Civil rights leaders knew that when people have a high sense of purpose and meaning, they become stronger when facing a variety of dangerous situations, such as being kidnapped. Civil rights leader Bernard Lafayette said the movement taught people that “in order to remain strong during a kidnap situation, you must maintain a clear sense of purpose in life, and have a motto that states what your life means or some particular value that you have chosen.”20
The U.S. military teaches the same thing. Soldiers are required to learn the Code of Conduct, which states: “I am an American, fighting in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense … If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners … I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free.”21
Of course, being kidnapped or becoming a prisoner of war are terrible situations that can break even the strongest minds after a prolonged period of time, but the more purpose and meaning people have, the longer it can take for them to be broken. As Victor Frankl said in the earlier quote, “Woe to him who saw no more sense in his life, no aim, no purpose, and therefore no point in carrying on. He was soon lost.”22
Just as food and water can nourish and strengthen our body, purpose and meaning can nourish and strengthen our mind. Victor Frankl referred to our craving for purpose and meaning as the “will to meaning.” He realized people of all races and religions experience this kind of hunger, because it is part of our shared humanity. In a world where so many are starving for purpose and meaning, how can we best feed ourselves? According to Frankl, people often feed their craving for purpose and meaning with activities that are empty and unsatisfying, just as eating dirt does not satisfy our stomachs and drinking salt water does not satisfy our thirst.
Frankl realized that when we base our purpose and meaning entirely on greed, for example, it does not satisfy us as much as the psychological nutrition found in a life devoted to deep empathy and service to others. Frankl said, “Sometimes the frustrated will to meaning is vicariously compensated for by a will to power, including the most primitive form of the will to power, the will to money. In other cases, the place of frustrated will to meaning is taken by the will to pleasure.”23
In this book I show how empathy is a powerful source of psychological nutrition, capable of satisfying our craving for purpose and meaning in ways few other things can. I also discuss what happens when the will to meaning collides with the storm of childhood trauma, like a ship caught in a ferocious hurricane. Furthermore, this book questions much of what we have been told about happiness. What if happiness is not the absence of struggle—as I have often heard—but finding purpose and meaning in our struggle? What if a struggle that gives us a deep sense of purpose and meaning is more fulfilling and rewarding than a life that lacks meaningful struggle?
Bernard Lafayette said, “Martin Luther King Jr. believed voluntary suffering builds character.”24 The U.S. military and many of the world’s greatest religious and philosophical traditions teach the same thing. Realizing that struggle can strengthen the human mind, Nietzsche said a person can cultivate an attitude toward life where “that which does not kill him makes him stronger.”25
This book will address many of the questions people have about happiness, while debunking common misconceptions. For example, people often associate smiling with happiness. Although people certainly smile when interacting with those they care about, people usually do not smile when engaged in an activity they love. How often do you see professional athletes smile when they are deep in concentration and completely focused? None of the great violinists perform while grinning ear to ear. If they smile at all while performing it is rare. This is because when human beings are deep in concentration, when they are “in the zone,” they almost never smile.
During a 60 Minutes interview, the father of world chess champion Magnus Carlsen told journalist Bob Simon how much his son enjoys chess. Since Carlsen almost never smiles while playing chess, Simon reacted with surprise and said, “When I look at him, enjoyment is not the word that comes to mind.” Carlsen’s father responded, “It should. Maybe you have to compare it to a writer or a painter. Probably if you see them at work, they are not smiling or having an easy time. They are exploiting their mind to the utmost, and the same with the chess players.”26
In addition to gaining a deeper understanding of joy and suffering, perhaps the most important tool I have gained from exploring the human condition is the ability to increase my empathy for all human beings. In order to build our empathy for humanity, the first step is recognizing what we have in common with all people, regardless of their racial or religious background.
For all people, working for something feels fulfilling when it gives us purpose and meaning. And all people can feel hurt and even betrayed when what they worked for loses its purpose and meaning. When Al Qaida captured the Iraqi city Fallujah in 2014 after the withdrawal of American forces, a U.S. Marine staff sergeant, whose comrades died so that American forces could gain control of Fallujah in 2004, explained his reaction: “It brings back a lot of anger … I feel like it’s been a big waste of time. It’s kind of like, why the hell did my buddies die there for? There’s no purpose to it [emphasis added].”27
When I learned that we all crave purpose and meaning, it became easier for me to find common ground with people, whether they call themselves liberals or conservatives, whether they are fellow American citizens or fellow citizens of the world. We are all vulnerable to the problem of finding purpose in our lives. We are all searching for meaning, and many of us remain psychologically and spiritually starved. The following chapters will offer more insights into the human condition, revealing other aspects of our shared humanity that can further expand our empathy.
Cynicism can interfere with empathy. Today it has become trendy to trash-talk humanity. It has become fashionable to say in a cynical tone, “Humanity sucks. We are like a cancer upon the earth. We are a stupid, inherently violent, and bad species.” But the following chapters will explain why I respect and love humanity, despite the traumatic upbringing that has given me reasons to hate the entire human race. When we derive purpose and meaning from nutritious sources such as empathy, we can all find reasons to respect and love humanity.
But what happens when we are unable to find purpose and meaning in our lives? What happens when we feel like Sisyphus day after day, and this emptiness lasts year after year? When this happens we will either “lead lives of quiet desperation”28 as philosopher Henry David Thoreau said, or self-destruct and likely hurt others in the process.
The road to peace leads away from desperation and destruction. As we journey together on the road to peace in the following chapters, we will explore the deepest mysteries of the human condition and the universe we inhabit, searching for answers, finding light in storms and darkness.
A Dark Night Filled with Predators
Predators in the Home
Long