Here are three examples of intermittent reinforcement with children and sleep that I want you to avoid:
1 “Sometimes I feed you to sleep and sometimes I don’t.” For example, you may nurse your baby to sleep, feed him if he wakes after 10:00 p.m., rock him to sleep if he wakes again before 1:00 a.m., and then finally bring him into your bed out of desperation. This causes confusion. I want you to work toward putting your child down to bed drowsy but awake and responding to him consistently the same way through out the night.
2 “Sometimes I’ve let you cry for 15 or 30 minutes because I was desperate and heard this approach might work—but then I couldn’t take it anymore and went in, picked you up, and rocked you to sleep.” This is an example of how you can train your child to cry until you put him to sleep—any way you can!
3 “Sometimes I bring you in to my bed—but only after 5:00 a.m.” Please remember that your child can’t tell time. Why wouldn’t he expect to come to your bed at 2:00 a.m. if you bring him in after 5:00?
Keep in mind too, that children actually crave consistency at bedtime (and all the time, for that matter). When they know what to expect, and what’s expected of them, it reassures them and helps them feel safe and sound.
SLEEP-TIGHT TIP
Consistency is truly the key to parenting and especially sleep training success.
How to Prep for Sleep Coaching Success: Steps to Take before You Start
1. Get the green light from your child’s doctor.
Most sleep problems are behavioral, but you should still have your pediatrician rule out any underlying medical conditions that may be contributing to your child’s sleep issues, such as reflux, asthma, allergies, ear infections, or sleep apnea. Make sure medications, including over-the-counter remedies, aren’t disturbing her sleep.
If you’re still feeding your baby during the night, ask her doctor if, given your child’s age, weight, and general health, she still needs wee-hour nourishment. Review with your pediatrician how much your child is eating during her waking hours.
2. Keep a sleep-and-feeding log.
Chances are, your short-term memory isn’t quite up to par as a result of sleep deprivation: Your days and nights are going by in a blur. But in order to figure out how to solve your child’s sleep problem, you’ll need to have a clear picture of what’s happening at bedtime and during the night, what’s working, what’s not, how your baby is responding, etc. Keep track by writing it all down for a few days or a week. Having a record in writing, instead of relying on scrambled mental notes in your sleep-deprived brain, will give you a more accurate picture of your child’s patterns and your own responses.
Some parents find it easiest to keep a log for scribbling on right next to their child’s bed. Look for signs of his natural bedtime window. Jot down when and how often he wakes up during the night. Note what you did to get him back to sleep, whether you rocked him, nursed him, sang to him, or brought him into your bed. Compare your child’s daily schedule with the typical schedules I suggest in Chapter 2.
Once you start my program, continue your log. Tracking your child’s sleep patterns will help you figure out what’s working, what’s not, and what tactics you should tweak. At the end of this workbook is a sample log you can use. (Feel free to come up with your own format if you don’t like mine.)
3. Figure out your child’s ideal bedtime.
This is the period of time during which she’ll show signs that she’s ready to sleep—yawning, rubbing her eyes, twisting her hair, fussing. Often parents miss a child’s sleepy cues—especially in the evening, because it’s such a busy time of day. They may be cleaning up the dinner dishes, shuffling through the mail, helping an older child with homework, etc. Pay extra attention to how your child behaves between 6:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. (and make sure she’s not zoning out in front of the television). As soon as she begins acting drowsy, you’ll know that that’s her natural bedtime—and the time at which you should be putting her down each evening going forward.
Although I usually recommend making bedtime adjustments gradually, 30 minutes or so at a time, sometimes with a child under 3 you can make the changes quickly if you learn to recognize her natural patterns. For instance, if your 20-month-old is used to going to bed at 10:00 p.m., but you can see that she’s drowsy at 7:30 p.m., you don’t need to spend days gradually adjusting. Just put her to bed at 7:30 p.m. and make sure you do so again the next night and the night after that.
If you have trouble picking up on your child’s drowsy signals, you can pinpoint a reasonable bedtime for her simply by looking at when she normally wakes up and factoring in how much sleep she should be getting based on her age. (You’ll find sleep averages on pages 15–26.) Let’s say you have a 2-year-old who tends to wake up by 7:00 a.m. every morning. The average 2-year-old needs 11 hours of sleep at night, so that would mean that your child needs to have gone through her entire bedtime routine and be sound asleep by 8:00 p.m.
4. Create a relaxing bedtime routine.
All children, from newborns on up to school-age kids, need a set of comforting and predictable rituals to help them prepare physically and psychologically for sleep. These activities should be calm, quiet ones, like reading, story-telling, or lullabies; bedtime is not the time for tickling, wrestling, scary stories, or TV shows, or anything else that’s stimulating. Because you’re preparing your little one to be separated from you for the night, the tone should be serene and reassuring. For babies over 6 months old, I encourage attachment to a “lovey,” a favorite stuffed animal or blanket that he can use to comfort himself when he wakes during the night. And with the exception of baths and tooth-brushing, the bedtime routine should take place in the child’s nursery or bedroom
SLEEP-TIGHT TIP
If your child hates some aspect of bedtime, get that part over with first. For instance, if she can’t stand having her teeth brushed, do it right after her bath, not after you’ve read two books and gotten her all snug and cozy.
Here are some activities that work well as part of a bedtime routine, depending on a child’s age. Three from this list is plenty:
bath
put on pajamas
brush teeth
go potty
massage
swaddle
read books
sing a short song
play a quiet game
share three things about your day
tell a story
listen to music
baby or toddler yoga
small sippy cup of water with books
bottle or nursing
prayers, blessings, or sending kisses and love to others
plenty