Is there something you do that repeatedly causes you distress (posting on social media, being with certain people, going to certain places)?
Are there certain relationships or interactions that repeatedly cause you distress?
Are there certain holidays or gatherings that repeatedly cause you distress?
Are there certain places you go (work, school, restaurants, people’s houses) that repeatedly cause you distress?
Are there situations that repeatedly cause you distress (hearing the word no, receiving a compliment, receiving feedback at work or from a friend, saying no to someone)?
Are there certain emotions that are harder to manage and that frequently cause you distress?
Thinking about these experiences will help you narrow down specific areas that you can focus your skills on so that you don’t keep finding yourself in similar painful situations over and over again.
Figuring out coping solutions
Chapter 6
Understanding Your Behaviors
IN THIS CHAPTER
Many of us in the mental health field find human behavior to be fascinating. Observing patterns of behavior and trying to predict what a person is going to do next can be useful in establishing what is helpful and what is not, and what interventions to use if behavior is to be changed. And yet in many instances, behavior is very predictable, because it’s patterned through repetition. Take a behavior like walking. Because of repetition, it’s predictable that a person will walk when getting from point A to point B. And yet walking is a relatively simple behavior. Behaviors that emanate from strong emotions can be very complex and much harder to predict.
People who are emotionally sensitive generally experience life with more intensity than those who are less sensitive. Typically, with more sensitivity comes a greater degree of behavioral variability.
There is nothing problematic with being more emotionally sensitive. Many artists, therapists, actors, musicians, and others recognize that being sensitive is helpful to their craft. However, people who have strong emotions can be at risk of behaving in ways that are dependent on their mood state. Mood-dependent behavior is often what causes people to request DBT therapy for two main reasons: The first is the person doesn’t have the skills to effectively manage emotionally charged situations, and the second is the behavior that happens when a person acts on their feelings or urges without pausing to consider the consequences of the behavior can lead to suffering in the person’s life. Often, mood-dependent behaviors seem automatic and seem to happen quickly, as if the person had no choice. They seem to come from nowhere and appear to be out of an individual’s control, and because of this, they can seem hard to change given the powerful underlying emotions, urges, and often negative thoughts driving them.
In this chapter, we review the connections between feelings and actions, recognize the triggers that set off behaviors, and look at how we can link specific behaviors to specific reactions as a way to begin to change unhelpful behaviors.
Being Aware of How Your Emotions Manifest in Action
When you’re engaging in mood-dependent behavior, you’re acting on the urges caused by your underlying emotional state. An example of this is when, for instance, you have a low mood and have the urge not to get out of bed or see anyone. Staying in bed and not seeing your friends would be mood-dependent behavior. If you are feeling angry and lash out at your co-worker for a seemingly trivial transgression, that is mood-dependent behavior.
For people who are prone to such behavior, when the mood has passed, they can often feel guilty or shameful about their behavior. In the moment, however, the person acting on their emotions without thinking frequently feels justified and right for having done so. The alternative of stopping and reflecting on what to do, or even tolerating the discomfort of the emotion, can feel unbearable. Mood-dependent behavior can bring instant relief and feels great in the short run, only to cause greater harm in the long run.
“Is what I am about to do consistent with my long-term goals and values?”
“Will this behavior actually get me what I want?”
“How likely is my behavior going to lead to regret, guilt, and shame?”
Identifying and Handling Emotional Triggers
Everyone’s brain creates powerful associations between things that hurt them and the people associated with that hurt. For example, once you’ve been attacked in a dark alley, even walking by an alley can lead to a physical reaction. Interestingly, it’s easier to recognize and forgive our own behavior and misbehavior because we understand the connection between our response and whatever is triggering that response. However, it’s also true that other people have reasons for the reactions that they have. Just because we don’t understand why they are doing what they are doing doesn’t mean that they don’t have their own triggers.
Particularly when someone has experienced trauma, abuse, and invalidation, this can lead to unexamined and unprocessed emotions that can be triggered by anything that leads to recollection of the events. The triggered person typically has a fair grasp on reality, but their emotional response fails to reflect the current situation; they may feel suspicious of the intentions of those around them or anxious around friends, or become very angry for a seemingly trivial slight.