At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house door, which was guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub, the sedan–chair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were conducted into the hall, whence, having been previously announced by Muzzle, and ordered in by Mr. Nupkins, they were ushered into the worshipful presence of that public–spirited officer.
The scene was an impressive one, well calculated to strike terror to the hearts of culprits, and to impress them with an adequate idea of the stern majesty of the law. In front of a big book–case, in a big chair, behind a big table, and before a big volume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking a full size larger than any one of them, big as they were. The table was adorned with piles of papers; and above the farther end of it, appeared the head and shoulders of Mr. Jinks, who was busily engaged in looking as busy as possible. The party having all entered, Muzzle carefully closed the door, and placed himself behind his master’s chair to await his orders. Mr. Nupkins threw himself back with thrilling solemnity, and scrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors.
‘Now, Grummer, who is that person?’ said Mr. Nupkins, pointing to Mr. Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of his friends, stood hat in hand, bowing with the utmost politeness and respect.
‘This here’s Pickvick, your Wash–up,’ said Grummer.
‘Come, none o’ that ‘ere, old Strike–a–light,’ interposed Mr. Weller, elbowing himself into the front rank. ‘Beg your pardon, sir, but this here officer o’ yourn in the gambooge tops, ’ull never earn a decent livin’ as a master o’ the ceremonies any vere. This here, sir’ continued Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and addressing the magistrate with pleasant familiarity, ‘this here is S. Pickvick, Esquire; this here’s Mr. Tupman; that ‘ere’s Mr. Snodgrass; and farder on, next him on the t’other side, Mr. Winkle—all wery nice gen’l’m’n, Sir, as you’ll be wery happy to have the acquaintance on; so the sooner you commits these here officers o’ yourn to the tread—mill for a month or two, the sooner we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first, pleasure arterwards, as King Richard the Third said when he stabbed the t’other king in the Tower, afore he smothered the babbies.’
At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hat with his right elbow, and nodded benignly to Jinks, who had heard him throughout with unspeakable awe.
‘Who is this man, Grummer?’ said the magistrate,.
‘Wery desp’rate ch’racter, your Wash–up,’ replied Grummer. ‘He attempted to rescue the prisoners, and assaulted the officers; so we took him into custody, and brought him here.’
‘You did quite right,’ replied the magistrate. ‘He is evidently a desperate ruffian.’
‘He is my servant, Sir,’ said Mr. Pickwick angrily.
‘Oh! he is your servant, is he?’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘A conspiracy to defeat the ends of justice, and murder its officers. Pickwick’s servant. Put that down, Mr. Jinks.’
Mr. Jinks did so.
‘What’s your name, fellow?’ thundered Mr. Nupkins.
‘Veller,’ replied Sam.
‘A very good name for the Newgate Calendar,’ said Mr. Nupkins.
This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials, and Muzzle, went into fits of laughter of five minutes’ duration.
‘Put down his name, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate.
‘Two L’s, old feller,’ said Sam.
Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the magistrate threatened to commit him instantly. It is a dangerous thing to laugh at the wrong man, in these cases.
‘Where do you live?’ said the magistrate.
‘Vere ever I can,’ replied Sam.
‘Put down that, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate, who was fast rising into a rage.
‘Score it under,’ said Sam.
‘He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate. ‘He is a vagabond on his own statement,—is he not, Mr. Jinks?’
‘Certainly, Sir.’
‘Then I’ll commit him—I’ll commit him as such,’ said Mr. Nupkins.
‘This is a wery impartial country for justice, ‘said Sam.‘There ain’t a magistrate goin’ as don’t commit himself twice as he commits other people.’
At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look so supernaturally solemn, that the magistrate detected him immediately.
‘Grummer,’ said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, ‘how dare you select such an inefficient and disreputable person for a special constable, as that man? How dare you do it, Sir?’
‘I am very sorry, your Wash–up,’ stammered Grummer.
‘Very sorry!’ said the furious magistrate. ‘You shall repent of this neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be made an example of. Take that fellow’s staff away. He’s drunk. You’re drunk, fellow.’
‘I am not drunk, your Worship,’ said the man.
‘You are drunk,’ returned the magistrate. ‘How dare you say you are not drunk, Sir, when I say you are? Doesn’t he smell of spirits, Grummer?’
‘Horrid, your Wash–up,’ replied Grummer, who had a vague impression that there was a smell of rum somewhere.
‘I knew he did,’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘I saw he was drunk when he first came into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe his excited eye, Mr. Jinks?’
‘Certainly, Sir.’
‘I haven’t touched a drop of spirits this morning,’ said the man, who was as sober a fellow as need be.
‘How dare you tell me a falsehood?’ said Mr. Nupkins. ‘Isn’t he drunk at this moment, Mr. Jinks?’
‘Certainly, Sir,’ replied Jinks.
‘Mr. Jinks,’ said the magistrate, ‘I shall commit that man for contempt. Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks.’
And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who was the magistrate’s adviser (having had a legal education of three years in a country attorney’s office), whispered the magistrate that he thought it wouldn’t do; so the magistrate made a speech, and said, that in consideration of the special’s family, he would merely reprimand and discharge him. Accordingly, the special was