Slen. Nay, pray you lead the way.
Page. Come on, sir.
Slen. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
Anne. Not I, sir, pray you keep on.
Slen. Truly I will not go first; truly la! I will not do you that wrong.
Anne. I pray you, sir.
Slen. I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong indeed la!
Exeunt.
¶
Scene II
Enter Evans and Simple [from dinner].
Evans. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse—or his dry nurse—or his cook—or his laundry—his washer and his wringer.
Sim. Well, sir.
Evans. Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a oman that altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page; and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you be gone. I will make an end of my dinner; there’s pippins and cheese to come.
Exeunt.
¶
Scene III
Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, [Robin, Falstaff’s] page.
Fal. Mine host of the Garter!
Host. What says my bully-rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
Fal. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host. Discard, bully Hercules, cashier; let them wag; trot, trot.
Fal. I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host. Thou’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
Fal. Do so, good mine host.
Host. I have spoke; let him follow. [To Bardolph.] Let me see thee froth and [lime]. I am at a word; follow.
[Exit.]
Fal. Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin; a wither’d servingman a fresh tapster. Go, adieu.
Bard. It is a life that I have desir’d. I will thrive.
Pist. O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
[Exit Bardolph.]
Nym. He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor conceited?
Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox; his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskillful singer, he kept not time.
Nym. The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.
Pist. ‘Convey,’ the wise it call. ‘Steal’? foh! a fico for the phrase!
Fal. Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Pist. Why then let kibes ensue.
Fal. There is no remedy; I must cony-catch, I must shift.
Pist. Young ravens must have food.
Fal. Which of you know Ford of this town?
Pist. I ken the wight; he is of substance good.
Fal. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
Pist. Two yards, and more.
Fal. No quips now, Pistol! Indeed I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly—I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of her familiar style, and the hardest voice of her behavior (to be English’d rightly) is, “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
Pist. He hath studied her [well], and translated her will, out of honesty into English.
Nym. The anchor is deep. Will that humor pass?
Fal. Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse. He hath a legend of angels.
Pist. As many devils entertain; and “To her, boy,” say I.
Nym. The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels.
Fal. I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examin’d my parts with most judicious iliads; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
Pist. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Nym. I thank thee for that humor.
Fal. O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me. They shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Pist.
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
Nym. I will run no base humor. Here, take the humor-letter; I will keep the havior of reputation.
Fal. [To Robin.]
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones; go!
Trudge! Plod away i’ th’ hoof! Seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the [humor] of the age,
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
[Exeunt Falstaff and Robin.]
Pist.
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
Nym. I have operations [in my head] which be humors of revenge.
Pist.
Wilt thou revenge?
Nym.
By welkin and her star!
Pist.
With wit or steel?
Nym.
With both the humors, I.
I