Mr. Wheedler (retained for the Ballad-writers). The next licence I have to apply for is for—well, (with some hesitation)—a composition which certainly borders on the—er—amorous—but I think, Sir, you will allow that it is treated in a purely pastoral and Arcadian spirit.
The Chairman (gravely). There are arcades, Mr. Wheedler, I may remind you, which are by no means pastoral. I cannot too often repeat that we are here to fulfil the mission entrusted to us by the Democracy, which will no longer tolerate in its entertainments anything that is either vulgar, silly, or offensive in the slightest degree. [Applause.
Mr. Wheedler. Quite so. With your permission, Sir, I will read you the Ballad. [Reads.
"MOLLY AND I.
"Oh! the day shall be marked in red letter——"
The Chairman. One moment, Mr. Wheedler, (conferring with his colleagues). "Marked with red letter"—isn't that a little—eh? liable to——You don't think they'll have read Hawthorne's book? Very well, then. Go on, Mr. Wheedler, please.
Mr. W. "'Twas warm, with a heaven so blue."
First Censor. Can't pass those two epithets—you must tone them down, Mr. Wheedler—much too suggestive!
Mr. W. That shall be done.
The Chairman. And it ought to be "sky."
Mr. W. "When amid the lush meadows I met her, My Molly, so modest and true!"
Second Censor. I object to the word "lush"—a direct incitement to intemperance!
Mr. W. I'll strike it out. (Reads.)
"Around us the little kids rollicked,
Lighthearted were all the young lambs——"
Second Censor. Surely "kids" is rather a vulgar expression, Mr. Wheedler? Make it "children," and I've no objection.
Mr. W. I have made it so. (Reads.)
"They kicked up their legs as they frolicked"——
Third Censor. If that is intended to be done on the stage, I protest most strongly—a highly indecorous exhibition! [Murmurs of approval.
Mr. W. But they're only lambs!
Third Censor. Lambs, indeed! We are determined to put down all kicking in Music-hall songs, no matter who does it! Strike that line out.
Mr. W. (reading). "And frisked by the side of their dams."
First Censor (severely). No profanity, Mr. Wheedler, if you please!
Mr. W. Er—I'll read you the Refrain. (Reads, limply.)
"Molly and I. With nobody nigh.
Hearts all a-throb with a rapturous bliss,
Molly was shy. And (at first) so was I,
Till I summoned up courage to ask for a kiss!"
The Chairman. "Nobody nigh," Mr. Wheedler? I don't quite like that. The Music Hall ought to set a good example to young persons. "Molly and I—with her chaperon by," is better.
Second Censor. And that last line—"asking for a kiss"—does the song state that they were formally engaged, Mr. Wheedler?
Mr. W. I—I believe it omits to mention the fact. But (ingeniously) it does not appear that the request was complied with.
Second Censor. No matter—it should never have been made. Have the goodness to alter that into—well, something of this kind. "And I always addressed her politely as "Miss." Then we may pass it.
Mr. W. (reading the next verse).
"She wore but a simple sun-bonnet."
First Censor (shocked). Now really, Mr. Wheedler, really, Sir!
Mr. W. "For Molly goes plainly attired."
First Censor (indignantly). I should think so—Scandalous!
Mr. W. "Malediction I muttered upon it, One glimpse of her face I desired."
The Chairman. I think my colleague's exception is perhaps just a leetle far-fetched. At all events, if we substitute for the last couplet,
"Her dress is sufficient—though on it
She only spends what is strictly required."
Eh, Mr. Wheedler? Then we work in a moral as well, you see, and avoid malediction, which can only mean bad language.
Mr. W. (doubtfully). With all respect, I submit that it doesn't scan quite so well——
The Chairman (sharply). I venture to think scansion may be sacrificed to propriety, occasionally, Mr. Wheedler—but pray go on.
Mr. W. (continuing).
"To a streamlet we rambled together.
I carried her tenderly o'er.
In my arms—she's as light as a feather—
That sweetest of burdens I bore!"
First Censor. I really must protest. No properly conducted young woman would ever have permitted such a thing. You must alter that, Mr. Wheedler!
Second C. And I don't know—but I rather fancy there's a "double-intender" in that word "light"—(to colleague)—it strikes me—eh?—what do you think?——
The Chairman (in a conciliatory manner). I am inclined to agree to some extent—not that I consider the words particularly objectionable in themselves, but we are men of the world, Mr. Wheedler, and as such we cannot shut our eyes to the fact that a Music-hall audience is only too apt to find significance in many apparently innocent expressions and phrases.
Mr. W. But, Sir, I understood from your remarks recently that the Democracy were strongly opposed to anything in the nature of suggestiveness!
The Ch. Exactly so; and therefore we cannot allow their susceptibilities to be shocked. (With a severe jocosity.) Molly and you, Mr. Wheedler, must either ford the stream like ordinary persons, or stay where you are.
Mr. W. (depressed). I may as well read the last verse, I suppose:
"Then under the flickering willow
I lay by the rivulet's brink,
With her lap for a sumptuous pillow——"
First Censor. We can't have that. It is really not respectable.
The Ch. (pleasantly). Can't we alter it slightly? "I'd brought a small portable pillow." No objection to that!
[The other Censors express dissent in undertones.
Mr. W. "Till I owned that I longed for a drink."
Third C. No, no! "A drink"! We all know what that means—alcoholic stimulant of some kind. At all events that's how the audience are certain to take it.
Mr. W. (feebly).
"So Molly her pretty hands hollowed
Into curves like