As we’ll discuss in this book, victim-blaming can happen in a myriad of ways and can have massive implications on reporting outcomes. If someone has been assaulted and is then brave enough to share their story, you can bet they might regret coming forward if they are then ridiculed or ostracized by their peers. As traumatic as victim-blaming is, #MeToo widened the doorway for people to share their experience in a way that allows them to feel supported, rather than rejected. Now we can talk more openly about the problem and how to address it in a way that makes a difference.
What is Sexual Assault?
In order to have an effective conversation about prevention, we first need to understand the exact definition of the problem. Usually, people are pretty blown away by just how broad it is:
“Sexual assault is commonly recognized as any unwanted sexual contact or threats of sexual contact. Sexual assault includes the touching of another person’s body in a sexual manner without that person’s express consent, even if the touching occurs through clothing. This sexual assault definition also includes kissing, groping, and fondling.
“The term ‘express consent’ refers to an individual’s clearly stated and voluntary expression of choice in any matter. Any person who is incapacitated, whether by physical or psychological ailment, or by drugs or alcohol, or who is under the age of majority, cannot legally consent to sexual contact. Therefore, sexual touching, or sexual acts performed on such an individual, are considered sexual assault, regardless of the perpetrator’s claim that the victim consented (Legal Dictionary).”
Sexual harassment is defined as “behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation.”
Let’s think about the slap on the butt a coach gives an athlete as they run onto the field. To some, this is a normal facet of being on a team and is no big deal. To others, such an act could be as inappropriate as a slap on the face. It all depends on prior life experience and the way that touch gets expressed on a daily basis. If someone has been victim to prior assault, a slap on the butt is likely to be re-traumatizing.
In understanding the definition of assault, a keyword looms large: unwanted. This is where self-awareness and communication become the most effective safety tools in our arsenal. While many forms of touch, such as a slap on the butt, might seem harmless, no one has the right to cross our physical boundaries without permission. It can be hard to conceptualize at first, but a kiss on the cheek, if unwanted, is still assault.
A long-established relationship between friends or family members implies permission, but even in these cases, there are appropriate and inappropriate examples of physical affection. A good way of defining the difference is to know how it feels to receive the advance. This helps build awareness of personal limits when it comes to physical contact. There may be no wrong intention in such displays of affection, but even with family members, it’s important to know what is comfortable versus what isn’t and to communicate that clearly.
When interviewed by the Associated Press a year after her original tweet, Alyssa Milano declared, “Any time we are able to discuss things, we de-mystify them and make them more tangible to overcome.”
Here’s a way to begin discussing what sexual assault and harassment mean to you. Try answering the following questions from two different standpoints: first, according to the definition of assault, and then, according to you. Your answers will help build inner wisdom around the deeper meaning of “good touch, bad touch.”
Written Exercise: Is It or Is It Not Sexual Assault When…
1 1.A coach slaps one of his female players on the butt as she walks past to go on the field.
2 2.A female tutor arrives for her session with a male student and suddenly gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek as she comes through the door.
3 3.A group of students from an opposing team yells obscenities at a female goalie, and one of them threatens her sexually if she keeps the other team from scoring.
4 4.A young woman gets drunk at a party and a male friend (also drunk) grabs her breast as she walks by.
5 5.A group of students at a party is playing spin the bottle. One guy in the group tells his friends he’s tired and doesn’t feel like playing. The rest of the group call him a baby and threaten to tell the whole school what a baby he is if he doesn’t play.
6 6.A town librarian is helping a gender-fluid college student locate a book for a research project. At one point, the librarian tells them how handsome they are, touches their hair and says, “There are books I could show you that are a lot sexier than this.”
7 7.A group of college freshmen is at a pool party. One of the young men has had a lot to drink and begins making sexual comments to the women. Suddenly, he pulls his bathing suit down and flashes his genitals at them.
8 8.Mike, an eighteen-year-old high school senior, has a crush on his male youth group leader, who is twenty-three. The youth group leader drives Mike home one day and tells Mike he would like to kiss him. Mike agrees.
Now, take another quick look; do any of these examples qualify as harassment? If so, which ones?
When you’re finished, check out your answers. In terms of which scenarios qualify as harassment, if you answered with something like, “They all do,” then you are on the right track! The scenarios described in questions one, two, four, five and six could all be classified as sexual assault, since they involve unwanted sexual touch. The scenarios offered in questions three and seven would also classify, since the offenders made sexual threats (to the goalie and to the group of women at the pool party.) In question eight, although Mike is eighteen, his youth group leader’s role creates a power differential in their relationship. Though Mike consented to the kiss, the youth leader overstepped the boundary of that role, classifying his action as sexual assault.
 | Following the Signs |
Rebecca had been coming to my therapy office for more than a year when #MeToo started, and it took almost as long for her to feel ready to share her story. The effects of sexual assault had left long-lasting scars that no one in Rebecca’s life knew about though they affected her every day. #MeToo had given her hope but was perplexing as well. How could we have let things get this far, and what happens now? Rebecca’s response was not dissimilar from those of my other clients who had assault histories.
When the Kavanaugh hearing took place on the heels of #MeToo, I saw the hope that had been building in many of my clients get crushed. Rebecca, who was sexually assaulted by an upper classman when she was a freshman in high school, and then assaulted again at ages sixteen and eighteen, told me she tried to watch every minute of the hearing.
“How could they not believe her?” Rebecca asked in tears at her next session, referencing Christine Blasey-Ford’s brave and articulate testimony of sexual assault at the hands of Brett Kavanaugh in 1982 when Christine was still in high school.
Rebecca was not alone. Several others came to therapy that week stunned and dismayed at the outcome that sent Brett Kavanaugh to his seat as a Supreme Court justice. While at the time, there may have been assault survivors who did not have that reaction to the hearing, I wasn’t working with any of them. As a clinician, my mind reeled with how best to respond to Rebecca and others who were visibly shaken. What I hoped to do was point them in some kind of direction. “Here!” I wanted to say. “Here’s a road map, a way out of your grief.” Searching for advice, I called our local sexual assault response organization, and learned they had been flooded with five times their