Co-author, John “Dr. R” says, “Having an only child has it ups and downs. During one of those father-daughter intense discussion sessions, I naively asked my daughter what I could have done better. As an aside, my suggestion is don’t ask! But my daughter told me she often felt alone even though she never asked for a sibling and had lots of cousins nearby. We have a big house, and she had an entire side to herself. Somehow, I thought that was a good thing. Not so much! But her suggestion as to how I could have been a better parent was to have bought her a dog. How simple is that! So, my first tip to parenting may be as simple as the addition of a dog!”
So, if siblings and families bring no promise of inherited closeness through thick and thin, then what are the reasons to duplicate or triplicate your efforts in the area of reproduction? We give you some good reasons in the list that follows:
There is a joy and warmth that can come in larger and extended families. If having a houseful of people around all the time makes you happy, a houseful of kids will guarantee it — at least until they grow up and leave the nest.
Siblings take off the pressure that only children are sometimes subject to — the pressure to be all things to their parents, the total fulfillment of every pre-parent dream.
Siblings can teach each other valuable life lessons — as well as some not so valuable ones. Sibling influence isn’t always beneficial!
You just want another baby. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you remember that a new baby will, like the first, grow into an individual person with quirks and characteristics that may have you wondering why you thought this was a good idea in the first place.
Facing Secondary Infertility
Knowing what you’re dealing with, particularly if it is secondary infertility, doesn’t make it any easier. Often, if a woman had little to no problem conceiving a first or second child, the diagnosis of secondary infertility can be confusing. If there were problems the first time around, facing them again can be too much to bear. In the following sections, we discuss some of the different challenges that secondary infertility can present.
Wondering whether it will feel as bad as it did the first time?
Secondary infertility can be less stressful (you have a child), no different, or more stressful (you have a child who requires your time and efforts). Coping with secondary infertility after the stress of infertility sometimes seems unbearable. Perhaps you thought that despite the five years of trying to conceive baby number 1, baby number 2 would just miraculously appear one day. Sometimes that is the case, and conceiving and giving birth to number 1 seems to open the floodgates. More often than not, however, patterns tend to repeat themselves, including the pattern of primary infertility.
The obvious answer is to try the exact same plan that worked for you the first time after you have eliminated things which may have changed and introduced different barriers to pregnancy. If you want to try on your own, hoping for the possible reprieve from Infertility, Part 2, go ahead. But, for your peace of mind and for the sake of giving yourself the best opportunity within a reasonable amount of time, set some parameters. If you haven’t conceived naturally within six months to a year (less time if you’re over 40), consider going back to the drawing board and/or the original “architect,” whether that be your primary physician, OB/GYN, or reproductive endocrinologist.
Until you’ve given the tried and tested method another go-round, this probably isn’t the time to switch doctors, switch protocols, or go out on a brand-new limb. Give the old method at least a few tries before discussing moving to different options with your physician or before you discuss moving to a different physician with your partner.
Dealing with disbelief: But it worked before …
Perhaps one of the most confusing physiological and psychological dilemmas occurs when something worked before and suddenly, apparently without reason, ceases to be effective.
Those struggling with secondary infertility commonly lament:
“We conceived the first month we tried.”
“All my husband had to do was look at me and we got pregnant with our first two.”
“Conceiving a child was never a problem with us.”
Sometimes secondary infertility seems to defy proper or satisfying explanations; other than being a year or two older than you were the last time you had a baby, nothing seems to have changed. Other times, getting to baby number one may have been a challenge, and the fact that it’s not going to be easier the second time around is disappointing, but not unexpected.
Begin with a careful review of your first successful go-round. Ask yourself the following:
Was it as easy as it seemed the first time or is that merely in comparison to the current struggle of secondary infertility?
Did you miscarry two or more times on the way to a healthy baby? Were these miscarriages investigated and found to be due to chromosomal abnormalities, which increase with age?
Was it ever suggested, prior to conception, that there might be issues that could cause a problem in conceiving or carrying a child (for example, abnormal hormonal levels; structural issues in the uterus, ovaries, or fallopian tubes; a family history of infertility; and so on)?
It’s not uncommon to disregard a previous observation, even if it was made by a medical professional, particularly if their diagnosis proved to be wrong, and the proof — the child — is now pulling all the pots and pans out of your cabinet and trying to flush them down the toilet. It’s even more common to ignore a family member’s recollection of history (for example, every woman on your mother’s side went into menopause at the age of 35) if you seem to be the exception.
Conduct your own investigation if you feel that you may have overlooked a comment or a speculation the first time around. Ask your partner if you can’t remember correctly or check with the physician whose care you were under prior to the conception of your first child. You may also see this as an opportunity to open or reopen discussion with family members to get an accurate picture of your genetic history when it comes to reproduction. You may well end up finding out that you do indeed have a clean bill of health, but you may also uncover information that can help you get to the bottom of secondary infertility.
Looking for What’s Different This Time Around
So, the reproductive system isn’t working like it used to — what could be the problem? Similar to primary infertility, finding the answer to secondary infertility can take a while and fill up at least an entire book such as this one. But, for the sake of getting to the point, we list some quick and perhaps not-so-obvious possibilities.