If you’re still not pregnant after six months of “hitting the mark,” it’s time for more testing; your doctor may suggest a test to see if your tubes are open and testing on your partner to see if “his boys can swim.”
This process of looking for the problem and then seeing if it’s fixed can take a few months. Only 20 percent of infertile couples never have a definite answer to why they can’t get pregnant, so the odds are in your favor.
Recognizing Why Getting Pregnant Seems Harder Today
Sometimes things seemed easier in Grandma’s day. Large families were common, and it appeared that everyone had children. In fact, getting pregnant for some groups of people is more frequent while it seems to have decreased for others. But for the general population, statistics gathered by the government have shown a rather steady percentage of the population meeting the definition of infertile. This has been near 15 percent since 1965. Some factors that may make it harder to conceive are as follows:
People are having children later in life. Over age 25, there is a slight but definite decrease in fertility in women. Men are also less fertile at older ages but not for the same reasons as women.
Due to better medical management, people are living longer and getting pregnant (or trying to) despite the presence of serious chronic disease, such as diabetes or lupus. In the past, just the presence of these conditions would have precluded the possibility of pregnancy.
Male infertility, related to decreased sperm counts, has increased. Many theories circulate as to why this is occurring, with environmental factors being carefully studied. However, caution is needed here since it is not the semen parameters that matter but whether or not a man fathered a child. Lower semen numbers or characteristics do no always translate into lower pregnancy rates.
The incidence of sexually transmitted diseases has increased. Some of these diseases, such as chlamydia, cause serious damage to the reproductive organs.
More men and women have had either a vasectomy or a tubal ligation at a young age and then decided to have another child. Needless to say, they immediately face fertility issues due to their previous choices.
It may seem as if everyone had children years ago, but start asking questions and you’ll get a different story. You may find out that Uncle Charlie wasn’t really Aunt Jo’s son; he was her sister’s child, whom she raised after his mother died young, and on and on. Everyone may have been raising children, but many of those children may have been extended family members.
People today talk more. Just because you never heard about your grandmother’s stillborns or your mother’s miscarriages doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. Pregnancy talk today is big business, and everyone in the world seems to be in the news talking about their babies, lack of babies, adopted babies, and how they got pregnant. This focus puts a constant in-your-face emphasis on pregnancy. It also makes you feel, when you’re trying to get pregnant, like everyone else is doing it — and doing it better than you are!
Calculating the Cost of Infertility
Infertility costs a lot. We’re not just talking money here; the emotional toll is usually much higher and longer lasting than any hit to your pocketbook. In the next sections, we look at the costs of infertility on your self-esteem, your marriage, and last of all on your wallet. While it may be uncomfortable to talk about the cost of infertility treatments, lack of funds is one of the main reasons people do not pursue fertility treatment.
Preparing for the emotional toll
Infertility is not for the faint of heart. Will it test your mental, physical, and spiritual strength? Um, possibly. Will you come out a better person than before? No guarantee, but as with all of life’s challenges, the better prepared you are going in, the more likely your psyche is to survive and thrive.
In this book, we discuss a lot about support, be it your partner, friends, family, professionals, or online networks. It doesn’t matter in what shape it comes, everyone needs a little help from their friends, no matter who those friends may be.
You may decide to let just a few close confidantes know of your situation with trying to conceive. You may tell anyone who will listen. Regardless, know that at some point, someone will say something wrong. Set the ground rules now. If you don’t want to be asked how things are going (secret speak for “Are you pregnant yet?”), tell your network up-front that you will let them know when there is something to know. Their overenthusiasm may annoy you time and again, but they are probably almost as excited as you are to hear about your success.
While you don’t want to anticipate a long, arduous battle with your fertility, or lack thereof, don’t set yourself up to expect that within a month you’ll be shopping online for maternity clothes. Decorating the baby’s room at this point is probably not a great idea either. If all goes well and success finds you early, that’s great — and we promise you that you’ll have plenty of time to find the perfect maternity wardrobe and baby collection. If not, you will only set yourself up for disappointment, and the goal is to keep that to a minimum as best you can, in the areas over which you do have control. Your thinking is one of them.
Recognizing how infertility affects your partnership
Whether the infertility issues are yours, your partner’s, or something you share, be certain that you most likely will share the ups and downs of baby making. Infertility is tough on the most resilient of individuals and couples. It will find the weak spots in you and your relationship. Steady yourself and your union for what could be turbulent waters ahead (this includes success and a new baby!)
When it comes to baby making, sooner is often better than later, but keep in mind that this is from a biological perspective. And although you may hear the biological clock ticking away, ready-or-not is not the best way to make your decision about when to conceive. The state of your union is an issue we revisit throughout this book, as it is one of the most important aspects in dealing with fertility, infertility, and baby makes three (or more). And although biology is a key issue in deciding if and when you’re ready to conceive, maturity, financial security, and stability are equally important, whether your challenge is trying to get pregnant or trying to raise said baby in a difficult and expensive world.
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