Chapter 4
Dating
IN THIS CHAPTER
When I mentioned to people that I was writing the 4th edition of Sex For Dummies, some asked, “Has sex really changed that much that you need a 4th edition?” If the book only covered how to do “it” I would understand their skepticism, but this book covers so much more, and if there’s one area that changed a great deal since the 3rd edition it’s dating. In fact, it’s changed so much that we decided to give dating an entire chapter.
While there have obviously been tremendous changes to dating, at its most essential, dating hasn’t changed at all. It remains the introductory phase of a potential long-term relationship. To my way of thinking, hooking up (getting together just to have sex) isn’t dating. A future together is not part of the long-term objective of hooking up. Nor is getting together with a group of friends to go to the movies. The way I look at a date is that there are two people spending time with each other, both hoping it will be the first of many such get-togethers, maybe even the start of a lifelong relationship. I’m not saying that everyone you date is someone you think will be your future spouse, but if a date, after the first exploratory one, doesn’t have that potential, it shouldn’t be considered a date.
Dating is a relatively recent invention. For most of mankind’s history, parents decided who their children would marry, and many couples might have had only one or two introductory meetings, if that, before they tied the knot. The concept that an individual could choose whom they wanted to see socially didn’t exist. (And it still is that way in some societies today.) That’s not to say that surreptitious meetings never took place. (Who can forget those star-crossed secret lovers, Romeo and Juliet?) But such secret rendezvous didn’t have any of the trappings of a date as we know it. Since the couple couldn’t be seen in public, their flirting had to remain under wraps.
Once young people were handed the freedom to choose whom to spend time with, dating began as a societal norm. And for a long time the rules of dating remained fairly static. But then along came the Internet and smartphones, and dating morphed into what to some people has become more of a sport than a social activity.
Does Anybody Still Date?
Based on what you see and hear in the media, dating among younger teens has almost disappeared. It seems that rather than go out as couples, they prefer to go out in groups. There might exist couples within a group, but having two teens meeting at the ice cream parlor to stare into each other’s eyes as they sip a vanilla malt through two straws seems to be a thing of the past. I’m not so sure the media has it right because obviously people still date. In fact, when I was writing From You to Two, my book on dating, I spoke with individuals who told me they go on as many five or six “dates” a week, sometimes having more than one date on a given night. And I’m not even talking about speed dating (a concept that I find hard to grasp, as I would be someone who would hog the entire five minutes while my poor speed dates would never get a word in edgewise).
But many of these dates are more of an elimination process than anything else. In the “old” days, dates had a more serious quality to them, but today they’ve become so casual that people have little or no investment in them. These kind of dates resemble more the test drive of an automobile than a date. Except the differences between people are far more varied than that between cars, and since there’s no salesman actively trying to make a match, more often than not, these dates go nowhere. (Not that matchmakers don’t still exist.)
Where Chemistry and Physics Mingle
What binds a couple together isn’t their appearance, collection of funny anecdotes, or any one personality trait but rather their overall chemistry, how their personalities mesh with one another. You can’t really tell that without spending some time together. First impressions are important, no doubt, but love at first sight is rare. And if you fall in love with someone by looking at their picture on your phone, I can predict the relationship won’t end well, if it develops at all.
All these apps and other technological inventions offer incredible convenience, but they also have their limitations. All you can tell by looking at someone’s photo is that you like how they look in that particular (most likely photoshopped) picture. But in order to judge whether or not they’d make a good romantic partner, you need a lot more physical co-mingling of your personalities.
Giving Romance a Chance to Bloom
If you are too invested in whether or not a date will turn into a long-term romance, you actually make it more difficult for romance to bloom. If you’re overly concerned about what your date does for a living, whether or not he or she will make the perfect spouse, you risk making a date such a serious proposition that its weight will force it to sink before it ever has a chance to soar.
I understand that I’m being a little confusing, but if dating were that easy, no one would have any problems with it. To be successful at dating, you have to be open, you have to be willing to be seduced, you have to allow your personalities to mix to see if there is that magical chemical reaction — all while analyzing this other person analytically.
Europeans who come to this country can find this situation confusing. It’s not that they’re not looking for love, but they prefer the ambience of their dates to be more playful, more flirtatious in order to create an atmosphere where love might bloom.