Barry Loser: I am Not a Loser. Jim Smith

      At lunch Bunky didn't want to sit opposite me because of my nose taking up so much space, so in front of me there was just an empty chair.

      'Having lunch with your invisible friend, Barry Losernose?' said Darren, queuing up for his Fronkle and chips.

      'Ha ha, yeah!' chuckled Bunky, leaning over to Anton Mildew. 'Look, Anton! Barry's having lunch with his invisible friend!' he laughed, but Anton didn't join in because he actually HAS got an invisible friend and it gets jealous of other people's.

      Time goes slower the longer your nose is and that afternoon was my slowest one ever times ten. Bunky tried to cheer me up on the walk home by ripping my nose off and putting it round his neck, pretending he was Granny Harumpadunk with one of her scarves.

      'Ooh, where did I put my glasses so I can watch Future Ratman,' he said, and I laughed for the first time all day, my head feeling light from the no nose.

      Then Darren appeared behind us, all snuffly from running with his Fronkle belly, and started throwing ringpulls at me and singing his 'Loser' song, which ruined my life all over again.

      Barry Longlegs

      Because it'd been sunny the day before, when I woke up the next morning I had a tan everywhere except where my fake nose had been. I was worried Darren might call me Barry Palenose or something so I decided I'd distract him with one of my genius plans.