The Thirty List. Eva Woods

cap, making him look bald if you squinted. Music began to play from the dock. He opened his eyes up really wide and started to sing along. ‘It’s been some-thing hours and I don’t know how many dayyyys … since you took your love awa-a-ay.’

      It was the video for ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, which I’d been playing on a loop since I moved in. I smiled. ‘All right, I take your point.’

      ‘I’d just like to know though, what doctor is this she’s been going to? She’s already said she goes out all night and sleeps all day, and he’s advising “girl, you better have fun no matter what you do”? Fun is the last thing she needs. I’d like to know who this doctor is, so I can have him struck off.’

      ‘Yes, yes, very good. I’ll write it down for my comedy routine.’

      ‘OK, well, how about this? Up the tempo a bit.’

      He fiddled with the dock, then took off the swimming cap, fluffed up his hair and pouted, dancing around by himself. ‘What are the words again? Something about working in a cocktail bar? Duh-duh duh-duh baby! Duh-duh duh-duh wo-oh-oh-oooh!’

      ‘Actually, we prefer the term “mixologist” these days. “Waitress” is kind of demeaning. I’m waiting on a callback about a part in EastEnders anyway.’

      The swimming cap had left a red line around his forehead. ‘Are you cheered up at all?’

      I thought about it. ‘A little bit.’

      ‘Good!’

      ‘Will you put the swimming hat on again though?’

      ‘I knew it. Latex—works every time with the laydeez.’

      ‘This explains a lot to me about why you’re single.’

      ‘Ha ha. So listen, will you think about the stand-up comedy? It must be on the list for a reason, and it’s a good place to start.’

      I heard myself say, ‘I’ll do it if you do.’