Pocksicker! Pompaprune! Sagahog!
At the entrance to the Community Hall, a lady Assistant Examiner sat checking names against a list. The Bleshes went first.
‘Is the little one clean?’ asked the Assistant Examiner. ‘Has he learned to control his bladder?’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Mrs Blesh. ‘He’s unusually advanced for his age.’
When it was Pinpin’s turn, the Assistant Examiner asked the same question.
‘Is she clean? Has she learned to control her bladder?’
Mr Hath looked at Mrs Hath. Bowman looked at Kestrel. Through their minds floated pictures of Pinpin’s puddles on the kitchen floor. But this was followed by a kind of convulsion of family pride, which they all felt at the same time.
‘Control her bladder, madam?’ said Mrs Hath with a bright smile. ‘My daughter can widdle in time to the National Anthem.’
The Assistant Examiner looked surprised, then checked the box marked CLEAN on her list.
‘Desk twenty-three,’ she said.
The Community Hall was buzzing with activity. A great chalkboard at one end listed the names of the examinees, all ninety-seven of them, in alphabetical order. There was Pinpin’s name, looking unfamiliar in its full form: PINTO HATH. The Hath family formed a protective huddle round desk twenty-three while Mrs Hath removed Pinpin’s nappy. Now that she was down as clean it would be counted as cheating to leave her in a nappy. Pinpin herself was delighted. She liked to feel cool air on her bottom.
A bell rang, and the big room fell quiet for the entrance of the Examiners. Ninety-seven desks, at each of which sat a two-year-old; behind each one, on benches, their parents and siblings. The sudden silence awed the little ones, and there wasn’t so much as a cry.
The Examiners swept in, their scarlet gowns billowing, and stood on the podium in a single line of terrible magnificence. There were ten of them. At the centre was the tall figure of the Chief Examiner, Maslo Inch, the only one in the hall to wear the simple shining white garments of the highest rating.
‘Stand for the Oath of Dedication!’
Everyone stood, parents lifting little ones to their feet. Together they chanted the words all knew by heart.
‘I vow to strive harder, to reach higher, and in every way to seek to make tomorrow better than today. For love of my Emperor and for the glory of Aramanth!’
Then they all sat down again, and the Chief Examiner made a short speech. Maslo Inch, still only in his mid-forties, had been recently elevated to the highest level: but so tall and powerful was his appearance, and so deep his voice, that he looked and acted as if he had been wearing white all his life. Hanno Hath, who had known Maslo Inch a long time, saw this with quiet amusement.
‘My friends,’ intoned the Chief Examiner, ‘what a special day this is, the first test day of your beloved child. How proud you must be to know that from today, your little son or daughter will have his or her own personal rating. How proud they will be, as they come to understand that by their own efforts they can contribute to your family rating.’ Here he raised a hand in friendly warning, and gave them all a grave look. ‘But never forget that the rating itself means nothing. All that matters is how you improve your rating. Better today than yesterday. Better tomorrow than today. That is the spirit that has made our city great.’
The scarlet-gowned Examiners then fanned out across the front row of desks and began working their way down the lines. Maslo Inch, as Chief Examiner, remained on the podium like a tower, overseeing all. Inevitably his scanning gaze fell in time on Hanno Hath. A twinkle of recognition glowed for a moment in the corner of one eye, and then faded again as his gaze moved on. Hanno Hath shrugged to himself. He and Maslo Inch were exact contemporaries. They had been in the same class at school. But that was all long ago now.
The tests were marked as they were completed, and the marks conveyed to the big chalkboard at the front. Quite soon, a ranking began to emerge among the infants. The Blesh child was close to the top, with 23 points out of a possible 30, a rating of 7.6. Because B came earlier than H, the Blesh family were finished before the Haths had begun, and Mrs Blesh came down the aisle with her triumphant infant in her arms to pass on the benefit of their experience.
‘The silly fellow left out number five,’ she explained. ‘One, two, three, four, six.’ She wagged a mock-angry finger at the child. ‘Four, five, six, you silly! You know that! I’m sure Pinto does.’
‘Actually, Pinpin can count to a million,’ said Kestrel.
‘I think we’re telling tiny stories,’ said Mrs Blesh, patting Kestrel on the head. ‘He got cow, and book, and cup,’ she went on. ‘He didn’t get banana. But 7.6 is a good start. Rufy’s first rating was 7.8, I remember, and look at him now. Never below 9. Not that I care for ratings as such, of course.’
The Examiner was now ready for Pinpin. He approached the desk, his eyes on his papers.
‘Pinto Hath,’ he said. And then raising his eyes, his face took on an all-embracing smile. Pinpin met this look with instinctive suspicion.
‘And what are we to call you, my little fellow?’
‘By her name,’ said Mrs Hath.
‘Well then, Pinto,’ said the Examiner, still beaming. ‘I’ve got some pretty pictures here. Let’s see if you can tell me what they are.’
He presented Pinpin with a sheet of coloured images. Pinpin looked, but said nothing. The Examiner pointed with his finger to a dog.
‘What’s this?’
Not a sound from Pinpin.
‘What’s this, then?’
Silence.
‘Does he have a hearing problem?’
‘No,’ said Mrs Hath. ‘She can hear you.’
‘But he doesn’t speak.’
‘I suppose there’s nothing much she wants to say.’
Bowman and Kestrel held their breath. The Examiner frowned and looked grave, and made a note on his papers. Then he returned to the pictures.
‘Well now, Pinto. Show me a doggy. Where’s a doggy?’
Pinpin gazed back at him, and neither spoke nor pointed.
‘A house, then. Show me a little house.’
Nothing. And so it went on, until at last the Examiner put his pictures away, looking graver still.
‘Let’s try some counting, shall we, little chap?’
He started counting, meaning Pinpin to follow him, but all she would do was stare. He made another note.
‘The last part of the test,’ he said to Mrs Hath, ‘is designed to assess the child’s level of communication skills. Listening, understanding, and responding. We find the child is usually more at his ease when held in the arms.’
‘You want her in your arms?’
‘If you have no objection.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘I have done this before, Mrs Hath. The little fellow will be quite safe with me.’
Ira Hath looked down at the ground, and her nose twitched just a little. Bowman saw this, and sent an instant thought to Kestrel.
Mama’s