As he picked up his bags, he looked back at me and I saw my own pain reflected in his eyes. We had come together as kids – young, impulsive and bursting with dreams – but we’d been thrown into adulthood by getting pregnant. It changed everything and we drifted apart under the pressure. Just like my father’s death changed everything. Some things come along and change your life for the better. Some things change it for the worse. My father’s death cast a shadow over my childhood. Janis’ conception was a wonderful gift, but it came with a price. Yet there have been times over the years when I wondered if we made a mistake, if Evan and I could have worked it out. But it’s too late now.
‘You were going to say if I were there, as an everyday parent, weren’t you, Annie?’ Evan’s voice pulls me back to the present. His handsome face is blank and I search it for signs of how he’s feeling.
‘No. Yes. Uh… just, I can’t just pull the kids out of school whenever I feel like it.’
‘It’s always the same with you, Annie. You can’t relax your guard for one minute, can you?’
I sit up straight as anger fills me. So we’re back to that old argument are we? ‘Now look, Evan, I do have to hold the fort here, you know. I am responsible for three young lives, so I can’t just swan off whenever I feel like it to New York… or wherever else the fuck I feel like.’ Oh dear! I didn’t mean to swear but it seems that this man can get to me like no other; even after all these years. We have contact because of Janis but we also manage to avoid spending much time together when he comes over to the UK. It was like an unspoken agreement at first, that we try not to be in the same room for too long, and it just stayed that way. So a trip to New York together would probably be disastrous, even if it was during half-term. I don’t know what Evan was thinking.
‘Annie… all I’m saying is that you need to live a little now and then. Let your hair down.’
I take a deep breath and count to ten. ‘Evan, besides the fact that I cannot take the children away from their education, I have a steady job that I cannot walk away from. If I took a week off during term time, I would pay for it with my own blood!’ The faces of the school’s management team pop into my head and I shudder. Just the thought of trying to ask for leave of absence to go to New York, and that close to the pupils’ GCSE exams, brings me out in a cold sweat.
‘Oh don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure if you explained…’
I fight the urge to growl at the screen and instead dig my nails into my palms. ‘I cannot have days off work. The children cannot have days off school. Evan, I had to literally beg the head teacher last year just to get two hours off work to go to Henry’s Christmas play. She wasn’t happy about that and I’m sure she would have said no if she’d had a good enough reason. New York was a lovely idea but unless you can arrange it during school holidays then, as I said, it’s a no from me.’ I watch him slowly deflate so add, ‘I’m sorry.’
He looks unbearably sad and I am reminded of how he looked at me all those years ago when I told him that I couldn’t just strap our child to my back and travel the world as he carved out his career. Once Janis came along, she became my top priority. Evan was working all hours and I didn’t feel like his equal any more, because he was so determined to be the provider. It scared me, the thought of completely relying on him for everything, and what we had just eroded away.
‘Sorry again, Ev. Do you want me to get Janis?’
‘Not just yet. Wait a moment,’ he says. We stare at each other; miles between us, years of separation between us, a lifetime of hurt between us.
I get up to leave.
‘Annie!’ I turn back to face him and stare deep into his eyes, eyes that once made me dream of foreign beaches, fun and freedom, of a lifetime of happiness, contentment and love.
‘Yes?’
He opens his mouth but pauses and licks his lips. His eyes tell me a thousand things that he clearly cannot say. ‘Nothing. Just, take care. I’ll try to think of something else for Janis’ birthday. I didn’t tell her about this because I wanted to run it past you first.’
‘Okay. Speak soon.’ I smile briefly then leave the room and find Janis hovering at the top of the staircase, her face a picture of hope. I wonder how much she overheard. Hopefully very little, because who’d seem like the big bad mother in all of this?
I pop downstairs to check on Henry and Anabelle but they are immersed in competitive colouring with the dogs watching their every move. I hope that they remember to tidy up properly afterwards so that Dragon doesn’t eat their pencils again. As they are occupied, I seize the opportunity to creep back up the stairs to finish my bath. There is an ache in my chest that I blame on a pulled muscle and I’m hoping that the warm water will help to ease it away.
When I am immersed in the lukewarm water – the bubbles have long since disappeared – I surrender to my confusion. I do not like to argue with Evan; I never have. Splitting up was the right thing to do all those years ago because things just weren’t right between us, and we’ve managed to be very grown-up and civil for Janis’ sake.
But with Dex’s wedding on the horizon, I’m aware that for the first time in a long time, Evan and I will be forced to spend a considerable amount of time in the same room. And right now, that idea makes me feel rather uneasy.
In the Middle of the Night
I don’t know why I agreed to this, I really don’t, as my instincts are screaming out against it. Perhaps it was guilt over the New York trip, but whatever my reasons, I caved and there is no going back now. That’s the problem with denying the children an opportunity – even if it was an impractical and impossible one – I just feel guilty and as if I need to compensate in some other way.
Henry has been asking for months if he can get a bearded dragon like his friend Joshua. Apparently, Joshua’s two bearded dragons turned out to be male and female and within months of them cohabiting, the female laid eggs. The eggs hatched and the ‘baby beardies’ – as Henry calls them – need homes.
Joshua’s parents are quite laidback, so much so that their house is full of different types of animals. It kind of freaks me out whenever I go there to pick up Henry after a play date, but I think it’s just because of all the things you hear in the media about reptiles and unusual pets. I mean, they actually share their home with spiders and snakes. Joshua’s father, Ken, works in one of those out of town exotic pet shops, so he often brings work home, and his mother Julie is a social worker. I’ve known them for years because Joshua and Henry went to the same nursery.
I knock at the door of their terraced house and wait. Henry is beside me and he hops from one foot to the other. ‘At least with it being half-term, I can help him to settle in, eh Mum?’ he asks me, his eyes wide with excitement. I nod and smile but my stomach is in knots.
What if it escapes? What if it bites? What if it carries diseases and one day I don’t turn up for work and three weeks later we’re all discovered covered in boils and…
‘Hey Annie, Henry and Anabelle! Come on in.’ Julie stands aside and ushers us into her cosy three-bedroom house which is positively bursting at the seams with vivariums, children and animals. Yet it smells very pleasant, like apple pie and fresh linen. In spite of my fear of the spiders, I feel like I could sit on one of the large sofas in the lounge, tuck my feet under me and take a nap. Let someone take care of me for a change.
Henry disappears with Joshua almost immediately to see the baby beardies and I bite my tongue to avoid telling him to watch out for spiders and snakes.
‘Mumma,