Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton

Brian Six

       THE FRUIT SCIENTISTS, THE

       TALKING GRAPES, THE CROWS OF

       THE FUTURE, THE DISCONNECTED-

       FACE-BUM-DOGS, THE PENCIL

       PEOPLE, THE NORMAL PEOPLE, THE

       ELECTRONIC NOIMPS, THE STUPID

       ANTS WITH HUMAN HANDS, THE

       UNITED STATES OF BEING A LION,

       THE SUBTERRANEAN KINGDOM

       OF THE CANNIBAL SKELETON

       ROBOTS, THE NON-EXISTENT

       MARTIANS, CHARLOTTE GLASS,

       THE HEXAGONAL PONY, THE GIANT

       WALKING CHESSMEN, THE CRUMBS

       OF THE SOUTH AND PLOVER

      20,000 YEARS BC

      NATBOFF

      L

      ong long timm go in Lamonic Bibber was

      cavma days. Bigges cavma was Natboff.

      1

      ‘ME THROW ROCK AT MITY WOOLY

      MAMMOF!’ say Natboff. ‘HAHA! WOOLY

      MAMMOF CRY LIKK BABY! NATBOFF BIG

      AN STRONG! NATBOFF HARIES FATTES

      CAVMA OF AL TIMM! NATBOFF BESTT!’

      But liff always go rong. Wun day Natboff

      walkig alonn wen com acros even bigge harier

      cavma of al timm.

      ‘HOO YOU?’ say Natboff.

       ‘ME CHUNKA!’ say even bigge cavma.

      ‘NATBOFF HATE CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.

      ‘NATBOFF EAT CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.

      Natboff try eat Chunka but Natboff no

      gud at. Chunka leg to thik for Natboff teeth.

      ‘HAHA,’ say Chunka. ‘NATBOFF

      PATHETI! CHUNKA BESST!

      ‘NATBOFF GOT CAV?’ say Chunka.

      ‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.

      2

      ‘NATBOFF GOT WIFE?’ say Chunka.

      ‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.

      ‘WAT WIFE NAME?’ say Chunka.

      ‘WIFE NAME SALLY,’ say Natboff.

      ‘WEL, THIS CHUNKA LUKKY DAY,’

      say Chunka. ‘NOW CHUNKA COM TO

       NATBOFF CAV AN STEEL NATBOFF WIFE.’

      O NO, thinnk Natboff. NATBOFF WISH

       NATBOFF NO TELL CHUNKA ABOU CAV

       AN WIFE.

      ‘HEY CHUNKA,’ say Natboff, crafty stile.

       ‘YOU KNO JUS NOW WEN NATBOFF

       TELL YOU ABOU CAV AN WIFE CAL

       SALLY? NATBOFF WAS ONLEH MAKK

       JOKKE! THER NO CAV! THER NO SALLY!

       JUS FUNNEH JOKKE!’

      ‘TO LATE,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA

       CAN TEL THEY REAL. CHUNKA COMIG

      3

      TO CAV TO STEEL WIFE.’

      O NO, thinnk Natboff. CHUNKA NOT

      JUS FAT AN HARY. CHUNKA A CLEVA

      FELLO INTO THE BARGEN.

      4

      Chunka go to Natboff cav an grab up

       Sally.

      ‘HEY SALLY,’ say Chunka. ‘ME

       CHUNKA. ME MUCH BETER AN FATTER

       AN HARIER THAN NATBOFF. YOU COM

       WIV CHUNKA NOW.’

      ‘IT TRUE,’ say Sally. ‘CHUNKA SO

       BIG AN FAT AN HARY! SALLY NO

       LOV NATBOFF NO MORE! SALLY LOV

       CHUNKA NOW! SALLY AN CHUNKA IN

       LOV!’

      ‘HA HA,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA

       DONE IT AGEN!’

      Chunka throw roks at Natboff an Sally

       spit in Natboff har. Then Chunka an Sally run

       way way off into foress to do baby cavmas.

      Natboff ver sad. Natboff do cry.

      Wolf com along an lick up Natboff tears

      5

      fro eyes.

      ‘WOLF BE NATBOFF FREND?’ say

       Natboff.

      Wolf nod.

      ‘WOLF BE NATBOFF WIFE?’ say

       Natboff hopfuly.

      Wolf laff an shak hed.

      ‘BUT WOLF BE NICE TO NATBOFF AT

       LEEST?’ say Natboff.

      Wolf nod.

      ‘MEBBE THINNGS NOT SO BAD

       AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

      But at night Wolf eat Natboff!

      Now Natboff in Wolf tummy.

      ‘THIS WORST DAY OF NATBOFF

       LIFF,’ say Natboff. ‘WAT NATBOFF DO

       NOW?’

      Natboff com up wiv plan.

      6

      NATBOFF WAIT TIL WOLF NEED

       TOILET IN BUSH, thinnk Natboff. THEN

       NATBOFF COM OUT OF WOLF AGEN!

       BETER THAN EVEH!

      So Natboff wait al day wile Wolf run

       round eatig stuf. Lateh on Wolf get belly

       rumbles.

      ‘O NO,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NEED FIND

       BUSH BEFOR TO LATE.’

      HERE ME CHANSE, thinnk Natboff.