Caleb nodded, but he didn’t really look relieved. She could hardly blame him.
“You did a gut job of reassuring her. I’m grateful to you, Sara.” The bleakness of his face extended to his eyes. “I could not have done as well. I couldn’t even get her to tell me.”
His pain seemed to wrench her heart. He needed reassurance as much as Rachel had, it seemed. “Sometimes it’s easier for a child to talk to someone other than a parent, that’s all. I remember telling my mammi things I didn’t want to tell Mamm.”
“Maybe.” He didn’t look comforted. “My little Rachel has had so much sorrow in her life, with her mamm sick for so long. But at least we used to be close. Since her mamm died, she’s been so withdrawn.”
“Even when we know it’s coming, death is a shock.” Sara picked her words carefully. “And children get funny ideas sometimes about what caused it.”
“I thought bringing her here would help her forget.” The words came out explosively, and his hands clenched into fists. “Instead I made it worse.”
“Ach, Caleb, you mustn’t blame yourself.” She touched his taut fist tentatively, wanting only to comfort him. “I don’t think it’s possible to forget the passing of those we love, even for a child.” She hesitated, afraid she might be going too far, but he needed help so badly. “Have you talked with her about it?”
He seemed to draw away. “Not much.” His voice was choked. “It’s too hard.”
Her heart ached for him and for Rachel. “I know. But it might help Rachel heal if you could talk, even a little, about how you feel.”
“No.” His facial expression seemed to close and his voice grew harsh. “I won’t expose her to my grief. She’s only a child. Don’t you see that?”
“I know. I just want to help,” she said, keeping her tone gentle. If he had to be angry with someone over what had happened, it might as well be her.
“I’m sorry.” He rubbed his hand over his face, as if trying to chase away the tension. “I should not have snapped at you. You are the best thing that’s happened since we came here. For Rachel, I mean,” he added quickly.
“She’s a dear child. How could I help loving her?”
Caleb almost smiled. “You have plenty of love for your scholars. Anyone can see that. But you haven’t...” He let that sentence die out, but she suspected she knew where it had been headed.
“Haven’t married?” She wouldn’t hide from it, as if it had been her fault. “I was supposed to be wed once. But it seemed Tommy always had something to do first—finish his apprenticeship, save some money, get experience with a job in Ohio—and then when he did marry, it was to someone else.”
It was his turn to touch her hand now. “He must have been ferhoodled.”
She shrugged. “Folks thought I should be heartbroken. But by then, I was busy with my teaching. I found my happiness with my scholars, and I didn’t look for anything else.”
She still didn’t, did she? She was suddenly aware of how alone they were in the quiet kitchen, with Caleb’s hand clasping hers so warmly.
“I...I should go home,” she stammered. “They’ll be wondering why I’m so long.”
“Ya.” He let go of her hand and stood, turning to take her jacket from the hook on the wall. “I don’t like thinking of you driving back by yourself.”
“Ach, the evenings are long this time of year. It’s not near dark yet, and I’m going less than two miles down the road.”
He glanced at the window and then nodded, holding the jacket as she slipped it on. He paused for a moment, his hands on her shoulders, and when she looked up, his face was very close to hers, his gaze warm on her face.
Her breath caught, and she couldn’t have moved to save herself. They stood so for an endless moment. Then Caleb was turning away, opening the door for her, careful not to look at her.
“Good night, Caleb,” she said quickly and hurried out of the house, her cheeks hot, trying to figure out what had just happened.
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