No way had he felt the same sense of intimacy, of forbidden sexual excitement, that she had last night when they’d said goodbye. To even consider that possibility was to deceive herself.
Hadn’t Ray made it clear she wasn’t the hottest thing between the covers? There was no reason to suspect Logan would ever be attracted to her.
Besides, her loyalty belonged to her husband. It was far too soon even to be considering a relationship with any other man.
“The chief’s waiting,” Logan said when she didn’t speak. “I just wanted to say hello and wish you luck.”
“Thanks,” she mumbled.
“If you’re still here at lunch, there’s plenty for you and the kids. You could stick around.”
“Kevin and Maddie would like that.” Both children had idolized their father and his career, the few visits they’d made to the fire station highlights in their young lives. Janice wouldn’t deny them that joy now that their father was gone.
LEAVING JANICE at the chief’s office, Logan walked upstairs and sat down alone at one end of the picnic-style dining table. The crew of Engine 61 had kitchen duty. Usually, a couple of times a week, whoever was stuck with the cooking would pay Logan a little extra to handle the task—pocket change. But not today. For the past month he’d turned down all their offers. Since the warehouse fire that had killed Ray, his heart hadn’t been in eating, much less cooking.
Or much of anything else, he realized. Unable to look them in the eye, he’d kept his distance from his fellow firefighters. In his own mind, he deserved to be ostracized from the brotherhood for not having taken the steps that would have saved Ray’s life.
Even during physical training this morning when the men of Station Six had jogged around a six-mile course at the local park and then done calisthenics, he’d lingered at the back of the pack. Keeping his distance. Acting like an arsonist afraid of being caught.
The same thing would happen this afternoon when they had a white-board training session on handling hazardous materials scheduled. Even if there were empty chairs, he’d stand at the back of the room.
Because if he got too close to these men who knew him so well, they’d see the truth about what had happened that morning. Logan would be the one to destroy the memory of a firefighter and make the medal his son showed off so proudly no more meaningful than a piece of scrap metal.
He couldn’t do that. In the brotherhood of firefighters, loyalty demanded that he keep his mouth shut and his damning knowledge to himself.
Over the loudspeaker, Mike Gables announced lunch was ready and men began to wander into the dining area for a menu of make-your-own sandwiches, apples, cookies and potato chips. Pretty simple fare.
Logan decided he’d wait for Janice and her children.
Getting up from the table, he wandered to the window overlooking the back of the station. Maddie was playing chase-the-dog’s-tail with Buttons; Kevin was hanging out with Tommy Tonka on Big Red, the 1930s-vintage fire engine the teenager was helping firefighters to restore. If all went well, the shiny rebuilt engine would lead the Founder’s Day parade in the fall. That was assuming they could find a new transmission or remake the old one.
He smiled as he saw Janice come out of the station. A breeze caught her skirt, molding it against her slender legs as she said something to her kids. A moment later, they all headed back inside. They’d be coming upstairs soon.
Silently he acknowledged he’d been unduly impatient to see her today. She might not be beautiful in the classic sense, but her genuine smile and the way her light-brown eyes lit up when she laughed had always tugged at something elemental within him. A reaction he needed to continue suppressing.
He met Janice and the kids at the top of the stairs.
“We get to eat lunch here with the firemens,” Maddie announced, as excited as most youngsters would be about a trip to McDonalds.
With mock formality, he bowed them into the dining room. “Step right up to the counter, ladies and gentlemen. All the ham and cheese sandwiches you can eat.”
Maddie giggled, Kevin swaggered ahead of his sister and Janice bestowed one of her heart-stopping smiles on Logan. He tried to remember she smiled at everyone that way and simply be glad he’d done something to boost her spirits.
Helping the trio get their lunches organized, Logan served himself last, then sat down at a table opposite Janice.
“How’d it go with the chief?” he asked.
“He’ll get me a check within two days, so the monkey is off my back for the moment.”
“Are we getting a monkey, Mommy?” Maddie asked around a mouthful of sandwich, mustard creasing the corners of her lips.
“No, honey. That’s just an expression.”
“Can we get a dog instead? One just like Buttons? I love him soooo much.”
From down the table, Mike Gables said, “My son’s dog Suzie is expecting, and we think Buttons could be the daddy. We’re looking for good homes for the—”
With a laugh, Janice held up her hand to halt Mike’s offer. “Why don’t we wait on that for a while?”
Formerly the most studly bachelor in the Paseo del Real fire department, Mike had recently married and settled into family life with an adopted six-year-old son and the boy’s former social worker. The youngster’s ragamuffin dog had been part of the package, a shaggy female of indiscriminate breed. Questionable morals, too, Logan thought with a grin.
“But Mommy, I’d love Buttons’ babies to pieces.”
“Yes, dear, I know.” Janice smoothed her hand over her daughter’s hair. “Eat your lunch now, honey. We’ll talk about getting a dog later.”
Kevin shoved his empty plate aside. “I’m all done, Mom. Can I go down the fire pole now?”
“You certainly may not! You know your father never allowed you to do that.”
“But, gee—”
Logan swallowed a chuckle. The pole that firefighters slid down to the fire engines when an alarm sounded was like a magnet to kids. During school field trips, a man was stationed at the doorway to make sure a youngster didn’t take an unauthorized ride down the pole—or inadvertently fall into the three-story-deep hole that surrounded it. But the children of firefighters generally sneaked a slide at least once as they were growing up. Kevin was plenty old enough to give it a try—but not when his mother was telling him no.
Coaxing Maddie to take a couple more bites of sandwich, Janice finished her own meal, then announced it was time for her to go. “I’ve got to take the children shopping for shoes. School starts next week.”
“I’m going to be in kenner-garden,” Maddie said proudly.
Logan smiled at her. “I bet you’ll be the smartest kid in the class, too.”
“I already know my letters and I can write my own name.”
“Good for you, sprite.” Collecting the empty plates before Janice could, Logan said, “Hang on a sec while I dump the trash. I’ll walk you downstairs.”
She waited, although the children didn’t. Kevin, wearing thick-soled, designer running shoes, the laces untied, thundered down the stairs with Maddie fast on his heels.
Janice followed more sedately, her hips moving with a natural grace. “I don’t know how my mother