He nodded. ‘I know I’ve made it clear that I’m a lone wolf—I never intend to marry—but I do mean to be a father to this child.’
She rubbed her temples, unable to look at him. She finally picked up her cutlery and ate a bite of food.
He honed in on her unease immediately. ‘What’s wrong with that? Why do you have a problem with that?’
‘Lone wolves don’t hang around to help raise the young, Ryan. They hotfoot it to pastures greener.’ Nothing he said made sense. ‘If you intend to never marry, that’s your business. But I don’t see how you can be both a lone wolf and any kind of decent father.’
She raised her hands, complete with cutlery, heavenwards. ‘To be a good father you need to be connected to your child, involved with it. When it needs you to, you have to drop everything at a moment’s notice. You have to...’ She met his gaze across the table. ‘You have to put its needs above your own...even when you’re craving solitude and no strings.’
He swallowed.
‘A baby is just about the biggest strings that you can ever have.’ She leaned towards him. ‘Ryan, you will be bound to this child for life. Are you prepared for that?’
He’d gone pale. He stared back at her with eyes the colour of a stormy sea.
‘For a start, how do you mean to make it work? How...?’ She rubbed a hand across her brow. ‘I can tell you how I mean to make it work. I mean to stay here in Monte Calanetti where I have a good job, a family I love and a network of friends. My entire network of support is here. What do you mean to do—drop in for a few days here and there every few months when you’re between assignments?’
‘I...’
She massaged her temples. ‘I don’t know what your definition of a good father might be, but that’s not mine.’
‘Mine neither.’ Hooded eyes surveyed her. ‘You have to realise I’ve only had a day so far to try and think things through.’
He wanted her to cut him some slack, but...this was her child’s life they were talking about.
‘I did have a thought during the drive up here,’ he said. The slight hesitancy in his voice coupled with the deep, whisky tones made the flutters start up in her stomach.
She swallowed. ‘Okay, run it by me, then.’
‘What if I buy a house for you and the baby, and whenever I can get back here I can stay and spend time with our child? I do mean to get back here as often as I can.’
He wanted what? She seized her fork and shoved lukewarm arancini into her mouth to stop from yelling at him. Yelling wouldn’t be mature or adult. It wouldn’t help their child. Her grip on her cutlery tightened. Oh, but it would be entirely understandable! Any innocent bystander would surely agree?
‘You don’t like the idea?’
She shook her head and chewed doggedly.
‘But the house would be yours and—’
He broke off when she pushed a whole half of an arancini ball into her mouth.
He rubbed a hand across his jaw. ‘Okay, what’s wrong with that plan?’
It took her a moment of chewing and swallowing and sipping of water before she could trust herself to answer with any equanimity. ‘You don’t ever mean to marry, no?’
His frown deepened. ‘Right.’
‘But it doesn’t necessarily follow that I won’t.’
He gazed at her blankly.
‘The mother, her baby, her ex-lover and her husband,’ she quipped. ‘All under one roof? How cosy. Not!’ She stabbed her fork at him. ‘Not going to happen.’
He dragged a hand down his face, before glancing back at her with eyes that throbbed.
‘Ryan, I will organise my own life—my own house and furniture, not to mention my work. If you want contact with the baby, then that’s fine. I have no intention of stopping you—but nor do I have any intention of being your glorified housekeeper while you do it. Buy a house in Monte Calanetti by all means. Feel free to hire a housekeeper and a nanny to help you with housework and the baby, but don’t think you’re going to cramp my life like that.’
‘You mean to marry one day?’
Of all the things she’d just said, that was what he wanted to focus on? ‘Of course I do.’ And while they were on the topic... ‘I mean to have more babies too.’
He paled. ‘And do you think this future husband of yours will love our child?’
What kind of question was that? How on earth could he think it possible for her to fall in love with someone who wouldn’t love her child too?
He sat back, his spine ramrod-rigid. ‘My offer of a house wasn’t meant to curtail your freedom. I can see now it was ill considered. You’re right—it would never work. I’m sorry.’
Did he really want what was best for their baby? She recalled the way his eyes had flashed when he’d said he wouldn’t let his child feel unloved or rejected. They were on the same side, but it didn’t feel that way.
He pressed his lips together. ‘We’re going to have to learn to work together on this.’
‘Yes.’ At least they agreed about that.
He thrust a finger at her. ‘And I can tell you now that I won’t be foisting my child off onto some nanny.’
That scored him a few brownie points, but... ‘What do you know about caring for a baby? Have you ever fed one and then burped it? Have you ever changed a diaper?’
He glanced away.
Marianna choked. ‘Please tell me you’ve at least held one.’
He didn’t answer, but his expression told its own story. Why on earth was he here? If he avoided children with the same ferocity he did marriage, why hadn’t he run for the hills?
I know what it’s like to feel unwanted.
Her heart suddenly burned for the small boy that was still buried deep in the man opposite her. He’d been hurt badly by his childhood, that much was evident, and he wanted to do better by his child. She couldn’t help but applaud that.
‘Hell, Marianna!’ He swung back. ‘I know nothing about babies or children. They’re a complete mystery to me. But I can learn and I will love our child.’
For their baby’s sake, she hoped he was right.
He’d gone so pale it frightened her. ‘Can you teach me what I need to know?’
‘Me?’ The word squeaked out of her.
‘There isn’t anyone else I can ask.’
The implication of his lone-wolf ways hit her then and she gulped. It occurred to her that he might need this baby more than he realised. She gripped her hands together in her lap. Admittedly, she and he did have to learn to work together—that’d be in the best interests of their child. And seeing the two of them working things out together in a rational, adult way would put both Angelo’s and Nico’s minds at rest.
If Ryan really was willing to make an effort then...then their baby deserved to know him, to have him in its life. Her baby deserved to be loved by as many people as possible. And... She swallowed. And if Ryan did suddenly decide that he couldn’t handle fatherhood, it’d be better to discover that now, before the baby was born.