Kelly shifted Will on her lap and breathed in James’s scent that lingered on her son. Their son.
Odd she should be here now, seeking the aid of the fun-loving man she’d tried so hard to forget, but he was Will’s father. And she had no one else to turn to. Over her lifetime she’d made a lot of rules that she observed diligently. Coming back, speaking to James, meant breaking rules sixteen and seventeen, but there had been no other way. She couldn’t bear the thought of Will ending up alone. She wanted him to know James’s love.
Even if she never would.
Chapter Two
“Why didn’t you tell me?” James asked, leaning back in the cafe’ booth, the toes of his boots bumping against the other side. “I think I deserved to know.”
The hurt and anger raging inside him was directed at himself as much as Kelly. Not long after she’d left, he had tried to find her. He’d known nothing about her family. Maybe if he’d bothered to ask more questions about her past he might have found her. Maybe if he’d hired a private investigator after his own attempts had failed he would have known about his son.
“I know I made some mistakes and in the process hurt you and Will,” Kelly said, sounding defeated. “I can only say I struggled with my decision. I’m sorry, James, I never intended—”
“Sorry? Sorry is for forgetting to ask if I want onions on my hamburger. Sorry is for leaving the gate open and letting the mare out. But sorry doesn’t cut it with something as life changing as forgetting to tell me I have a son.”
She flinched as she finished pouring syrup over the child’s pancakes before placing the saucer on the high-chair tray. “You have every right to be angry with me.”
“You’re damned right I do.”
“No matter what you think, I really did struggle with whether or not to tell you.”
“For two years, Kel?”
“I wasn’t sure you would want to know.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Please don’t raise your voice. It upsets Will.”
When several customers looked their way, he focused on his clenched hands and counted to five. He noticed the child’s mouth quivered as if he might cry, but a comforting word from Kelly calmed him.
She met James’s gaze, lifting her coffee mug, clutching it until her knuckles turned white. “Not long after I returned to school, I began feeling awful. I got up sick and went to bed sick. I had to drop three classes to pull a decent grade in the others.”
“If you’d told me—”
“Please let me finish. I’m being honest with you and would like the same from you. If you had known, would you have come for me? Would you have married me and settled down?” she asked, her eyes filled with a deep sadness that tore at his insides. “And if you had done those things, would it have been because you wanted to or because you had to? And afterward would you have blamed me for ruining your life?”
He dragged a hand through his hair, not at all pleased with the conclusions she’d drawn, then and now. Maybe the only conclusions she could’ve drawn, considering his history with women. “Since you didn’t bother to tell me you were pregnant with my child, you know I don’t know what I would have done. But for that matter, neither do you.”
Kelly met his gaze. “James, you are a wonderful friend. My best friend…at least you used to be. In spite of what you might believe, I thought about this a long time before making up my mind. I didn’t think you would offer marriage, so I focused on Will.”
“Tell me the truth, Kel. Did you even consider what I’d want?”
“Do you think you could have made a life-long commitment to Will? I don’t mean dropping in once every year or so when you were passing through to a rodeo or hauling a horse to breed—but making planned trips to see him, only him. Being a father means making time, even if you miss your first ride at the next rodeo.”
“Whether I could have done that isn’t the issue here. You had no right to make that decision for me,” he said, no longer caring if other customers overheard.
“I realized not long ago that I’d been wrong to not tell you,” she said. “I can’t undo what I did or give you back the lost time with Will, but I can give you his future. I’m here for the summer so you can get to know your son.”
He wasn’t sure he’d heard her right, couldn’t figure out why she’d changed her mind. Until this moment blaming her had somewhat eased the stinging blow to his pride, but now the impact of her words hit him like the kick of a mare. Rather than rejoice that she had finally admitted to being wrong and was now allowing him to be Will’s father, he wondered whether he really could be a father. A good father.
His relationship with his own father was dismal at best. His dad barked orders, pointed out every mistake and expected James to jump like his troops on the military base. He’d always claimed he did it to make James better, stronger.
In spite of their inability to agree on anything, James called his dad every couple of weeks. Their conversations always ended in an argument. His father would point out that a real man would want to defend his country. James resented the not-too-subtle reminder that his dad believed him an irresponsible failure.
He watched Kelly help Will get a drink of milk. The boy fussed when she wiped his mouth with a moist towelette, using hands that were gentle yet strong, like the woman.
He had missed her, the friendship they’d shared, the way she had always supported him, believed in him without question. And he didn’t understand what had caused everything to get so messed up between them. “Kel, how can you have been so sure what I would have done back then, when I don’t know the answer myself? And what’s different now, that made you change your mind about me?”
Kelly tossed the used towelette on the table. “James, please.”
She pulled the tray out from the high chair and lifted Will into her lap. “I struggled and struggled with this from the beginning, wanting to tell you, hoping that maybe if you knew…”
“What?”
She bit her bottom lip. “I wanted to do the right thing for all of us—you, me and our child. I must have picked up the phone a million times.”
James frowned. He might have had a wild streak back then, but he wanted to think he would have taken care of his child. Sure, he’d always had to prove himself by riding the meanest bronc and the rankest bull, driving the fastest car and tossing back the most beer, but last year a bad spill in Fort Worth had made him realize he was jeopardizing his veterinary career. Now he only competed if someone needed a partner in team roping on weekends. Regardless, she ought to know he wasn’t completely without values.
“You should have called,” he said. “I would have come after you—”
“I did call.”
“When?”
“After Will’s birth.” Kelly nestled her cheek against the child’s head and cradled him in her arms, rocking back and forth as the boy’s hand caught hold of her braid, which had fallen over her shoulder.
“I don’t understand. I never got your message.” James couldn’t force himself to look away from their son playing with her hair. Memories of taking it down, running his hands through the thick mass and then, later, enjoying the feel of it across his chest distracted him.
“I didn’t leave a message. When I called, some woman answered.”
“A woman?”