She hated that feeling of emptiness. Of failure. She dreaded it. And she was so scared it was going to happen again.
After an age, she was able to lift her damp face from Adam’s shoulder, to wipe her tears and paste a brave smile on her face. But then she was swamped by a fresh wave of remorse. Poor Adam! She was wrecking his holiday with such hysterical carryings on.
By the time they reached Florence, she was determined not to mention Maria’s baby—or anyone’s baby, for that matter. Over the next few days, she riveted her attention on Adam and on the wonderfully rich feast of art in the cathedrals, the piazzas and the galleries.
She and Adam shared happy kisses on the Ponte Vecchio, the romantic bridge crossing the River Arno that had inspired poets for centuries. They held hands as they strolled and lingered through the straw markets.
In the evenings they ate out, sharing exquisite meals like gnocchi gorgonzola that melted in their mouths, and they drank rich red Italian wine. Back at their hotel, they made love long into the night.
On the morning they were to leave for Assisi, she went to the bathroom and saw the stain she’d been dreading.
No! Oh, Lord, no! It couldn’t be.
Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, she let the tears fall. She tried desperately to cry quietly. She didn’t want Adam to hear her. But she couldn’t bear the disappointment.
Her prayers hadn’t been answered. Their relaxing holiday hadn’t helped. Once again, her world had stopped.
Another chance lost.
Eight years of marriage without a baby.
It was some time before she felt strong enough to come out of the bathroom. Adam looked at her sharply. ‘Everything OK?’ he asked.
She couldn’t speak at first, but she nodded.
‘Are you sure, Claire? You don’t look well.’
‘I’m fine. Really I am.’ She was not going to make a fuss about this. Adam didn’t deserve to be subjected to her fits of depression. Fighting back a fresh threat of tears, she hurried towards the doorway, mumbling that there was one last thing she wanted to buy.
He caught her hand as she passed. ‘Would you like me to come with you?’
‘No,’ she answered hastily, shaking her hand free again. ‘You finish your packing. I’m just going to Via Ghibellina. There’s something I saw in a little shop there. I won’t be long.’
With a gentle touch, he brushed his finger down her cheek and his eyes held hers.
He knows. Claire looked away, afraid to let him see how upset she felt.
‘You know, you’re the prettiest girl in this whole damn town,’ he said with an encouraging smile.
‘Sure,’ she replied and managed a hasty answering grimace that she hoped would pass for a smile.
Hurrying out of the hotel and through the streets, she took deep breaths and forced herself to calm down. The tiny pink layette hand-stitched by nuns was still there in the shop window. Yesterday, she’d almost bought it to put away with the things she was keeping for her baby. If only she’d bought it then!
Now it was too late. No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t bring herself to keep it. Today she was buying it for Rosa.
The old woman in the shop wrapped the dainty garments very carefully in blue and white tissue paper. Claire carried the parcel back to the hotel and didn’t show it to Adam. But she was aware of him watching her, silent and frowning, as she slipped it into her suitcase along with the presents she’d selected for the rest of Jim’s family.
‘I’m packed and ready,’ she said when she finished, but for the life of her she couldn’t manage another smile.
‘Auntie Claire! Uncle Adam!’
‘Mum, they’re here!’
Claire could hear the excited cries of her nephews even before she and Adam made their way across the porch, past the row of dead pot plants, to the front door of Jim and Maria’s house in suburban Sydney.
This stopover in Sydney before travelling another two thousand kilometres to Nardoo had been her idea. She knew Adam was having second thoughts about the wisdom of visiting Jim’s family. He was worried that seeing the new baby would get her worked up. But she was determined to be strong.
The last few days in Italy had been wonderful and she’d worked hard to get over her disappointment. Now that they were home again, she would get on with her life. She would calmly congratulate Jim and Maria on the newest addition to their family and hand over the gifts. And that would be all. No fuss. No tears.
Before she could knock against the peeling paint, the door opened and a trio of eager little faces beamed up at them.
‘Hello, darlings!’ Claire bent low, opened her arms to Tony, Luke and Toto and was swamped with boisterous hugs and kisses. ‘My, look at you. You’re all growing far too quickly.’
Over their heads she saw her sister-in-law, Maria, coming towards her with her sweet toddler Francesca in her arms. Claire kissed Maria and thought she looked pale and tired. How could she not be tired with this house full of demanding little people?
And now there was another.
She entered the house and looked around her, her stomach bunching nervously. She could do this! There was no sign of a bassinet and she wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed.
When Tony had been born, the bassinet had stayed proudly in this front room so that every visitor had to tiptoe and whisper while they admired Jim and Maria Tremaine’s son and heir.
She guessed that the new baby must be tucked away from her noisy brothers and sister, asleep in a back bedroom.
Behind her, Adam piled the gifts they’d brought onto a coffee-table, while Tony and Luke tried to tackle him to the floor for their favourite uncle sport—wrestling. He’d always been a great hit with his nephews.
‘Hold on, tigers, let me say hello to your mother first,’ he said, laughing.
As he ducked his dark head to kiss Maria’s cheek, Claire noticed that even her careworn sister-in-law brightened with a spark of feminine interest.
Adam always had an instantaneous effect on women—any woman, any age—and every time Claire saw it, she marvelled that she’d been the lucky one he’d wanted to marry.
‘Jim’s probably still fighting his way through the peak-hour traffic, but, please, sit down,’ Maria said.
Claire wanted to ask about the new baby, but instead she took her seat and pointed to the gifts. ‘We brought you some souvenirs that can’t wait till Christmas and there’s a panettone from Siena.’
An image of the narrow, ancient, cobbled streets of Siena, dark and crowded in by tall medieval buildings, flashed through her mind as she handed Maria the boxed traditional cake and she felt a pang of sympathy for her brother’s wife, who had never seen the fascinating homeland of her family.
‘Thank you,’ Maria said, waiting until her guests were seated before she took her place in an old lounge chair. ‘Did you like Italy?’ She frowned as she tried to poke some stuffing back through a tear in the upholstery.
‘We loved it,’ Claire said gently. ‘We’ve brought you lots of photos.’
The children, their dark eyes big with excitement, crowded closer and it seemed as good a time as any to hand out all the things she and Adam had brought for the family. For the next few moments there was a flurry of unwrapping and cries of delight.
Maria set Claire’s gift, the delicate Venetian glass angel, on the sideboard and Claire felt a stab of discomfort as she noticed