‘You really want space.’
‘Yes.’ Could she make it any clearer? ‘I want to get my head around this myself, and I can’t do that with you.’
HE GAVE her space and she loathed him for it.
He spoke politely at work, and he didn’t text, or ring, or email.
There was one room left to do in the flat and she couldn’t face it.
Could not go in and again picture a cot, so she opened up her laptop on the disgusting green carpet and logged in as Ellie again and tortured herself with his latest postings.
He was back to earn more money, apparently.
And one of the many that jarred was a response to a question from Gillian.
Bangkok here I come!
‘It’s me and you,’ she said to the slight curve on her stomach—and she slapped paint on her baby’s wall and refused to wait for Nick’s epiphany to come. She would keep on keeping on.
But when she had her first ever ring on her own doorbell, she didn’t feel so sure.
He was blond and unshaven and looking just a bit fed up with his lot.
‘Just how much space do you need, Alison?’ he asked. ‘Because this is driving me crazy. You can’t just ignore it.’
‘I’m not ignoring it.’
‘No one knows—I saw you lifting a patient, all the X-rays in Resus…’
‘I go out,’ Alison said. ‘I wear a lead gown.’
‘Does your mum know?’
‘Not yet. I’m not keeping it from her,’ Alison said. ‘Well, I am, but she’s going on holiday, I don’t want to ruin it.’ And she burst into tears. ‘Like I ruined yours.’
‘You haven’t ruined anything,’ Nick said, and she couldn’t even begin to believe him. ‘I’m crazy about you. I have been since that bus ride.’
‘Oh, please…’ And out it came then, all the pent-up insecurity, all the doubts, all the things she’d stored up and tried to pretend didn’t matter.
‘You’re single online,’ she flung it at him. ‘Off out, having fun—’ she tossed that word up at him ‘—delivering babies up mountains, climbing bridges, and not a single mention of me…’
‘Alison…’ He was trying not to smile, and it incensed her. ‘You’re single, I can see that in the small part of the profile you allow to be visible, and you won’t even be my friend…’ He nudged her, tried to pull her from her tears as if they were in the school playground.
‘No!’ She was furious, close, dangerously close, to painting a gloss ochre strip on his suit with the paintbrush she pointed at him. ‘I don’t go on there.’ Well, she did, all the time lately, but she wasn’t actively on there was what she would say if challenged, but she was on a roll now. ‘You say you’re crazy about me, that you can’t stop thinking about me, but you’re on there every night, and I seem to slip your mind every time.’ And then she burst into hears as she recited his latest posting. ‘Bangkok here I come!’
He laughed.
He had the audacity to laugh, but not at her, Alison realised, because in the middle of hell she actually laughed too, a laugh that was laced with tears but a laugh anyway. ‘You’re such a bastard.’
‘But I’m not.’ He shook his head. He rued his words and the pain he had caused her, but he knew at least that he could put that bit right. ‘I’m not a bastard, Alison, I’m not even a good backpacker, I’m the worst backpacker. That person you’re reading about…’ And she watched him struggle to explain it. ‘Do you know how hard it was to justify taking a year off? Do you know how hard it was to end a very good relationship, for no good reason?’
And she did, she did.
‘It seemed incredibly important to…’ He raked his hand through his hair. ‘To cram everything in, to have a ball, to validate…’ Then he was completely serious. ‘And I’ve loved doing all those things, but the bit I’ve loved most is the photos, is the afterwards, is sitting on the balcony with you. I can’t tell her I’m no longer single on a computer, that’s a face to face, or a difficult phone call at the very least, and I wouldn’t do that to Gillian. I honestly didn’t know you were looking, or I’d have explained…’ She shook her head, sick of his smooth talk, not wanting to be a woman who just believed because it was safer. It annoyed him, she could tell, so much so that he opened his laptop and she ignored him, carried on painting the wall as he logged on.
Not sure about Bangkok. Alison is pregnant, but she hasn’t told her mum yet and we’re not sure what to do. That bloody ride to Palm Beach was awful. I had meant to tell her I was serious and we spend some time overseas to get to know each other more. She got all stroppy and hitchhiked a lift home, she was completely mental…
‘Do you want me to post it? ‘
She just stood there and read over his shoulder.
‘Do you see that the person you’ve read about isn’t all of me?’
She could.
‘That there are other sides?’ She nodded. ‘I rang Gillian.’ Alison felt her world still. ‘I told her about you, because even though we’re over, even though it ended more than six months ago—’ and she got what he was saying ‘—she didn’t need to read about it first.’
‘I know.’
‘And there’s something else you should know,’ Nick said, ‘which you might not like and you might not understand. But I told her about the baby too. I know there are other people we need to tell…’
And she didn’t like it, because it confirmed her darkest fears.
‘It gives you the reason to stay.’
‘I’ve already got a reason,’ Nick said. ‘I already had a reason.’ He pulled her close. ‘You.’ Then he ran a hand over her stomach. ‘This one just speeds up the decision-making process.’
‘It’s not what you wanted.’
‘Not with Gillian,’ Nick said. ‘Alison, I don’t believe in accidents.’
‘So I meant it to happen.’
‘I don’t mean that.’
‘You work in Accident and Emergency, you’re going to be consultant when you get back…’ Her voice was rising. ‘And you’re standing here telling me that you don’t believe in accidents.’ She was incensed now. ‘What? Do you think my father and brother secretly wanted to die, that they deliberately—?’
‘I mean this sort of accident…’ He closed his eyes. ‘I’m not saying this very well.’
‘No, Nick, you’re not.’ She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. ‘You really think I set out to—’
‘No.’ He interrupted. ‘No.’ He said it again.
‘Then what?’
‘We knew,’ Nick said. ‘We, more than anyone, knew. And, yes, we were careful, but not that careful.’
And she opened her mouth to argue, but nothing came out, because