‘You didn’t actually use the word love,’ she mused.
‘I told you I was yours, heart and soul. If that doesn’t mean love, what does it mean? And you must have guessed my feelings before that.’
‘I know that we both got carried away. So much has happened that we can’t really see each other straight any more. Isn’t it better to step back and wait a little?’
‘No, it isn’t better. And wait for what? For you to let me into your life? I could wait for ever for that. And I won’t wait. I love you. I think I’ve loved you for a long time, and I’d probably have realised it sooner but for Dad. The way he kept trying to force us together just had the opposite effect. But we can’t let him do that to us. I’ve held back, waiting for you to see that we belong with each other not because of Dad but in spite of him.’
‘How do you know that we belong together?’ she cried. ‘Just because it’s what you want?’
‘No, I think it’s what you want too. I feel it when I hold you in my arms. I feel it even more when I kiss you and you kiss me back. I think you love me as much as I love you.’
‘You have no right to take that for granted.’
‘You think I believe only what I want to believe? All right, why don’t you prove me wrong?’
Before she could answer he’d taken her in his arms and was kissing her with an intensity that had a hint of desperation. The instinct to resist him flared for the briefest moment and died before the ferocity of her own feelings. Without wanting to she was kissing him back, moving her lips in ways that she knew challenged him, teased him, taunted him.
‘I had to come here,’ he said. ‘I told myself I was going to be patient, but I can’t think of anything but you. I want to marry you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I can’t believe that it’s all for nothing. Freya, don’t tell me it’s all on my side. You wouldn’t kiss me like that if you felt nothing for me. You’re mine. You can’t be anyone else’s.’
But suddenly the fear was there again, making her struggle free.
“That’s the sort of thing Dan said,’ she cried. ‘And it was all a lie. No, leave me alone.’
‘But I want to marry you. I have to. I won’t give up.’
‘Do you know how much like your father you sound when you say that? He announces what he wants and everyone has to fall in line.’
‘I’m not my father, and I’m not like him. I’m not doing this to please him. I think I’ve wanted to marry you for a long time.’
‘How long? Was that in your mind on my wedding day, when you drove my groom away? Has that been the truth all the time?’
‘Don’t say that. Don’t even think it.’
‘Why shouldn’t I say it? You’ve as good as admitted it.’
‘No!’
‘That’s been the truth all the time, hasn’t it? You wanted me so you manipulated everything to get me. I trusted you. I relied on you. I felt I could turn to you. But you’ve never really been the man I thought you were.’
‘If that’s what you truly think of me,’ he said, ‘then I’ve been wasting my time. We’ve both been deceived in each other.’
He drew a long, rasping breath.
‘I’d better go. If I stay any longer I could start to hate you as much as I love you.’
‘Yes, go—go!’
He stepped back to the door, opened it, and then paused to say quietly, ‘I’ve never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you. When I understood that it was like the sun coming out in the universe. I felt that nothing could ever be the same again. And it won’t be. But I didn’t realise it would be like this. Goodbye, Freya. I hope that somehow you find the good life that I can’t give you.’
The door closed.
Freya reached out her hands towards it, but stopped, drew back, and threw herself on the bed in a passion of sobs.
* * *
Again she had a sense of history repeating itself. After Dan’s desertion she’d set herself to build a new life. Now she was rebuilding again, but she knew that Jackson had not deserted her. It was she who had deserted him.
The thought of his pain broke her heart, but she knew she’d had no choice. Something wasn’t right between them, and until she understood it and dealt with it there was no way of going forward.
In her darkest moments she feared that there never would be a way.
She tried to distract herself by concentrating on business, learning something new from Marcel and Cassie every day. They both acclaimed her as a splendid pupil.
‘I think life as a businesswoman might well suit you,’ Marcel observed one evening. ‘You’ve got the shrewdness and clear sight, plus a good head for figures. And you’re not easily taken in.’
‘You mean I saw through Pierre and the other men who thought they could seduce me and part me from my money?’
‘Yes, it was wonderful watching you,’ Cassie chuckled.
‘They were easy to see through,’ Freya said with a shrug. ‘Mind you, most men are.’
‘Stick with that belief,’ Marcel told her. ‘You’ll end up as a millionaire.’
They all laughed.
He was about to refill their glasses when the phone rang.
‘Who can that be at this time of night? Hello? Leonid! Good to hear from you. What’s that? Congratulations! How is Perdita? Fantastic!’
‘Has she had the baby?’ Cassie asked eagerly.
‘Yes. It’s a girl. Mother and daughter are doing fine.’
‘Wonderful!’ Freya and Cassie exclaimed, throwing their arms around each other.
After a few more minutes Marcel hung up.
‘We’re all invited to the christening,’ he said.
‘Lovely!’ Cassie cried. ‘I’ve always wanted to see Moscow. Oh, Freya, won’t that be exciting?’
‘Thrilling,’ she agreed.
It would be good to see Jackson. Things might never again be right between them, but she needed to see his face, watch his eyes, discover the future.
The next day she returned to Monte Carlo, to discover Janine in an edgy mood.
‘I hoped things would be better between you and Amos by now,’ she ventured.
‘He plays the devoted husband, but I’m not fooled. You only have to look at how eager he is to go to Moscow.’
‘But of course. He’s going to be a grandfather,’ Freya argued. ‘The world’s going to have another Falcon.’ She struck a theatrical attitude. ‘An addition to a great dynasty. He must be basking in it.’
‘Oh, yes,’ Janine sighed. ‘And if it was just that I wouldn’t mind. But I can’t help thinking about Varushka, Leonid’s mother.’
‘I thought she was dead.’
‘She is. She died six months ago, and he made a dash to Russia to be there at her bedside to say goodbye.’
‘But doesn’t he still have some business interests over there? He was probably visiting anyway.’
‘No. We were planning a few days away, to celebrate my birthday, but he suddenly announced that he had to go to Russia urgently. He dashed off the same day and was gone nearly a week. He said it was business, but the