She looked up at him, her face all puffy and pale. Did everyone keep changing? I wondered. Did no one ever stay the same?
“But I can’t stand to see her, Ted,” she cried. “All I can see is Mad Mick’s eyes in her face, and I can’t forget what he’s done.”
“But she’s just a child, Mary.” Ted’s voice was very, very sad. “Then you take her, Ted,” she said in a low, angry tone. “I’ve got too much pain in me to care where she goes.”
I knew then that eventually they would send me away. It seemed that my world would keep on changing. But I liked having my dad’s eyes.
* * *
THE CHURCH MUSIC WAS heavy and slow. I thought Daffyd would have liked something much more jolly, for everyone to sing to. I sat behind a tall gravestone and waited for all the people to file into the church. I waited for my dad. If he was an angel now, then surely he would come to his friend Daffyd’s funeral.
He didn’t come that day, though, so when everyone came outside again, I headed home to sneak some cakes and sandwiches from the plates that were laid out in Mrs. Mac’s front room. It was the first time in days that I was able to eat my fill, and my stomach felt so sore that I climbed up the stairs to my own cold bedroom and finally slept.
I felt a bit better when I woke—the hunger pains no longer gnawed at my stomach—so I went next door to see if Mrs. Mac had changed back into herself yet.
I hadn’t really minded not having a mother up until then, for Mrs. Mac had always been like a mother to me. Now, when she looked at me with sad, vacant eyes, vague memories kept coming back, of glossy brown hair, a merry smile and the sweet scent of summer flowers—memories of the mother I hardly knew. She’d gone away, too. Perhaps it was my fault that everyone left.
My dad had been upset—I remember that. He yelled at her when she ran from the house in her high-heeled shoes. They went tippety-tap on the concrete path, then her laughter was lost in the roar of an engine. He cried when she’d gone, and I cried, too, because he was sad. I had Mrs. Mac, though, and my dad, so I soon forgot my mother. Suddenly it seemed as if she’d left just yesterday. Maybe she’d come back to look after me now. I asked Ted about it when he came to find me, but he shook his head slowly.
“Oh, Elsa,” he groaned. “You poor little mite.”
Was that what I was now, a poor little mite?
“What’s a mite, Ted?” I asked.
He lifted me up very high, swinging me around and around and laughing too loudly, but he didn’t answer my question.
“Let’s go see if Mrs. Mac will clean you,” he said. “You look as if you haven’t had a bath in days.”
I felt a bit better. Perhaps Ted would take care of me now.
* * *
I HAD ONLY JUST STARTED school that autumn. I liked my class and my teacher, Mrs. Meeks, and I liked learning things. But no one had told me to go to school since my dad went away. I wondered if I should go by myself, but I wasn’t sure of the way, so I took long walks on the shore instead.
Mrs. Mac ignored me most of the time, so I stopped trying to sit on her knee. She thought I had my father’s eyes and she didn’t like him anymore, so she must not like me, either. Sometimes she tried to be nice, but even when she spoke to me she never looked into my eyes. I searched for my lump of crossness when she did that, to hide the ache inside me that wouldn’t go away.
One day I heard her talking to Mr. Mac.
“The authorities will have to take her,” she said. “I can’t go on like this.”
That was when I decided to go and ask Ted if I could live with him.
A narrow lane led along the shore to our row of cottages, so close to the sea that in high tide the water lapped right up to it. Ted’s house was at the other end, higher up on a rocky incline. It was small and white with twinkling windows—a clean and friendly house, I thought, as I walked quickly toward its neat red door.
A slim blonde woman answered my knock. I had seen her before in the village with Ted, and she was at Daffyd’s funeral. Mrs. Mac called her “the city girl.” I don’t think she liked her very much.
“Hello,” she said in a high, bright voice. “I’m Victoria. How can I help you?”
My heart beat hard inside my chest.
“Is Ted here?”
Her face darkened and a shadow came into her pale eyes. “Ted’s busy, I’m afraid, Elsa.”
I stared at the floor, squirming as I realized that I was wearing mismatched shoes. I had forgotten that Ted had someone.
“I know Ted’s been watching out for you, but...well...”
Her eyes were kind but her whole body was tight and her mouth was a thin line.
“Look, dear...” Her words died out as his huge shape appeared behind her, towering over her slight frame. Now, I thought with a lurch of joy, everything would be all right.
“Come inside, lass,” he urged, but there was worry in his eyes, and he kept glancing down at Victoria’s smooth blond head as if he was afraid of her. That was a silly idea. How could anyone so big be afraid of someone so small?
She took hold of my arm—I wanted to pull away but I didn’t—and made me sit down on a sofa that was much too big for the cramped room. It was pale cream with pink flowers all over, and I’m sure it would have been soft and comfy if it hadn’t been covered in plastic.
“Would you like some lemonade?” she asked.
I shook my head and gritted my teeth, trying to say the words I had rehearsed. They wouldn’t come, though, so I sat quietly, twisting my feet together to hide my shoes.
Ted wasn’t like himself; he looked sad and distant.
Please don’t let him change, too, I said to myself, searching deep down for my lump of crossness so I wouldn’t cry. Why didn’t she go away and let me talk to Ted by myself?
“Ted,” she ordered, “come and help me make some tea.” Her voice was brittle, like a thin piece of glass. Then she turned to me with a bright, empty smile. “Are you sure you won’t have some lemonade, Elsa? Or we have orange juice?”
Ted grinned uneasily as he followed Victoria out of the room, but I just frowned.
I could hear their voices through a crack in the door. I pressed my ear up close to listen.
“You’ll have to tell her, Ted.”
Victoria spoke in the hushed whisper that all adults used when they didn’t want kids to hear, so I listened even harder, knowing they were about to say something bad.
“But what will she do? She has no one,” Ted argued. “She relies on me.”
“That’s not the point. The longer you leave it, the worse it’ll get and the more she’ll depend on you. She’ll be wanting to come live with us next.”
“Well...I suppose...”
Ted’s voice was wavering and I knew all was lost. It seemed that it was possible for a small person to be the boss of a big one after all. My crossness hardened into something sharp and painful.
“She needs proper care by people who know what they’re doing. Anyone can see the poor kid has problems. Frankly, I’m not surprised, living all alone with that Mad Mick Malone. The authorities will—”
I burst through the door, letting it bang against the wall, screaming as loudly as I could, so loudly that Ted’s face went white. Victoria gave him an “I told you so” look and pursed her lips. She reached out to grab me, but I broke free, sprinting from the house into the lonely