It had been a cold, windy day in November when she’d seen him again, walking across campus. She hadn’t seen him in five months but had recognized him instantly in the crowd. She’d called his name and he’d turned to look and then kept walking. She’d convinced herself that he hadn’t seen her. The second time she’d seen him she’d called his name more loudly and he’d moved his head slightly in her direction but hadn’t turned around.
The final rejection had come in March. She had been sitting in a local coffee shop, studying, determined to make the dean’s honor list so she would qualify for a scholarship the following year. She had been deep in thought when she’d had a sense that she hadn’t felt in almost a year. She’d looked up and seen Matt, the same old Matt, in jeans and a cream sweater, with his brown leather tote bag slung across one shoulder. She’d seen him as he’d been looking at her and turning away.
That time she hadn’t been able to say anything, she hadn’t called out his name or even moved from her seat. She’d watched in horror as he’d walked away from her and out of the shop. In an instant all her fears had been confirmed. She had no longer been able to deny that he knew she was in New York and he’d wanted nothing to do with her.
She looked up to see that Chloe wasn’t eating. She glanced at her own plate, which was almost full with her favorite pesto linguine that she had no appetite for. “Do you want to get this to go?”
“Yes, please. I’m exhausted,” Chloe replied. As they waited for the check it was Chloe who broke the comfortable silence.
“Kate, can you think of any reason why Matt walked away from you?”
“I’ve thought of every reason. The only one that justifies his actions is that he really didn’t love me.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
“So what do you want now?”
“I want the impossible. I want to trust the man I love to love me back and not break my heart again.”
IT WAS ANOTHER week before she heard from Matt again. A whole week to replay their entire relationship from their friendship to the night they’d made love, and the repercussions that had followed.
Kate was once again in the emergency department, reviewing consultations with the junior residents, when her pager went off. She looked down at the little black box that seemed forever attached to her and didn’t recognize the number.
She reached for the nearest phone and dialed the displayed number. “This is Kate Spence. Someone paged?” she answered once the person on the other end picked up.
“It’s Matt.”
She paused, not sure what to say. Her conversation with Chloe had helped her understand her feelings towards Matt and it felt even harder to talk to him knowing she still loved him.
“Kate.” Matt said her name.
“I’m here.” She had lowered her voice, not sure where the conversation was headed but knowing she didn’t want it overheard.
“We need to get together to talk about that night,” Matt stated, in what Kate considered to be an overly businesslike tone for something so intimate, something so personal. She arched her back in defense and looked around the crowded emergency department to ensure that no one was within earshot.
“I gave you more than enough opportunity to talk about that night nine years ago, Matt. I don’t want to talk about it now.” She waited and heard him exhale slowly.
“I meant the night that Mr. Weber died, Kate. I need to finish your statement to help with the case. But, for the record, a talk about the other night is long overdue.”
It was her turn to sigh now. She felt embarrassed and could feel color flooding her face. She looked down and studied the linoleum floor as if the more intensely she stared, the more she could avoid Matt’s presence on the other end of the phone.
“I can meet you after you’re done working,” Matt offered, saving her from having to respond to his earlier statement.
“Okay, but not at the hospital.” She actually didn’t know where the best place to talk with Matt was. Nowhere, she thought. She wanted to avoid a public scene but it would be worse to be together in a private place.
“I’ll pick you up at nine—will that give you enough time to finish up? You can tell me then where you want to go.” He was giving her control, but the gesture did little to put her at ease.
“Yes, that’s fine. I’ll be waiting outside my place at nine. See you then.” And she hung up before she could embarrass herself further.
Matt was becoming more of a contradiction each time she talked to him. Everything she had believed about him was changing. She’d thought he didn’t want her, but now he did. She’d thought what they had been together had been a lie, but he’d said she’d belong to him always. Now, after nine years, he thought they needed to talk about that night, after he had done everything possible to avoid doing that.
Kate returned to the waiting resident and did her best to focus on the patient’s history. After examining the middle aged woman together and then arranging her admission for management of a partial small bowel obstruction, it was eight p.m., and Kate found herself sprinting home.
By the time she entered the brownstone apartment she was breathless. She had twenty minutes before Matt would be arriving, and she knew she had just enough time to shower and change. Years of rushing to and from the hospital at a moment’s notice had taught her to be efficient.
She showered and washed her hair, toweling it dry and twisting it into a knot on top of her head. She rubbed in the lotion her skin desperately needed after long days spent in the dry, non-infectious conditions the hospital maintained. In her bedroom, she managed to find a pair of clean jeans and a long-sleeved black sweater. She was just bending to put on socks when the front buzzer rang. She slipped her feet into tall black leather boots, grabbed her wool coat and applied lip moisturizer as she locked her apartment and proceeded down the stairs to meet Matt.
He was waiting in the entry. He had obviously been home since the office, because the business suit was gone and in its place was a pair of dark jeans with a dress shirt and blue sweater layered over the top. Despite the layered look there was no mistaking the broadness of his shoulders and the build of his chest. The chest she had seen, had felt pressed against her. Damn, this is not what she needed to be thinking.
Matt didn’t say anything. He held open the front door to her building and followed her out to his car, where he opened the passenger door for her as well. Once she was settled he closed the door securely and circled to the driver’s side. It felt like being taken care of, it felt nice, and she didn’t want to be feeling that again with Matt.
“Where do you want to go?” Matt asked, turning towards her with his full attention.
“I don’t know,” Kate answered honestly, too off balance by the situation to think properly.
“We should probably go somewhere private where our discussion can’t be overheard if we’re talking about the case. That leaves out public restaurants. So the options are my office or my apartment—”
“Office,” Kate answered, before Matt had even finished. There was no way she wanted to be back in his apartment with him. Things had gotten way out of control the other night and she would be a fool to think that couldn’t happen again.
“Okay, as you wish.” He shifted the car into gear and they entered traffic. Kate avoided small