The truth was, a life without him had been impossible to imagine.
In the three days since she’d walked out of Zack’s office, it had changed. She didn’t have a vision when she viewed the potential bakery locations. She saw nothing more than brick and wood. There were no visions. No warmth.
There was no Zack.
When he’d handed her the ring … the temptation to say yes had been there, and it had sickened her. That she would continue to be the void filler in Zack’s life, while she let him be her everything. It was wrong. And she knew it.
Still, a part of her wished she could go back and say yes. She despised that part of herself.
She sighed and walked up the narrow staircase that led to her apartment. She hadn’t taken the elevator in three days, either. Because it reminded her of the elevator rides with Zack, the ones rife with sexual tension. It was almost funny now.
Almost. She’d discovered a broken heart made it mostly impossible to find things funny.
When she reached her floor she walked slowly down the hall. She was exhausted, but going back to her apartment wasn’t a restful thought. Because he was everywhere there. Memories of him. On her couch, in the kitchen, most recently, in her bed.
She stopped midway down the hall, her eyes locking on the small pink and brown box placed in front of her door. She eyed it for a moment before making her way to it, kneeling down and lifting the lid.
Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the contents. Cupcakes.
The ugliest cupcakes she’d ever seen. The frosting was a garish orange, the cake a sort of sickly pale gray. There was a note tucked into the side and she took it out and unfolded it.
I know I said I don’t bake. I did, though. For you. Because it means something to you and I wanted to try it. It made me feel close to you to do it. Please don’t eat them, they’re terrible. I miss you.
Zack
She traced the letters with her fingertips, his handwriting so familiar. So dear to her. The note was scattered, funny. Sweet. She could hear him reading it to her.
A tear slipped down her cheek. “I miss you, too,” she said. “But I couldn’t let things stay the same.”
“Don’t cry. I know they’re awful, but they aren’t that bad are they?”
Clara looked up and saw Zack standing in the doorway of the elevator. He looked tired, the lines around his mouth deeper.
She wiped her cheeks. “They’re pretty bad.”
“Almost as bad as their creator.” He took a step toward her. “I’m sorry. About the other day. About the past few weeks.”
“Zack can we not do this? I don’t think. I don’t think I can.”
“Well, I can’t walk away. I won’t. So if you don’t mind me camping out here in front of your door until you’re ready, then I can wait.”
Clara crossed her arms beneath her breasts, curling her hands into fists, trying to disguise that she was shaking, trembling from head to toe. “What is it?”
“I told Amudee that I lied.”
“And?”
“We still have a deal, but not based on how he feels about me as a human being. More about my corporate track record.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I had to clean this up. I used you. I didn’t want to gain anything from that.”
Clara tried to smile. “I appreciate that, Zack, but …”
“I’m not finished.”
She blinked and tried not to cry. She wasn’t ready for this. Wasn’t ready for him to try to repair their friendship, not when she needed more.
“You were right. About me,” he continued. “I have been trying to control everything in my life, including you. Because I felt like there was safety in control. I felt like it was responsible, and I never wanted to deal with the consequences of a lack of control again.”
He took a step toward her, put his hand on her cheek, and her heart stopped. “Clara, from the moment I met you I felt a connection with you. And I had to make a very quick decision about where to put you in my life. It was conscious. It was controlled. So I decided you would be my friend, my employee, but never anything more. Because I think part of me knew that if I let you, you could mean everything to me. If I didn’t keep you in your place you would fill my life, every part of me. That I would love you. But then in Chiang Mai, being near you like that, I couldn’t deny it anymore. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t want you. And we gave in. I lost control. So then, I thought maybe if I put you in that same place in my head I put my lovers, I could have you in my bed, without risking anything more. Without things getting deeper.”
Clara’s entire body trembled as she looked up at Zack, as she watched his face, so tired and sad. Mirroring her own, she knew.
“But they got deeper,” he said, his voice rough. “And I couldn’t stop it. Then I tried to reset things, and that didn’t work, either. Not just because you told me where to stick it, which I absolutely deserved, but because things changed too much. Because knowing what it is to be skin to skin with you, has changed me. And it terrified me to admit that, even to myself.”
“Zack …”
“You have every right to be angry at me. To hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“That’s good, because it makes this next part easier. Because as terrified as I was the first time we kissed, I’m even more afraid now.” He took a deep breath, his nerves visible, his control absent. “You’re right, Clara Davis, you do make me tremble. You have been my friend, my partner, my lover. I want you to be all of those things to me for the rest of my life. I’ll understand if you don’t want the same from me. But no matter what, you have to know that I love you.”
Clara felt dizzy, her fingertips numb. “You … you love me?”
“With everything. After we made love at my house, the last time, I felt like I could breathe again for the first time in fourteen years. For the first time since I lost Jake, I felt something real, something bigger than myself. Do you have any idea how much that scared me? But I realized something, the other day as I was reaching for a bottle of alcohol, to drink away the pain for the first time in fourteen years. That love can make you strong. I’ve always thought of it going hand in hand with loss, with weakness. But being with you … it makes me better. That’s just one reason I love you so much. One of the reasons I had to tell you. Because all of my control, all of my pride, was just to cover up how scared I was. How weak I was. You’ve made me stronger. You’ve made me stop hiding.”
A sob worked its way up her throat. “Zack, I thought I knew you. For seven years I thought I knew you. I thought you were this suave, together guy who had an unshakable calm that I really, really envied. And then I found out how broken you were, how messed up. I loved you before. I loved that guy I thought I knew. His jokes, his company, everything.”
She pressed on, her voice cracking. “But do you want to know something? I love this man more.” She stepped forward and put her palm flat on his chest, her hand unsteady. “Because this is you, and this is real. And I know you’ve been hurt. I know you’ve hurt in ways I can’t imagine. And I know you aren’t perfect. But you’re perfect for me.”
And then he was kissing her, his lips hot and hungry on hers. Her chest expanded, love, hope, filling every fiber of her body. When they parted, they were both breathing hard.
“Do you really