Drew still plagued her, but not as much as Josh now did. She was a work in progress, slowly working through her issues and taking it day by day. But she didn’t want to talk about Drew.
She wanted to touch him so bad it hurt. She had to go for it. There was so much to lose, but if she was going to go mad and ruin things regardless, she might at least give it a shot before that happened.
“Fine. I’ll talk.” Micah turned to face him, leaning back against the arm of the couch and extending her legs until her bare feet reached him. Her sweatpants had ridden up her legs as she slid them in his direction, exposing goose bumps that had nothing to do with the cold. She wiggled her toes against his solid thigh. She took a deep, stabilizing breath. “My feet are cold, though. Will you hand me that blanket?”
Okay, so she wasn’t very good at playing the role of seductress.
“Where are your socks? You’ve got goose bumps, crazy girl.” He took hold of her feet and lifted them onto his lap, rubbing them briskly in an effort to warm them.
This was so silly. She felt ridiculous!
He grabbed a blanket from the basket next to the couch and draped it over her legs, carefully tucking it around her feet.
A caring and brotherly move.
Argh!
This was an epic fail.
“Do you think we’ll be friends forever, or do you ever wonder if we’re heading in different directions?” Why had she asked that? She just needed to give up now. “I mean, like the group of us. Sometimes I wonder how long this will last with all of us still being friends. I want it to last, but I wonder if it will. We all seem to want such different things in life.”
She was just rambling now. Nothing that came out of her mouth made any sense.
“Just because we all want something different or are maybe heading in different directions doesn’t mean we can’t still be there for each other. I know that you’ve been struggling lately with Drew’s anniversary. And I know that it seems like none of us care anymore. It probably worries you that he was the only thing that held us all together, and if we move on from him then we all fall apart. But I don’t think that will happen. He may have brought us all together, but he isn’t what holds us together.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“I think it’s the same with any relationship. You’ve got to make the conscious decision that no matter where you are in life, you make time for the ones who matter most. You put in the effort and make it work.”
But what about us? “Will you always make time for me, Josh?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“You promise?”
“Actually, I was contemplating a best friend upgrade, but since you’re getting all serious on me, I’ll pass and let you stick around.”
“Gee, thanks. Always knew I could count on you.”
“But seriously...” He grabbed her ankles and pulled her close to him so that her legs draped over his lap. He wrapped his arm around her and held her close. “I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”
Temptress she was not. Best friend forever was the more appropriate title.
* * *
The moment he pulled her onto his lap he knew he had made a huge mistake. Her legs were draped over his lap, her head on his chest. He had one arm wrapped around her while the other was inching closer to dangerous territory. He let his hand relax as it hung over her upper thigh, but if he moved it a centimeter he would be touching her. It would be too easy to drag his hand up, to explore the forbidden peaks and valleys of her beautiful form.
Amid the comfort of her in his arms, his body and mind battled it out. He wanted to pull her against him, kiss her senseless, show her all that had been culminating within him. But he knew it was wrong. He knew he should push her back to her side of the couch, a safe distance between them.
He pressed play on the remote and the movie started where they had left off. Against his better judgment—which was how he did things these days, apparently—he draped the blanket over the both of them to fight off the chill of the long, cold, wintry night they had ahead of them. They remained nestled on the couch, neither of them moving from their positions, warm and snuggled together. The fierce wind blew hard and hail pinged against the windowpane, but he wasn’t paying any attention.
“Sorry for being so difficult lately.” She spoke quietly against his chest. He could almost feel her words more than he could hear them, the vibration moving through his chest. She lifted her face to look at him, her eyes bright and full of an emotion he couldn’t distinguish. She’d always been like that: felt too hard, loved too much.
“What are you talking about?”
“The last couple of months. You know, first with the depression. I was so needy. Then with the... Well, anyway. I’ve just been a pain. Maybe I’ve been that way for years.... I don’t know how you’ve put up with me for so long.”
“You haven’t been that bad.”
What she was going through was normal and could be justified. He, however, had no excuse for his behavior.
“You’re a liar, but thank you. I’m hoping this is the end of it, though. I think I’m finally ready to move on.”
“And are you? Moving on?”
“Sometimes I feel like I have moved on. Then other days, it seems difficult to let go. Two steps forward, one step back. And every time I feel this sense of guilt for even trying to move forward.”
“I know what you mean.” He knew exactly what she meant.
“You do?”
“Yes. It feels like you’re dishonoring him and his memory.”
“Exactly.” Her response was a whisper on his neck.
She leaned into him, her face buried in his neck. Her lips innocently came in contact with the skin just below his ear. Electricity coursed through him as his hold on her tightened. He closed his eyes, praying sanity would return.
Focus on the subject at hand. Something platonic. Focus on Drew. Or your mother!
That worked.
He thought about the important things. Micah considered him to be her safety and he took the job seriously. He would make sure she always felt secure with him. The images that ran through his mind threatened that in every way possible. He’d begun to recite it to himself, a mantra of sorts: Drew’s girl. Drew’s girl.
“I think I’ve always felt guilty for living, guilty for turning him away that night, for ignoring my instincts and letting him drive in that storm. I didn’t feel like I deserved to live life, much less a happy life.”
Her words hit too close to home. His own guilt was overwhelming. He could take hers away in an instant, but he would lose her just as fast. She would hate him if she knew the truth. She would never forgive him. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. It was just his time to go.”
“Yeah. I think I’ve finally figured that out. And that we honor his memory best by living a life he would be proud of. You know he always lived life to the fullest. He would expect the same from me.”
They watched the rest of the movie in silence, but his mind was far from quiet. He kept thinking about what she had said about Drew wanting them to live life to the fullest. Part of him wanted to believe Drew would have supported anything that made Micah happy. But what if he couldn’t make her happy?
He had never wanted anything more from a woman than a casual relationship. He’d never allowed anything deeper to happen between him and someone else. What if he wasn’t capable of a long-term commitment?