She held her breath, waiting for him to continue.
“I spent weeks in a hospital. My lungs collapsed from shrapnel and they thought I was going to die. But I lived through it. When I got out, I realized that there was only one way I could go from there, and it was straight downhill. So I told Shirt I was quitting.” He laughed mirthlessly. “But first I went on one last mission, just to prove to myself that I still had the guts. And I came out of that one without a scratch. I came back to the States afterward. I figured that someday the guys I’d served with might need a lawyer, and I needed a profession. So I got a job and went to school at night.”
“You aren’t a fugitive?” she asked.
“No. In one or two countries, perhaps, if I were recognized. But not in the States.” He turned, studying her through narrowed eyes. “That’s why I guard my past so meticulously, Gabby. And it’s why I don’t like reporters. I’m not ashamed of the old life. But I don’t like being reminded of it too often.”
“Do you miss it?” she asked, probing gently.
He sighed. “Yes. Part of me does. Life is so precious when you’ve touched death, Gabby. You become alive in a way I can’t explain to you. Life is pretty damned tame afterward.”
“This is why you came after Martina, isn’t it, Jacob?” she asked, fitting the puzzle pieces together. “Because you knew that you and the group could succeed where a larger group might fail.”
“We’re the only chance she has, honey,” he said quietly. “In Italy I might have stayed out of it. But down here…the government has its hands full trying to keep up with crime and trafficking, not to mention corruption. Besides all that, damn it, she’s my sister. She’s all I’ve got.”
That hurt. He might want Gabby, but he didn’t care about her. He’d made that perfectly clear. She lowered her eyes to the skirt of her nightgown.
“Yes, I can understand that,” she said in a subdued tone.
“I had a long talk with Laremos last night,” he said. “I told him that if he touched you, I’d kill him. You’ll be safe here.”
Her head jerked up. “I’m not afraid for myself,” she said. “Only for you and the others.”
“We’re a good team,” he said. “The way you and I have been for the past two years. Do you want to quit now, Gabby? Are you disillusioned?”
He sounded coldly sarcastic. He lifted the cigarette to his lips with a short laugh.
“Are you firing me?” she threw back, angered by the unexpected and unwarranted attack.
“No. If you leave, it’s up to you.”
“I’ll think about it,” she said.
He crushed out his cigarette in an ashtray. “You’d better get dressed. I want to go over those codes with you one last time before we get under way.”
“Yes, of course,” she murmured. She got up and went to find her clothes. Before she could turn around, the door opened and he’d gone out.
She got dressed and sat down on the bed and cried. To go from dream to nightmare in such a short space of time was anguish. And the worst thing was that she didn’t even know what had happened.
It didn’t matter to her that he’d been a soldier of fortune, she thought miserably. How could it, when she loved him?
Loved him. Her eyes pictured him, dark and solemn and strong, and a surge of warmth swept over her like fire. She would have followed him through that jungle on her knees without a single complaint. But despite his obvious hunger for her, he didn’t want anything emotional between them. He’d pretty well spelled that out for her. Martina was the only person on earth he loved or would love, and he’d said so. What he felt for Gabby was purely physical, something he couldn’t help. She was a virgin and she excited him. He wanted her, but that was all. And he could have had her that morning, without a protest on her part. He must have known it, too. But he hadn’t taken her, because he was strong. He didn’t want her getting involved with him, so he’d told her all about his past.
That was the final blow, that he’d shared his past with her only to put a wall between them. She hid her face in her hands and tried to hold back the tears. How was she going to manage to work with him day after day now, when he couldn’t help but see how she felt?
But that wasn’t the worst of it. He was going out into the jungle after kidnappers who could kill him. Her heart froze in her chest. She couldn’t stop him. All she could do was sit there and pray for him.
All the pleas in the world wouldn’t hold him back, not when Martina’s life hung in the balance. If there was a chance of any kind, he would take it. But if he died…oh, God, if he died, there would be nothing of worth left in Gabby’s life. Tears welled up in her soft green eyes as she tried to imagine a world without him. She wanted to go with him, to risk her life at his side, to die with him if that was what lay in store. But even as she thought it, she knew that nothing would convince him to take her along. He might not love her, but he was fiercely protective of her. He wouldn’t allow her to risk her life. And she couldn’t fight him.
With a resigned sigh, she got up, combed her hair, and went into the living room where the men were assembled. It took the last ounce of courage she possessed to smile at them. She couldn’t meet J.D.’s searching gaze at all. It would cut her to the quick to see indifference in his eyes.
There was a new face in the room. It belonged to a dark, lithe man with pale blue eyes.
“Semson,” J.D. told her, indicating the newcomer. “He’s been out scouting for the past day or so.”
“Gabby?” the new man murmured and grinned at her. “How do you stand working for this guy?”
She smiled wanly. “Oh, it has its moments,” she confessed, but she didn’t look at J.D. as she said it.
J.D. had picked up an automatic weapon something like a machine gun and slung it over his shoulder, but he was carrying the crossbow. Gabby stared pointedly at it and suddenly realized what it was for.
She looked up, and he seemed to read the thought in her mind.
He nodded. “Sentries,” he said, confirming her suspicions. “If there are any.”
She felt her throat go dry. She’d never been in a situation like this, and she could have kicked herself for coming along. It was one thing to watch an operation like this in a fictional TV show. But to realize that any one of these men, especially J.D., might never come back from the rescue attempt…that was altogether different.
“Hey, Gabby, don’t look so grim,” Apollo chided. “I won’t let this big turkey get himself hurt.”
Gabby laughed despite herself. “Thanks, Apollo,” she said. “I’ve gotten kind of used to him.”
“That works both ways. Laremos, take care of her,” J.D. told the other man.
Laremos nodded. “Be assured that I will. Now, shall we double-check our coordinates and codes?”
They did, and Gabby felt her palms sweating as she rattled off the codes from memory. She knew how important they were, and that made her more nervous than ever.
“Calm down,” J.D. said quietly. “You’re okay.”
She smiled for him. “Sure. You