She nodded, forcing herself to stay strong. ‘We don’t want the same things, Seb. We’ve both been honest about that. I was always going to want to find a way to have a family. You’ve always said that isn’t on your agenda. I need to go.’
Now was his chance to tell her he’d changed his mind. That he couldn’t live without her. She held her breath, waiting to see what he would do.
‘Okay.’ Seb sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and sighed. Luci stretched out one hand, wanting to run it over his back, but she hesitated just inches from his skin then pulled her hand away. She didn’t know if he wanted or needed comfort.
Seb pushed himself to his feet and turned to face her. His blue eyes were still troubled but his voice was strong. He nodded his head. ‘I respect the fact it’s your decision to make. I’ll just grab a few things and I’ll sleep on the boat.’
Disappointment flooded Luci’s chest and surged through her belly. She’d pinned her hopes on him changing his mind, even though she’d known it was a long shot, and it was devastating to know that he wasn’t going to argue with her. That he wasn’t going to change his mind. But neither was she.
She wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to leave tonight but then realised it was probably better if he did. He wasn’t the man for her future. He had been a perfect interlude but she couldn’t let emotion derail her dreams.
But saying goodbye to Seb took some of the gloss off her dream. Gaining the knowledge that she could have kids meant she was losing him. She needed to remember he had never really been hers in the first place.
This was goodbye.
She loved him but that was irrelevant. She had said she would give her right arm to have a chance at motherhood; giving up Seb was much harder.
She wasn’t going to let the chance to have a baby feel like a consolation prize. She wanted a child more than anything. She had to remember that. But that didn’t stop the tears from flowing again as she watched him walk out the door with his duffel bag and bike helmet. He travelled light, leaving only with what he’d come with, and taking her heart with him.
SEB HAD FINISHED his stint at the family and community health clinic. He was gone and Luci was doing her best to focus on her job. She had two days left before she went back to Vickers Hill for Christmas. She still hadn’t decided what she would do after that. She’d make a final decision after the Christmas break. Hopefully by then her head would have cleared and she’d be able to think straight. She was having difficulty focusing, her thoughts turning constantly to Seb, and her heart was hurting so badly it was making her feel nauseous. She knew she had done the right thing, saying goodbye to him, but that wasn’t making it any less painful.
The nausea was so bad today that she’d actually vomited up her breakfast and hadn’t been able to keep anything down since. She felt like she might have contracted a virus. She had five minutes before her next appointment so she quickly took her temperature while she checked her emails. There was one from the doctor’s wife in Budgee and Luci noticed it had been copied to Seb. She scanned the message. The doctor’s wife had forwarded it from Nadine. She had wanted to send photos of her twins to Seb and Luci.
Luci opened the attachment. The twins appeared to be thriving. It was amazing to see how much they had developed in four weeks. They were both starting to fill out and their chocolate-brown eyes were shining. Luci felt a pang of envy but she had hope now and the knowledge that one day she might be holding a baby of her own in her arms was making it easier to cope with all the pregnant clients and newborn babies she seemed to have on her list.
After an uncertain start in community health she was now enjoying getting to know her patients and being able to give continuity of care was rewarding. It was very different from working in a hospital and she had managed to establish good relationships with several of the regular clients, which was extremely satisfying. Melanie Parsons was a good example. She and her kids had been in to see her several times and Melanie appeared to be coping much better. She and her husband were both attending counselling and her husband had also joined AA. Luci was pleased that she had been able to witness what she hoped would be the start of something better for their family. Seeing the change in Melanie and getting emails from patients like Nadine made her feel that she was making a difference and doing something worthwhile, even if her heart was breaking.
The thermometer beeped and Luci closed her emails and read the display as her diary flashed to indicate that her next client had arrived. Her temperature was slightly elevated—she’d take something for that after she’d finished her next consult.
‘What can I help you with today, Shauna?’ she asked as her client sat and settled her toddler on her knee.
‘I think I might be pregnant again.’
Luci waited for the usual stab of jealousy but it didn’t come. She didn’t need to feel jealous any more, she was certain pregnancy would happen for her one day. ‘Have you done a test?’
‘I’ve done a couple,’ Shauna said. ‘One came back positive and one was negative but I’ve got all the usual symptoms. I feel sick, my boobs hurt and I need to go to the toilet constantly. I thought maybe you could do another test.’
Luci took a jar for a urine sample from the cupboard and handed it to Shauna.
She tested it when Shauna returned. ‘It’s negative. When was your last period?’
‘Three weeks ago.’
‘It might just be too early.’
The conversation made Luci think of her own situation. When had her last period been? she wondered. She did a quick mental calculation. It had been almost six weeks ago.
She and Seb had practised safe sex most of the time but that night on Seb’s boat, during the thunderstorm and in the heat of the moment, protection had been the last thing on her mind. She hadn’t thought anything of it then. Sex that night had been spontaneous, contraception hadn’t been an issue for her then, and she hadn’t given it a moment’s thought.
Maybe she was pregnant?
But that eventuality was more than likely just wishful thinking. Mind over matter. She was probably putting two and two together and getting five, she thought. But the minute Shauna left the consulting room she took a standard pregnancy test from the cupboard for herself.
She took it into the bathroom. She knew what she was looking for. She’d done dozens of these. She was looking for two pink lines.
She waited. She’d never seen the two pink lines before.
Until today.
She double-checked the window. She leaned over the basin and triple-checked but the lines still remained.
Her knees buckled and she sat back on the toilet seat.
That explained the nausea and her slightly elevated temperature.
Her hand went to her stomach.
She was pregnant.
* * *
Seb was into his second week of holidays. He should be somewhere far away from Sydney. His plan had been to take his boat and travel but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to leave. Not while Luci was still in town.
He’d realised too late that he should never have left so hurriedly the night Luci had said goodbye. He should have stayed and argued his case, only he hadn’t known he’d had a case. Not then.
His knee-jerk reaction had been to leave. He didn’t want to settle down, to commit—at least, that was what he’d been telling himself for three years—and it had taken him a while to realise he’d changed his mind. That Luci had made him change his mind. She had brought the light back into his life and her absence