I was until twenty seconds ago. Liar.
She hadn’t been right since she realised her patient’s IVF babies were coming far too early.
His gaze was caring. Oh, how she remembered that caring. It was his middle name.
‘My thoughts exactly. Just having a bit of a kip against the wall. I get it. It’s how I cope with a crisis too.’
Uh-uh. Not so. Her memory was excellent. This man dealt with harrowing issues by striding out for hours, those long legs chewing up kilometre after kilometre as he went over and over whatever was eating him up. Her leg muscles had ached for days after she’d stuck with him for nearly three hours, charging along the city waterfront, listening as he worked his way through grief and anger one particularly dark day.
‘I haven’t suffered a crisis.’
Not much.
So why were her knees feeling like over-oiled hinges?
His mouth quirked in a funny, heart-slowing way. ‘You used to be embarrassingly honest.’
As in, I feel something for you, Michael and would love to continue seeing you, honest?
But unlike that day, when he’d intoned in a flat voice that he wasn’t interested, now there was a friendly warmth in his voice that touched her deeply. Made her feel vulnerable as the longing to tell him everything cascaded through her.
Tightening her knees, lifting her chin, stuffing that need way down in a dark place, she went with a different truth. ‘I’m gutted that I couldn’t stop those babies coming.’ Even though she was not a doctor. ‘They’re far too early.’
His elbow nudged her lightly. ‘No one would’ve been able to do that, Stephanie. Please stop beating yourself up. You don’t deserve it.’
Seemed he cared that she got this right—which, if she wasn’t prudent, could make falling into those eyes too easy, could make leaving today behind for a while effortless.
Some of the frost that had been enveloping her heart for so long melted. ‘That doesn’t stop me wishing I could’ve.’
His eyes lightened as he looked her over with that smile lingering at the corners of his mouth, offering her support when she most definitely hadn’t asked for it. Not that she didn’t want to ask, but laying her heart out for him to see when she was messed up over those babies would not be her greatest move.
Time to go back to base and hopefully a straightforward call-out to someone who thought they were having a heart attack but in reality had indigestion. Whoever it was would get all the care Steph was capable of before being handed over to the ED staff. And at least then she wouldn’t feel as though the ground had been cut from under her.
‘Kath’s full of praise for you. Says you were awesome.’ Michael held her gaze. ‘Hold on to that thought. Stop punishing yourself. It’s not your fault your patient was well on the way to going into full labour by the time you picked her up. There wasn’t another thing you could’ve done.’
Ping. Her lips lifted of their own volition. ‘Back at me, huh?’
Her words of wisdom from years ago weren’t so easy to accept when they came from the opposite direction.
‘Only because you were right.’
He hadn’t thought so at the time—had said she didn’t know what she was talking about, didn’t understand his grief over losing that little boy.
‘Being a paramedic seems harder because the buck stops with us until we get to an emergency department. I never felt alone when I was working in here, or so responsible for someone else.’
So gutted when the situation turned to custard. The odds on one, let alone both those babies surviving were long. A shudder rocked her and she wrapped her arms around herself.
‘Yet even in here you fought tooth and nail for your patients, no matter who else was around.’
His words were a balm, a gentle caress of understanding, and she needed that.
Steph wrestled with the urge to lean in against that expansive chest, tightening her hands into fists, rocking on her toes, flattening her mouth, staying away.
This was Michael—the man she’d worked with, laughed and joked with, shared one intense night with while they’d walked and talked for hours about a wee boy who’d died under his care. A night that had ended in making love for hours and which had led to more nights of wonder until—ping!—it was over. Gone in a quiet conversation about responsibilities and life and not getting involved.
He was one of the reasons she’d scarpered out of town and away from the job she’d loved, leaving her family and friends, renting out her house, to head to Queenstown where she knew no one. One of the reasons. Another of those reasons had also raised its sorry head today. Obviously a day for reliving the past. Great—just when she was starting over. Again.
There’d been a lot of starting over during the last two years. Which might explain this sinking sadness pulling at her. As if she was being tested to see if this was what she really wanted.
Yes, she did. As she had every other move. And every time the excitement and certainty had run its course and left her confused and a little more lost. But this time she was back home where she belonged for good. This was where her family was, her best friend, her past: the good and the ugly. It had to work out or she had no idea what else to do with herself. She had to accept once and for all that she would never have her own baby.
‘Ready to go, Steph?’ Kath appeared in her line of sight.
‘More than.’ She almost choked on the words. The need to be busy doing something—anything—was beginning to suffocate her. ‘Good to see you again, Michael.’
She acknowledged the man beside her, ignored the disappointment filling his eyes, and headed to the ambulance bay without a backward glance. The only safe way to go. She’d got that first meeting out of the way—now she could move forward, box ticked. But first she needed to pull herself together and look the part of a happy woman tearing through life like there was no tomorrow.
* * *
Michael stared after Stephanie, absorbing the protectiveness he’d felt for her the moment he’d laid eyes on her, wanting to banish whatever had caused all that hurting going on, knowing he couldn’t unless he was prepared to let her close.
Stephanie Roberts really was back in town. Rumour had warned him—reality frightened him. He’d been prepared as much as possible to see her, had been ready to say Hi, how’s things? and get on with his day. He hadn’t been expecting the slam of recognition from his body at the sight of her, the intense longing for her to be at his side, with him throughout...everything.
What he wanted now was to wipe away that pain, bring on a smile full of warmth—not that tight I-am-not-hiding-anything grimace that actually hid nothing. Forget staying uninvolved. At least until she was smiling again.
What’s wrong, Steph? What happened to throw you against that wall like you couldn’t stand up by yourself?
He knew her as a strong woman who didn’t buckle easily. Or so he’d believed. Something had undermined that strength today.
His jaw clenched. Tension rippled through his muscles. Did her mouth still tip up higher on the left side when she gave a genuine, big-hearted smile? He’d thought he’d conquered those sweet memories of how he wanted to sing and dance when she smiled. Of how her toffee eyes were easier to read than a toddler’s book. Of how calm he felt around her.
She’d never asked anything of him—except to go to a football match with her which, when interpreted, had meant have a future together. That had scared the pants off him and had had him hauling on the brakes fast.