Meals and board had been provided along with whatever basic material possessions she’d needed, but that all-important element had been missing, as it had for most of her life. Love wasn’t something given or received easily for her, even with Gerry.
It had been a slow burn for them but eventually she’d learned to trust, to open up her heart and believe him when he’d promised her a future and a family together.
Even though Cal knew about Gerry’s betrayal since it was the reason she’d been driven to his arms, the extent of her financial struggles was another secret she was keeping from someone she considered a friend. With good reason. He’d insist on riding in on his white steed, waving his fat wallet, to save her and she wasn’t going to be indebted to him or anyone else. She had to get used to managing on her own when she had errands to run or do the night feeds when she was exhausted beyond belief. The stakes were too high now for her to let anyone into that armoured heart again.
‘The “caff” it is, then.’ Cal took the lead from Izzy’s clues as to what she could afford, not necessarily what she craved. Which, at this moment, didn’t go beyond a chance to kick off her shoes and sit down with a cup of builder’s tea.
* * *
‘Do you think they’re going to be okay?’ Izzy cradled the chipped mug in her hands, drawing comfort from the heat as a chill fluttered over her skin.
‘Who?’ Cal sawed off another chunk of sausage and popped it into his mouth. It had become a tradition to go for a meal when their shift had ended. Not only because they’d worked up an appetite, but they needed that time to come down from the adrenaline high and process what they’d gone through at the scene of whatever medical emergency they’d just attended.
‘Tara Macready and her baby—you know, the woman we just saved.’ She set her tea down and poked the sausage and bacon on her plate with a fork. A fry-up was the standard fare in this particular establishment, but the smell of grease was making her feel queasy again. Rather than make him suspicious she’d ordered her usual, but she’d only managed to nibble at the toast so far.
‘We did our best and they’re in the best place to recover.’ Cal carried on eating, but the image of the blood and knowledge of Tara’s condition wouldn’t leave her. Most people probably wouldn’t have realised she was pregnant, but Izzy would’ve noticed even if it hadn’t been in her notes. These days she was aware of every new change in her body and she’d recognised Tara had the same slightly swollen belly as she did.
This kind of accident wasn’t an unusual sight, given the nature of their work, and it was vital they kept a certain detachment when attending these scenes. They weren’t supposed to take the emotional trauma home with them and usually she didn’t, other than a phone call to check up on a patient’s progress.
This one was different as it was a mother and her unborn child in jeopardy. Perhaps they’d all be different now she was going to be a mother herself. The idea of setting off in the helicopter alone was making her question her own mortality these days. Until now she’d never worried about her own safety up there, but in the not-too-distant future she was going to have someone depending on her coming home from work day after day.
The sound of cutlery clattering onto the plate made her jump and the touch of Cal’s hand as he settled it on hers didn’t help soothe her nerves.
‘They would never have made it at all if they’d gone by road and she might lose the use of her hand but they’re still alive. Now, are you going to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours today? You’re not yourself at all.’ It wasn’t that Cal didn’t have sympathy for them, but he knew, as well as she did, that they had to do their job and move onto the next one without looking back in case it affected future call-outs.
That had taken some getting used to, although she’d had years of experience as a nurse in A and E. Cal too, a consultant in emergency medicine, had found those first cases difficult to walk away from at the hospital doors. They’d often talked into the wee hours about their day, much to his fiancée’s annoyance.
These pregnancy hormones were making her feel as though she’d taken a step back, seeing everything in a new, terrifying light. Not that she had any intention of giving up her job. She loved being part of the team being whisked up into the air at a moment’s notice to save people in trouble. This was simply a blip and one she couldn’t wait to get over, along with this nausea.
‘Sorry. I’m not the best company at the minute.’
He squeezed her hand. ‘You know I’m here for you anytime.’
His misplaced concern caused her eyes to prickle with tears. Recently she’d suspected her eyeballs had been replaced by tiny hedgehogs, that was happening so often. He was so considerate it pained her, knowing she was about to turn his world on its head again.
‘Thanks,’ she said, withdrawing her hand from the safety of his. It wasn’t going to do her any good to expect Cal to prop her up every time she had a wobble, no matter how comforting it was. They hadn’t planned this baby and whilst she was reconciled some way to the idea of becoming a parent there was no guarantee he would. There was every chance she would end up raising their child alone and she was fine with that. If that’s what Cal wanted.
‘Perhaps you came back too early—you know, after Gerry,’ he said softly with some hesitation, and she knew he was half expecting her to kick off at the suggestion. Which she usually did when anyone tried to tell her what to do, thinking they knew her better than she knew herself.
She didn’t agree with him on this occasion either but she’d no other way to explain her current mood without spilling the beans about the baby.
‘You could be right.’ She pushed her plate away before she vomited.
* * *
Now Cal knew something really was wrong with Izzy. She usually fought him over the smallest difference of opinion, so daring to suggest something as huge as she’d returned to work too soon warranted all-out war.
Between that and her roller-coaster appetite he was beginning to worry about her. One minute she was eating everything in sight, including his emergency chocolate stash he kept for those occasions they didn’t have time for a meal break. The next she was sitting staring at her rejected fry-up as though she was about to burst into tears at any second.
He hadn’t noticed until today how emotional she’d become, having taken her stoicism and ability to bounce back from any eventuality for granted. Caught up in the sorrow of his own break-up, he hadn’t seen past the front she’d been putting on since Gerry had died, accepting her assurances she was fine too easily. Probably because he didn’t want to over-analyse what had happened between them that night when she’d come to his place in a state about Gerry.
He’d been committed to his relationship with Janet, even if she hadn’t considered it a priority, but when Izzy had come to him seeking support and comfort, any thoughts of his ex had been obliterated by his all-consuming need for her. Once he’d tasted desire on her lips, all those suppressed feelings he’d apparently been harbouring for her had been tangled in there right along with their limbs and tongues. He never considered that she might’ve been down in those depths of despair all this time.
Yes, Janet had betrayed him in the worst possible way, stringing him along with that dream of his happy family, only to snatch it away for ever. It had been partly his fault, so desperate to set up a loving home like the one he’d grown up in he’d clung onto the wrong person, ignoring all her flaws in favour of the family he’d envisaged having with her. Now he was worried he’d taken advantage of Izzy when she was obviously still emotionally vulnerable.
They’d been close for years and that bond had irritated their partners at times, but they’d only crossed the line that night when their relationships had forcibly ended. Ever since they’d fallen into bed together he’d found it difficult to rein those feelings back in and pretend