Not this. I killed my brother! The realization was like a knife to my gut, a bullet to my brain. Cold. Hot. Pain. Remorse. I was bombarded from all directions. How could I do that?
How could you not? Lucy queried.
I coughed, still feeling the burn of stomach acid in my throat, and I blinked. Darkness was edging my consciousness. Lucy was stepping in.
Oh, God. Not again.
“Maisey? Hey, are you all right?”
Lucy froze. I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth, and blinked, then hastily brushed the tears off my cheeks before turning to look up at Caleb. God, how humiliating. He glanced up and down the beach.
“I was out for a walk when I saw you here on the beach,” he informed me. His momentary distraction gave me enough time to take a deep breath and try and regain some of my composure. I hadn’t expected to see him here. Hadn’t expected to see anyone here, or anyone to see me feed the fish with a very inelegant puke session. God, I needed Lucy. S.T.A.T. Sitting here on my weak and shaky knees, next to a puddle of bile... What would Lucy do? I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment, and let Lucy step in.
I tilted my head back, and Lucy chuckled with just the right amount of regret and derision. “It looks like I may have eaten a bad prawn last night. Or oyster.” Sarah and Warwick had put on a seafood feast last night that would have fed that little Thai village. Lucy grimaced good-naturedly, and I rose to my feet, ignoring the tremors and locking my knees to prevent me from falling down again. I brushed my hair back from my sweaty forehead, pushing it behind my ears and bringing it back to a semblance of control.
Caleb smiled with sympathy and passed me a bottle of water. “Oh, thanks,” Lucy responded warmly, and took a swig. I rolled it around in my mouth, trying to swish out any remaining bile, and then I leaned over and spat it out.
“Oh, wow, that’s so classy. Sorry, I probably look like shit.” Lucy chuckled, low and throaty.
Caleb shook his head. “Nah, Maisey, you look great—as always.”
Unbidden, a secret, adolescent thrill coursed through me, and Lucy laughed, head back, eyes sparkling and flirty. Despite the horror of my memories, despite the sickness I felt inside, I was able to brush that aside, with Lucy’s help, and surrender to this interlude with Caleb, my life preserver, the salvation of my sanity.
We walked in silence for a moment, our shoes making that soft squeaky sound on the wet sand. Calm washed over me, a soothing balm to my terror of a moment ago, and I let the rise and breach of the waves, the gentle breeze curling around us, the soft colors of a stunning sunrise, soothe my heart, my soul, my mind, and I let the seed of contentment flourish in me. Lucy stepped back. Leaving me with Caleb.
Caleb shoved his hands in the pockets of his shorts. “I miss you guys, you know?” His voice was low, husky. “Life just wasn’t the same after I left. The army—the army was so different,” he commented, and gave a chuckle, but his smile held a tinge of regret. “I really wish I hadn’t lost touch with you and Sarah.”
I nodded. “We missed you, too. When you were home...” I paused, then took a deep breath. “When you were home, those times were so good. I only have the fondest memories. It was special,” I admitted. “My favorite memories, really.” I smiled, although it felt a little wobbly, so I had to call on Lucy for help to keep me strong.
Don’t let me lose it.
Don’t worry. I’ve got you.
I still wanted to talk with Caleb, though, still wanted to be as real as I could allow myself to be, with anyone. Caleb knew me. Trust, unfamiliar, nearly forgotten, unfurled in me like a flower opening to the warm glow of the sun.
“So, tell me, what are you doing now?” I gestured to his leg.
He grimaced. “I’m slowly getting there. I was commissioned out of the army with this injury, so now I work in IT.”
“Computers?” I asked, impressed. “Wow. Smart guy. What exactly do you do?”
Caleb smiled. “I design and manage a number of websites for clients. Systems integration, that sort of stuff.” He shrugged. “It pays well enough.”
I glanced at the sand. “You bought Mom a house.”
He grinned. “There’s plenty of room if you ever want to visit.”
God. Lucy and I were both warring over feeling excited by the invitation, or horrified.
“Seriously, think about it. Do you have to rush off after Elliot’s christening? Why don’t you come visit for a while?” He leaned forward. “I promise to run interference between you and your mom if you need it.”
I hesitated.
Don’t do it, Lucy warned.
But it’s Caleb.
And your mother.
But it’s Caleb, I repeated. He knows me. And he’s dangling this carrot of a homecoming in front of me. My memories of Caleb are all positive. The one guy I could be completely honest with.
“When Mom went to prison, and you finished school and moved back home...” I shook my head. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t completely ready to trust him with what was going on inside my head. It was hard to do that, to let someone in after all these years of closing everyone out.
How do you think he’d feel about me?
Shut up, Lucy.
Or about what you did to Frankie.
I shook my head, then saw Caleb was watching me curiously. I ignored Lucy’s muttering in the background, and focused on Caleb. “It meant so much, being able to talk to you, to know there was someone there who had my back. You have no idea how important that was,” I said quietly.
What am I, chopped liver? I shook my head, pushing Lucy to the back of my mind.
“You know, it was the simple things that made such a huge difference.”
Caleb grimaced in self-derision. “I didn’t think I did that much.”
I chuckled. “Hey, you have no idea. Do you remember when we used to go to the movies, or the beach?” Like normal kids. It had been such a beautiful little escape, going out on these little excursions that got us out of the house and surrounded by people, as though it was a natural, regular thing to do.
Lucy’s smile’s broadened. “Oh, my God, I had the biggest crush on you.” Lucy giggled, a sound that so successfully melded self-deprecation and coquettishness that even I was impressed. Only Lucy had the courage to admit to something so deeply personal without embarrassment.
“What?” Caleb wrinkled his face in amused disbelief. “You had a crush on me?”
How could he not know that? How could he not see what a fantastic guy he was, how special? How I had trotted around after him, stars in my eyes.
“Of course, but I thought I was too young for you,” Lucy joked. I didn’t think that, but I told myself that’s the reason Sarah caught his attention, and not me. It made his oblivious rejection just a tinge more bearable. “I always hoped you and Sarah would marry actually.” I looked up at him from beneath my eyelashes, to catch his reaction. Did he still love my sister? Did he still pine for her?
Lucy kept the smile on my face, but it was hard, admitting that, thinking about that. Alice had been in prison, Frankie was dead and Caleb and Sarah were the only people I could really connect with—and they’d only had eyes for each other. We would go out to watch the latest movie at the local cinema, and I’d talk about the movie, but then catch them staring at each other, as though a wealth of meaning was being exchanged right under my nose, and I was clueless to it. Excluded. More and more, I began to feel like the third wheel, the hanger-on, the one who had to be tolerated when they’d actually prefer to be alone with