‘Did she now?’ Michael bent his knees and scooped up his nephew. Lily, meanwhile, was clearly of the more sensible disposition and saw the snow for what it was: cold and wet but pretty to look at it from inside. She had now climbed onto the bed and was sat beside me, playing with my hair.
‘You have pretty hair. I wish mine was longer.’
‘Well you’ll have to make do playing with Katie’s because I don’t have to deal with tantrums washing hers,’ Janey puffed out as she entered the room. I saw Michael’s eyes scan her face.
‘Everything all right? Why didn’t you call up? I can get whatever it is you need.’
‘Stop fretting Mikey. It’s good exercise. And I’ve done this twice before, don’t forget.’ When his face didn’t clear, she reached round and gave him a squeeze. ‘I won’t over do anything, I promise.’
He waited a beat and then squeezed her back with his free arm. ‘You’d better not.’
‘Is anyone else having any of this dinner or is it all for me?’ Patrick called up the stairs.
‘Me, me, me!’ Both the children cried.
Joey’s legs were wiggling to get down. Michael cuddled him a moment longer, leaning conspiratorially towards him as Janey redid the clip in Lily’s hair which was sliding downwards.
‘And no feeding Pilot anything this time,’ he whispered.
Joey looked at his uncle, their eyes level. He opened his mouth to say something and Michael did a tiny tilt of his head to stop him and shook his head, a smile on his face.
‘I mean it. He nearly gassed us up here earlier.’ His nephew giggled as Michael screwed up his face. ‘What’s on your plate goes in your tummy only, OK?’
‘OK.’
Janey turned around from finishing with Lily. ‘What are you two whispering about?’
Their innocent expressions matched perfectly as they both shrugged. Janey threw me a look.
‘Like I believe that.’
Michael put Joey down and both children ran off downstairs.
‘Hold the banister, please!’ Janey called after them.
I’d politely refused any dinner, the sandwich from earlier still filling me, and Janey and Michael left me to get some more rest. The door closed and I rolled onto my side, better to see the snow falling outside the window.
I dozed on and off but couldn’t sleep properly so after a while I got up and perched myself on the window ledge, surveying the neighbourhood as it turned white under the snow, and fairy lights began twinkling in the gloom of the afternoon. The door opened and Janey popped her head in.
‘Oh, you’re awake. I was just going to ask if you wanted anything.’
I opened my mouth.
‘Apart from to go home. If you’re all right tomorrow morning, Mikey’s said he’ll run you home. Until then, I’m keeping an eye on you.’
‘Janey I hope you don’t think I don’t appreciate everything, because I really do.’
She came and sat next to me on the wide windowsill. ‘I know you do. And you know, sometimes it’s OK to actually let people take care of you.’
I must have looked a little unconvinced because Janey took my hand. ‘It’s not showing weakness Katie. I know you didn’t have the choice growing up and it was all up to you – ’
‘Mum tried her best.’ Although I would get frustrated with Mum sometimes, my automatic reaction was still defence.
Janey didn’t take offence. ‘I’m sure she did. I’m just saying that, due to circumstances, things were different for you than they are for a lot of kids. You didn’t have anyone to turn to. You were the support when, really, it should have been the other way around. But it doesn’t have to be that way for ever.’
‘I’m not sure about that.’
‘Why do you say that?’
I leant my head against the window, watching the snow pile up in a drift against Janey’s back fence.
‘If I’m going to end up with people like Calum, then maybe I am just best on my own.’
‘So you’re going to write off all men as potential Calums?’ She gave me the same look I’d seen her give Lily a few weeks ago when she’d claimed to have had no idea where Janey’s new lipstick was. Unfortunately, the fact that, at that moment, Lily looked like a clown who’d put his make-up on whilst three sheets to the wind, and that the lipstick colour was remarkably similar to her mother’s new ‘Va-Va-Voom Red’ rather gave her away. Janey’s look categorically told Lily then, and me now, that what we were saying was rubbish.
‘No. But even you have to admit I’m not so good at this whole picking the right man lark.’
‘You have to let people in Katie. Some of the others might have been OK if you’d not kept them at arm’s length.’
‘When I finally took that advice, it still turned into a disaster.’
Janey sighed. ‘Admittedly, that wasn’t ideal. But that doesn’t mean the next man you open up to is going to be another Calum.’
‘Bearing in mind the second man I told about everything was your brother, and I was yelling at him when I did, then whilst I agree, he’s definitely not another Calum, it wasn’t exactly a warm and fuzzy moment either.’
‘Yeah, he did call to see if you’d come to us that night. He mentioned that you’d had a bit of a heated moment. I told him not to worry. Obviously I knew you were on edge about the Calum thing but I couldn’t tell Mikey that.’
I gave her a little smile.
‘OK. I couldn’t tell him about it at that point. It sort of slipped out later. I’m pregnant, you have to make allowances.’
I laughed. ‘You’re going to have to think of a new excuse once the baby comes, you know that, don’t you?’
‘Oh no, I’ve got a while with the “baby brain” excuse yet. Don’t worry.’ She grinned. ‘I am sorry about letting that slip with Mikey though. I honestly didn’t mean to. It just came out.’
‘It’s all right. I…sort of wanted him to know. We’d been getting on OK and then suddenly I was dodging questions. It felt like we’d taken a step backwards. But the circumstances…’
‘He understands now. But you mustn’t assume everyone will automatically think the worst of you.’
‘No. I know that now…’
‘It looks like there’s a “but” coming.’
Janey knew me too well.
‘But perhaps there’s a reason. Perhaps I’m just not made for all this.’ I waved my hand, encompassing Janey’s life. ‘Maybe the whole family home, husband, kids thing just isn’t meant for – ’
I stopped as my hand waving reached the half-open door and I saw Michael, hand raised, about to knock. An expression I couldn’t name fleeted across his face.
‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. The kids want to go outside, and Patrick sent me up for their snowsuits.’
Janey turned to me.
‘What you just said? Total bloody rubbish. You witnessed a bad marriage and had a crappy childhood.’
‘Janey.’ I tried to stop her, flicking my eyes to Michael.
She