‘Right lads,’ I said, closing the gate behind me and bending down to unclip each lead. Both dogs waited, eager. Clearly these two knew who was the leader of the pack in this instance. Or maybe they just knew that I had tasty sausage pieces in my pocket.
Dropping a tennis ball in the cup of the thrower, I flicked my arm back and then let the ball fly. Bonio and Pete took off immediately. I loaded another and let it go, the ball zooming over their heads and Pete peeled off to chase the second one. Their enthusiasm and sheer joy made me laugh as I watched them. Bending, I called to them, my voice full of encouragement as I clapped my gloved hands. They charged back towards me, each with a soggy tennis ball held proud. Wagging their tails, they plonked their bottoms down in the snow and waited for a treat and a cuddle. I dropped down and gave them both, revelling in the warmth they radiated. And, if I was honest, also in the sense of being wanted, of belonging, of the love that they filled me with. I knew exactly where I was with these animals. There were no games, no falsehoods, no pretending-everything-was-fine. It was one of the many reasons I loved the time I spent here. I knew exactly where I stood.
I sat on the train and gazed out of the window, watching the lights of the city grow closer. We pulled into the terminus and I stepped back out into the noise of the London station. I’d changed before leaving the rescue centre and now headed towards the Underground, bound for Covent Garden. I’d already got presents for Bernice, Mark and Janey and her family. They were really the only people I had to buy for, but I’d decided that perhaps a few little bits from Neal’s Yard might be nice to go with the experience vouchers I’d already got for the girls. And maybe something else, if it caught my eye.
Having spent over half an hour perusing all the goodies on offer, sniffing various pots and potions and making up two baskets worth of organic treats, I left the shop and wandered out into the alley that the company took its name from. I loved the colourfully painted walls and the bare brick facades with their bright window frames. Decorated for the season, it looked even more enticing and cosy than ever. White fairy lights entwined around a pair of doorway olive trees and a softly twinkling Christmas tree cast a soft glow in a shopfront window. I smiled at a couple apparently exploring the area for the first time, and the delight on their faces as they shared the experience, taking selfies galore. Moving on, I headed to the main part of the old marketplace, now decked out in all its Christmas finery. The huge tree shone bright and a street entertainer was making the crowd laugh with corny jokes as he proceeded with some sleight of hand. I watched for a few moments before heading inside to the old Apple Market, now filled with little boutiques. This year’s decoration theme was gold and silver and the decorations spanned the width of the roof. Giant bell-shaped lights ran down the centre with smaller versions fanning out to the edge.
Window shopping passed another half an hour until I found a little café and ensconced myself at a table. Nearby a string quartet were busking, the live music adding to the atmosphere as people stopped to watch and listen. My gaze drifted to the passing crowds and the others at the tables surrounding me; couples opening bags and pulling presents from them to show the other their purchase, families laughing and, occasionally, squabbling after a long day as everyone became tired. I loved this time of year – the lights, the decorations, the music. It made me happy. For the most part. Although my formative Christmas experiences might have put me off for life, I’d held on determinedly to the joy that the season was supposed to bring, and hoped that, one day, I’d find it.
I had to admit that it wasn’t always the easiest of tasks and just occasionally I floundered. A couple of years had seen me grab a last-minute break abroad to some sun-soaked spot instead, where I’d do nothing but read and sip drinks from glasses decorated with so much fruit I could get my five a day from one cocktail. The peace of the places I chose for those holidays helped shift the focus of the past, helped me not to think about the possibility that I might never actually get that perfect Christmas. That it was all just a mirage I’d created in my head. Perhaps nobody really got it. But that didn’t stop me wanting it. Deep down in my soul, away from the rational, organised me, the dreamer that I kept locked away still wanted it.
And this year there was a glimmer of hope. My normal levels of enthusiasm for the season had been heightened by Calum almost promising that we would definitely spend a few days together over the break. It would be the first time since we’d started dating that we’d be together for more than a few hours or one night. For once, it would actually feel like we were a couple.
I pulled out my phone and selected him from my contacts. It rang a couple of times before he picked up.
‘Hi.’
‘Hi babe. How are you?’ he asked.
‘OK thanks. I’m just at Covent Garden, having a mooch around. I was just wondering if you might want to come and join me? We could – ’
‘Babe I’d love to.’
My smile widened. I told myself off for prejudging him, having expected him to almost certainly say no.
‘But I’m kind of tied up with something at the moment. Maybe later?’
My hopes deflated. I’d discovered a while ago that when Calum said ‘maybe later’ it was generally code for ‘not a chance’.
‘OK,’ I said, unwilling to get into an argument about it right now. And who knew? Maybe this time he would surprise me.
‘How long will you be there?’
‘I’m not sure. I hadn’t really decided.’
‘Well, tell you what. I’ll send you a text when I’m on my way. In the meantime, you just get on and do what you need to.’
‘Sure. Sounds like a plan.’
In all likelihood a plan for him not to turn up, but a plan all the same.
‘OK babe. Gotta go. I’ll see you later, hopefully.’
‘See you later.’
I placed the phone on the table so that I would hear it if and when Calum texted. As I did so the waiter approached, holding a menu. I’d originally only planned to have a hot chocolate and maybe a slice of cake, but suddenly I wanted to extend the warm feeling of being wrapped up in Christmas. I took the menu and chose a meal and a glass of wine. Eating alone had never bothered me - It certainly wasn’t a new experience. The waiter returned a few minutes later with my drink. I sat watching the Christmas world go by and sipped my wine.
Over an hour later, having soaked up the atmosphere, eaten and paid, I gathered my bags and shopping and picked up my phone from the table. There was no text from Calum.
***
‘Oh she was so happy!’ Bernice enthused as I put the drink down on her desk. ‘She couldn’t believe that just organising her home would make such an impact on her life. It’s incredible the difference in her. She’s so much more pulled together now and we rediscovered all these beautiful clothes that she hadn’t worn for years and she’s started wearing them again. There’s just this air of confidence and happiness about her now. It’s wonderful! So different from the woman I met on the first consultation. Aren’t these just gorgeous?’ Bernice finished arranging the blooms that her client had sent her back with and looked around for a suitable place to put the vase. Not the easiest of tasks. The office wasn’t large and I had to admit I may have gone a tad overboard with the Christmas decorations, so that it now had the distinct appearance of an elves’ grotto rather than an office. But hey, it was only once a year and it was my office, and Bernice was all for it. On top of that, it made us happy, which trumped everything. Bernice shuffled a stuffed snowman to the side to make room for the flowers and stood back to admire them.
‘They’re lovely Bernice. I’m so glad she was happy.