She grimaced. ‘I do trust you. I’m simply not sure that I can trust myself. It is a sordid tale, which does not cast me in a good light. I fear your good opinion of me will be destroyed if I tell it.’
‘My good opinion of you is based on my knowledge of you as I have come to know you, Stephanie. Your past cannot change that.’
‘Do you really believe that? My past has shaped me. I thought I had left it behind, but it followed me here. I want to be rid of it, but my mistakes continue to haunt me. The best I can do is ensure I don’t repeat them.’
* * *
Her words made Rafiq shiver. They could have been his. Would he be similarly haunted for ever by his past? It was unthinkable. He was sure that the mule’s survival was a portent. The fates were no longer colluding against him. Stephanie had turned them in his favour.
He turned on the cushions to face her. ‘I think you are quite mistaken,’ he said firmly. ‘The door can be closed on the past. When we have atoned for our mistakes, then their shadow no longer stalks us.’
‘You think so?’
‘I am certain of it,’ he said in a tone that brooked no argument. ‘Now, tell me about the ghost that haunts you.’
She took a deep breath, clearly bracing herself. ‘His name was—is Captain Rupert Thornhill of the Seventh Hussars. My father’s regiment.’ Stephanie rolled her eyes. ‘My first error of judgement. He joined the Seventh two years ago. The Thornhills are a very old, established English aristocratic family. Rupert was—is rich, very well connected. My second error of judgement. He is also very dashing and charming, hugely popular, and exceedingly good looking.’ Stephanie’s smile was twisted. ‘My worst error of judgement was to believe that such a man would choose me. I was dazzled and I was very flattered. I allowed my heart to rule my head—something I never do. I believed myself in love.’
Rafiq fought his rising anger. He could imagine the man, paying well-practised court to her, wooing her. And Stephanie, naïve despite her years following the drum, falling for it. With difficulty, he kept silent.
She continued, her tone making it clear that she blamed herself, making him even more furious. ‘I know I’m not a catch. I have no pedigree, I have no dowry, and I am not a beauty, so when Rupert said he loved me, I believed him. I thought that he—he loved me, because there could be no other reason. I was such a gullible little fool.’
She pushed her hair back from her brow, tucking it behind her ear. ‘He told me we would be married, that there would be no harm in anticipating our vows.’
‘He seduced you.’
Stephanie hesitated. ‘I wish I could say that was so, but the truth is he did not. I thought I was in love. I wanted to please the man I thought I was to marry, but I also wanted—’ She broke off, shrugging awkwardly. ‘I wanted what no respectable woman should want. But it seems I am not at all respectable, because you make me feel exactly that way.’
‘Stephanie, there is nothing shameful in desire.’
‘Oh, Rafiq, perhaps not for men. Or hussies. I knew it was wrong, but that didn’t stop me. If only I had known—I thought it would be magical,’ she said sardonically. ‘Rupert did not seem at all disappointed, but I was. Fortunately it was over very quickly. Or so I thought.’
She took a long drink of pomegranate juice, steeling herself. Rafiq had a horrible premonition of what was to come. No wonder Stephanie found it difficult to trust him. She set the glass down. ‘I knew Rupert had a reputation for never refusing a challenge, that he must always succeed where others failed. I never thought he would see me as a prize, but it seems I was. By simple dint of my having failed to respond to any overtures from any officer in the past, by refusing to accept the improper proposals made to every single female who followed the drum as a matter of course, by protecting my reputation, I was challenging their manhood,’ she said disgustedly. ‘Rupert succeeded because he didn’t make me an improper proposal. Rupert pretended to fall in love with me.’
Rafiq was too angry to speak. Stephanie was too engrossed in her sorry tale to notice. ‘You see now, just how much of a fool I was?’ she continued, her voice bitter. ‘Such a man would never marry me, and I was the only person in the regiment to think he would. When he boasted openly of his conquest, the gulf which separated our families made it easy for them all to conclude that I was a woman of easy virtue.’
Her eyes were bright, not with tears but with anger and with defiance. Her fists were clenched. ‘It is so unfair. My reputation was ruined, while Rupert was slapped on the back. I was a fallen woman, whereas he was...’
‘...an accomplished seducer without honour or scruples,’ Rafiq exclaimed, unable to hold his tongue any longer.
‘That makes it worse! I pride myself on my logic, my powers of deduction, the soundness of my judgement, yet I abandoned all three.’
‘The man lied and cheated to steal your innocence. He deserves to be whipped. There can be no excuses for what he did, Stephanie. You are not at fault.’ Rafiq cursed under his breath. ‘Your parents must have—Your father...’
‘Papa was...’ Her anger fled. Her lip trembled. Her eyes filled with tears. ‘What it did to Papa...that was the worst of it.’
‘Stephanie...’
She held up her hand, shaking her head. ‘Please.’ She took a shaky breath, dabbed at her eyes, and continued, her voice tremulous, her words tumbling over each other, for she was anxious to be done. ‘Afterwards, when I asked Rupert when we were to be married, he laughed in my face. Surely I could not possibly have believed that a blue-blooded Thornhill would wed a farrier’s daughter? Well, I had, though I see now that it was preposterous. As a prince, you would probably agree with Rupert on that score.’
Rafiq could not deny it, so ingrained was the notion of bloodlines, of pure ancestry to him, though the knowledge made him deeply uncomfortable. ‘Nevertheless,’ he said through gritted teeth, ‘he made you false promises, and in doing so he dishonoured the very heritage he claims to have been trying to protect.’
Stephanie pushed her hair away from her brow once again. There were no traces of tears in her eyes now. ‘When I threatened to tell the truth regarding his bogus marriage proposal, in order to protect what little was left of my soiled reputation, he warned me that if I dared to do so, he would see to it that my father lost his position. Rupert was not Papa’s direct superior officer, but he wielded significant influence within the regiment. Like many of his ilk and, unlike Papa, he had purchased his commission, achieved his rank through a combination of wealth and privilege. They all attended school together, their families socialised together, they were all related to each other in some way—what chance would Papa have, Rafiq, no matter how brilliant he is, if they closed ranks against him?’
Stephanie scrunched her eyes closed, bunched her fists tighter. ‘Papa’s life has been serving the army. He is so proud of his position, I could not risk him losing everything he has worked for.’
‘So instead, you exiled yourself from the life that had been yours too, and from your family? That is why you have spent the last year at a stud farm?’
‘I had to. The shame, the scandal, the dishonour, it was mine, not theirs. I had no choice but to leave. Papa was not easily persuaded, he was so very angry, but Mama—oh, Mama could see clearly enough that any attempt to avenge me would simply result in more scandal, more gossip, that it was best for all of us that I get as far away from the scene of my crime as possible. And so eventually, Papa agreed.’
‘You committed no crime, Stephanie.’
‘Oh, but I did. My lack of judgement was a heinous crime. If it were only myself who bore the shame, it would not be quite so bad, but my parents—when I think of what they have suffered on my account—that is what has kept me awake at night this last year. That, and a determination