‘What do we do now?’ Melanie sat up and stretched her aching neck. ‘I don’t like the thought of leaving her alone.’
‘Looks like Tabitha’s ready for a well-earned rest.’ Forde stood up and pulled her to her feet. ‘You get off to bed and I’ll sleep with one eye open down here.’
Melanie looked at her husband. This had to come from her. She knew that. ‘Or you could carry the basket upstairs and put it near the radiator in the bedroom so we could be on hand if she needs us? We could take some milk and food up with us and put it near the basket in case she’s hungry in the night.’
Forde looked at her, a look with a deep searching question colouring it.
‘I—I don’t want to sleep alone for one more night,’ she whispered. ‘I was wrong about so many things, Forde. I knew that deep down, I guess, but seeing Miriam allowed everything to be brought into the light of day, all the doubts and fears. I—I want us to be together, not just for Christmas but for the rest of our lives and—’
She didn’t get any further before she was lifted right off her feet and into his arms. He kissed her as if there were no tomorrow and she kissed him back in the same way, clinging to him so tightly he could hardly breathe.
Setting her down after a long minute, he drew her over to the sofa and then sat her on his lap. ‘Are you sure?’ he said softly. ‘That all the doubts and fears are gone, I mean?’
He deserved the truth. She touched his face with the side of her palm. ‘I want to be,’ she said honestly. ‘And I know myself so much better now, but I guess to some extent I’m still a work in progress. I was so scared tonight, with Tabitha.’
‘Nell, so was I. That’s natural.’ He kissed her hard on her lips. ‘It goes hand in hand with love, the worry and the fear that you’ll lose the beloved. It’s the other side of the coin, I suppose. But the best side makes it worth coping with the flip side—know what I mean?’ He kissed her again. ‘And most of the time the best side is uppermost. You had a rough start to life and you developed a defence mechanism to keep people at arm’s length so you couldn’t be hurt and you couldn’t hurt them. I understand that. And then I came along and everything changed. If things had been different with Matthew you would still have had to face the fact, sooner or later, that you needed to unearth some of the issues you’d buried way deep inside. But it would have happened slowly, more naturally.’
‘But the miscarriage did happen. Matthew died.’ It still hurt as much as ever to stay it and she wondered if that would ever change. But the nature of the grief had changed subtly over the last weeks. It was still as intense but more bearable because the crucifying guilt had gone. She could mourn her perfect, exquisite little boy without feeling she had to punish herself every second of every day.
‘Yes, he died.’ There was a wealth of emotion in Forde’s voice. ‘And there will always be regrets, especially because with an accident of that nature there are so many ifs and buts in hindsight. You aren’t the only one who blamed yourself. I knew you weren’t too good that day. I could have stayed home with you. What does work matter compared to you and our son? And Janet had her own self-reproaches too. She wished she’d stayed with you while you ate and then brought the tray down, but none of us knew.’
Melanie nodded. How many times had she longed to turn back the clock until the morning of the accident so she could have done things differently? Too many to count. She had relived every minute of that fateful morning until she’d thought she was losing her mind. It had to stop. Once and for all, it had to stop. She had to be strong for this baby and for Forde, and for Matthew too. He had a right to be remembered with passionate love and devotion, and, yes, with a certain amount of pain too, but the memory of her precious baby son had been in danger of being marred and destroyed by her corrosive guilt.
‘He was so beautiful,’ she whispered through her tears.
‘And so tiny.’ Forde’s voice was husky. ‘He weighed nothing at all in my arms.’
She rested her forehead against his as their tears mingled, but for the first time since Matthew had died they were healing tears. After a long time when they just held each other close, she said softly, ‘I love you. I have always loved you and I always will. I want you to know that. You are the other part of me, the better part.’
‘Never that.’ He kissed her fiercely. ‘You are perfect in every way to me, never forget that. And I will never hurt you, Nell. I might get it wrong at times, I might even drive you crazy now and again but I will never hurt you. We will have our children—’ he rested his hand on her stomach for a moment ‘—and grandchildren too, God willing, and grow old together. How does that sound?’
‘Pretty good.’ She smiled dreamily at him but then her stomach spoilt the moment by rumbling so loudly that Forde chuckled. ‘I can’t help it,’ she protested. ‘I haven’t eaten for hours and I’m hungry again.’
‘How about if you go and get ready for bed and I’ll bring us up some supper?’ Forde suggested. ‘And tomorrow we have a lazy morning. Breakfast in bed, maybe even lunch in bed.’
‘You missed out elevenses.’
‘That too.’ He grinned at her, feeling slightly lightheaded that the last nightmarish months were over. He had come here this afternoon with no expectations beyond that they might share a meal together before he drove home. He’d hoped, of course. Hoped that Melanie seeing Miriam might have made a difference, that with the baby coming she would see it had two parents who loved each other and shouldn’t be apart, but he hadn’t known how long it would take before she conquered her gremlins. But it was Christmas after all, a time of miracles …
They ate a hodgepodge of a supper, which Forde brought up on a tray for them to share after he’d installed Tabitha and her kittens by the bedroom radiator in the basket. Wedges of bread from a crusty loaf, slices of fragrant ham, some of the canapés and cheeses he’d bought and slivers of the pork pie, and a couple of enormous pieces of Christmas cake. Curled up close to him in her bed with the snow falling thickly outside and Tabitha fast asleep in the basket, her kittens snuggled into their mother’s warm fur, Melanie thought it was the best meal she had ever had.
Afterwards, sated and replete, they made love again, slowly and sensually, the earlier urgency gone. She went to sleep lying in his arms as he held her close to his heart, feeling she wanted this night to last for ever. In a few hours her life had changed beyond recognition, and she had felt closer to Forde as they had made love than she had ever done in the past. Maybe it was because they had come through the fiery trial and were the stronger for it, she thought drowsily, or perhaps for the first time she had met him as an equal partner in her mind and emotions and had kept nothing back. Her guard was lowered and her defences were down, and because of that she could set aside every inhibition.
She opened her eyes one last time to check on Tabitha and the kittens, smiling as she saw three tiny shapes busy feeding. Now the kittens’ fur was dry it had fluffed up and they actually looked like baby cats. One appeared to have lighter colouring than the other two but as the room was dimly lit it was hard to see them in the half-light. But all three seemed to be doing well, although, of course, it was early days.
They had to live, she told herself, shutting her eyes and nestling into Forde’s body warmth. Tabitha had been remarkable and so brave. After all she’d gone through the little cat had to have the satisfaction of rearing her babies.
She already knew she was going to keep Tabitha and all three kittens. Their house in Kingston upon Thames