Jake had turned up and was sitting at the bar watching Everton getting slaughtered, as usual. Grace pottered about around him. Nathan watched them both from his vantage point. The closeness they shared was clear enough for a blind man to see. The way Jake looked at his mum every time someone scored – either to convey his joy or dismay. And the way Grace smiled at him, reassuring him everything would always be okay. Nathan had always been envious of their bond. He’d sometimes felt like a voyeur intruding on their happiness. Always standing on the side-lines and never truly one of them. He’d wanted to be. He’d tried to be one of them. Especially after Jake was born; he’d really tried to change. But the pull of his other life had always been too strong. He missed the adulation, the respect, the look in someone’s eyes when they knew they were beaten.
He loved them both more than he’d ever loved anyone. They were the only family he’d ever known. At the age of thirteen, he’d promised himself he’d never let anyone have that sort of power over him again. But ever since he’d met Grace, he’d been besotted by her. He loved her so much, sometimes it felt like he couldn’t breathe without her, and he’d gone and forgotten his most important rule.
Then Grace fell pregnant and it was game over. He’d never wanted kids. That was until she’d told him they were going to have one anyway. If there was anyone he would have chosen to have a baby with, it was her. She was everything a mum should be: warm, caring, and fortunately for him, forgiving. She was an amazing mum, he could never deny that. She had given their son the best home a child could ask for. Not like his own slut of a mother who had never given him any of those things. She’d left him to fend for himself most of the time and was more interested in the various men that drifted in and out of her life than she ever was in Nathan. He was never a priority, never first choice. He always felt like he was in the way. Her greatest regret – that’s what she always told him anyway.
Social services took him away from her when he was eight and she didn’t even try and stop them. Nathan told everyone, even Grace, that she’d died. The truth was, he had absolutely no idea where she was. She probably was dead anyway, her body ruined by years of alcohol and drug abuse.
Nathan never knew his father and, apparently, he didn’t even know his son existed. His mother would never tell Nathan who he was, and claimed she didn’t know, but he never believed her. He always fantasized that his dad would find out about him one day and would rescue him from his miserable life. But of course, his father never came, and Nathan learned that the only person who could rescue him was himself. Only he could pull himself out of the stench and the ugliness he was born into. Shake off the dirt and the shame that were the shackles of his childhood and become something better.
What was it about Grace? He’d always been able to have any woman he wanted. Why could she get to him the way no one else ever could? He used to ask himself those questions all the time. But now he knew. It was the way she made him feel. The way she looked at him like he was the most incredible person in the world. She saw through his suit of armour to the monster beneath and she’d still loved him. She made him feel safe. She was home.
Seeing her and Jake together gave him a hollow feeling in his chest. It didn’t matter how many people were around him, or claimed to be loyal to him, to love him even. When he saw Grace and Jake together, it made him feel more alone than he ever had in his life. It reminded him of the nights he’d spent at home, abandoned, as a small child, waiting for his mother to return. Sometimes it was hours, sometimes days before she came back to him.
Grace and Jake were his family. He belonged with them. He already had Jake believing he was the best dad in the world. His next step was to convince Grace to take him back again. He would make it happen if it was the last thing he did. Whether she wanted to or not. After all, it was her fault that he’d ended up on the path he had. There was a time he was so close to a different life. He had it all planned out. It was just within his grasp. Then he gave it all up – for her. Everything was always for her. Even if she didn’t know it.
Twenty Years Earlier
Nathan lay awake staring at the ceiling, listening to the soothing rhythm of Grace’s steady breathing. Despite putting a twelve-hour shift in earlier, which made all of his limbs ache in a way they never had before, he couldn’t sleep. He could never switch off like Grace did. Within minutes of her head hitting the pillow she was out like a light, but he lay awake for hours. He’d never been a great sleeper; the constant nightmares had seen to that. But this was something else. A nervous energy that kept his mind racing.
He smiled as he remembered a tale he’d told a few of the regulars in the pub earlier, which had ended in Morris the handbag laughing so hard he almost choked, bitter running out of his nose, and old Mick having to run to the gents before he pissed himself. Nathan always had a gag or a funny story to amuse them with, and they lapped it up. They said he was the best thing to have happened to the place in a long time. Now that his name was above the door, people looked at him differently. He was someone. He could refuse to serve any one of them simply because he wanted to. He could throw any of them out on their arse if they even looked at him the wrong way.
Working for Tommy McNulty wasn’t panning out quite as he’d expected. He hated being the new kid. Some days he felt like a glorified errand boy and he was tired of it. Maybe that was why he’d always preferred to work alone? No need to impress anyone. No requirement to ‘fit in’. Of course, he was always needed when something was about to kick off, but he knew he wasn’t being let anywhere near the real danger – or the real money. He was never invited to the quiet little meetings at Tommy’s club, or the after-hours drinking sessions when the good whisky came out.
Of course, there was a certain kudos that came with being associated with someone like Tommy, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that his boss was either waiting for him to prove himself – or to fuck up, and Nathan didn’t have the patience to wait and see which one happened first.
Maybe he’d just keep managing the bar? Tell Tommy that Grace needed him there and he just didn’t have time for anything else. Could he do that? Just walk away from Tommy McNulty? Surely the fact that it was to manage the Rose and Crown and look after Grace would make Tommy more amenable to the situation, given Tommy’s connection to Grace’s dad. A connection that Grace was entirely unaware of and one that Tommy insisted she would never find out about.
Yes, his mind was made up. Tomorrow he was going to talk to Tommy. Thank him for the opportunity he’d given him but tell him that he couldn’t do it anymore. He was going to concentrate on being the landlord of the pub. He had loads of ideas to bring in more business. Live bands. Maybe some food? Quiz nights. He laughed quietly as he turned to bury his head in the pillow. Nathan Conlon going legit. Who’d have thought it?
Tommy McNulty handed Kenny the glass of Scotch he’d just poured. Kenny Lennox had been his right-hand man since his best mate, Patrick Carter, had got sent down for a twelve stretch. Kenny had been with him since the beginning, but the sad truth was that, at the age of forty, Kenny was already past it. One too many run-ins with a fist or a baseball bat, and on one occasion a crow-bar, had left him with a dodgy knee and a bad shoulder. He’d never been the brightest bulb in any case, but the repeated blows to the head had left him with little in the way of the old grey matter. It was only a matter of time before Kenny was replaced by a younger, stronger model. And Tommy knew exactly who that man would be. He’d been grooming the lad ever since he’d met him.
‘So he’s gone to sort the daft prick out on his own then. Boss?’ Kenny asked as he took a seat on the chair opposite Tommy’s desk.
Tommy nodded. ‘Yeah. He’ll be fine. Have you seen the lad in a scrap? He can