She raised her eyebrows. ‘Turning the question back to me? How very neat.’
He felt himself grit his teeth and forced his jaw to relax. ‘I don’t want to fight.’
She let out a shuddering sigh and shook her head, her hair tumbling about her shoulders once more. The sunlight caught gleaming strands of gold and amber amid the deep chestnut brown. ‘I don’t want to fight, either,’ she said quietly. ‘But I can’t …’ She trailed off, biting her lip, and Ammar felt everything in him freeze.
‘Can’t what?’
She just shook her head and looked away, and Ammar thought, I’m losing her. I’m not sure I ever really had her, but what I might have had I’m losing now.
He felt as if he couldn’t breathe, as if he were suffocating in his own silence. He didn’t know what to say. What words she needed to hear.
The truth.
The answer was so simple, so blindingly obvious, and so awful. He didn’t want to tell her the truth. He couldn’t stand being so vulnerable, so utterly exposed, and having her look at him in hatred or pity or even revulsion—
She let out a soft, sorrowful sigh and rose from the rock. ‘Let’s go back,’ she said without looking at him and Ammar clenched his fists.
‘Wait.’
She stopped, looked at him over her shoulder, her eyes dark and wide. Waiting, just as he’d asked. Ammar took a deep breath. He closed his eyes, summoned what strength he could. ‘I can’t,’ he said, and she stared.
‘Can’t what?’
The same question he’d asked her, and she hadn’t answered. Neither could he. He felt as if his soul were being scraped raw, his skin peeled away. He hated this. ‘I want you, you know that, physically, but … when we … something happens …’ He stopped, a vein beating in his temple, a familiar fury longing to cloak him with its protection. No. Anger was a cover-up for fear. He had to see this through.
Her eyes widened, her mouth parting softly. ‘What …’ She moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue. ‘What are you saying?’
Where to begin? He stared at her, the softness of her hair and the fullness of her lips, the perfect creamy innocence of her, and he had no idea what to say. How to start. ‘My life has been very different from yours,’ he said flatly, and her gaze flew to his, clearly startled.
‘Tell me,’ she said quietly, and he let out a shuddering breath. No excuses now, even if talking about this was the worst form of torture. It brought every memory and fear to the fore, made him feel afresh the raw humiliation and helpless anger he’d felt before, as a boy. He sure as hell didn’t want to feel that with Noelle.
‘Ammar,’ she said, and his name sounded, strangely, like an affirmation, an encouragement. He could do this. With her, he could do this.
‘I told you about my father. How he had … very definite ideas about what a son, a man, should be.’ She nodded, alert and listening. ‘Everything was a lesson with him, a way to learn.’ He saw her frown, just faintly, and knew she didn’t really understand. How could she? He knew he could give her details, examples—horrible, painful examples—but he didn’t want to tell her about how his father had broken every belief about love he’d ever had, broken him. He didn’t want to gain her pity along with her understanding. He couldn’t bear that. No, he’d just cut to the relevant part. The part about Leila.
‘There was a maid in my father’s house,’ he began, ‘on Alhaja. She was very pretty, but more than that, she … she seemed kind. When …’ his throat closed up and he swallowed hard ‘… when things had been particularly difficult for me, she always offered a kind word. Listened to me, not that I ever said much. I suppose I saw her as a friend at first, but more than that.’ Even now he remembered how he’d talked to her, clumsily, honestly, baring his heart in a way he hadn’t since … even if he’d wanted to. Even if Noelle had made him want to. ‘I suppose,’ he said, his voice so low he wasn’t even sure if Noelle could hear him, ‘I began to think I loved her.’
Noelle said nothing. She looked pale, her eyes wide, her lips pressed together. ‘What happened?’ she finally asked, and Ammar realised he had stopped speaking.
‘She seduced me. I was fourteen years old; I’d never even touched a woman that way. And my father … my father had paid her to do it all—the kindness, the smiles and, of course, the seduction. And then—’ He stopped, hating that he had to tell this part of the sordid tale. ‘When we … when we were going to … she rejected me. Told me she was only pretending to be interested in me because my father had paid her to teach me a lesson.’
Noelle drew back. ‘A lesson?’
‘Everything was a lesson with him,’ Ammar said flatly. ‘A means to an end, a way to mould me into the shape he deemed fit.’
‘And what lesson,’ she asked after a moment, her voice shaking, ‘was that maid?’
‘Never trust a woman, or become close to her. Never show weakness.’ He recited the mantras in a monotone; he could almost hear his father’s harsh voice repeating the words.
‘That’s terrible,’ Noelle said quietly. Ammar said nothing. He agreed with her, but what difference did it make? What difference did telling her make, if he couldn’t change after all? ‘And so,’ she continued slowly, ‘that’s what this is about? You don’t trust me?’
‘I haven’t trusted anyone,’ Ammar said. ‘I haven’t let anyone close, except for you.’ And every time he tried to be close with her, as physically close as he so desperately wanted to be, his mind froze and the memories took over. So he went blank, just as he’d done as a boy, a child, because that was what he did. That was how he survived. It was simple, really. Basic psychology. Yet understanding what he did—and why—didn’t make it any easier to stop. No matter how much he wanted to.
Noelle was silent for a long moment, her head bowed, her hair covering her face. He wished he could see her expression, her eyes. ‘Do I remind you of that maid?’ she asked finally, and he heard the hurt in her voice. ‘Do I look like her or something?’
Ammar sighed, the sound one of both resignation and impatience. ‘Not at all. I’ve never …’ He hesitated, his hands instinctively curling into fists. Noelle looked up, waiting. ‘I’ve never felt about anyone what I feel for you.’
‘Even that maid?’
‘Even her.’
She was silent for a long moment. ‘And on our wedding night?’ she finally asked. ‘And in the hotel two months later? Were you … did you feel this way then?’
Ammar let out a shuddering breath. ‘Yes—’
‘So you didn’t just mean to let me go?’ She sounded sad, but he heard the accusation.
‘It was complicated,’ he said tightly.
‘Oh, Ammar—’
‘No more questions,’ he snapped, and she blinked, looked down. Damn. He wasn’t handling this right but, God help him, how was he supposed to handle it? He felt as if he had just shed every defence, every protection, and it was horrible, all the old scabbed wounds were being ripped open, raw and bleeding. He had to fight the urge to either attack or retreat, not just stand here and take it. Listen to her questions and even answer them. ‘We’ve talked about this enough.’
‘Have we?’
Impatience bit at him. ‘Noelle, I’ve told you more about my past, about myself, than I have to another living soul. And every word is like a drop of blood.’ He forced himself to speak calmly. ‘Could we just take a break from this conversation? For a little while?’ She said nothing and he let out a long, slow