She shook her head, refusing to believe so simplistic, so ridiculous an explanation. ‘But you never said anything, Ammar. You … you acted as though you couldn’t bear to be with me for a single second.’ Just the memory made her throat tighten and she blinked hard.
‘That wasn’t the case.’
‘And I’m supposed to believe that?’
‘It’s the truth.’
She shook her head so hard her vision blurred. ‘No. You’re rewriting history, Ammar, or maybe you’re lying—’
‘I am not,’ Ammar said coldly, ‘lying.’
‘How am I supposed to believe any of that?’ Noelle burst out. ‘How am I supposed to believe you were actually doing me a favour when you treated me like you hated me?’
Ammar’s mouth tightened. ‘I’ve had enough of this conversation.’
‘Well, I haven’t—’
‘All you need to know—’ he cut across her ‘—is that I realised it wasn’t going to work, and I meant to let you go.’
‘Let me go? That’s your version of events? Because it sure as hell is different from mine. You weren’t letting me go, Ammar, you were letting me down.’ Her throat ached and her eyes stung even as anger blazed through her. ‘So, just like that, you were willing to give up on our marriage, on me, without even a word of explanation, before we’d even begun?’ It hurt, even now. Especially now, because somehow the truth was worse than anything Noelle could have imagined. It made the loss and grief fresh again, and so very raw.
‘I wasn’t giving up on you,’ Ammar said quietly. ‘I was giving up on me.’
She stared at him, his words seeming to echo through her. She could find no hint in his expressionless face as to what he’d felt then—and what he felt now. ‘What do you mean?’
Another long silence. Ammar’s face looked as if it had been harshly hewn from stone. ‘I knew I couldn’t be the husband you deserved.’
She forced herself to ignore the ache his words—and the quiet, sad tone in which he said them—gave her. ‘Why not?’ Ammar’s expression closed down, if that were even possible. It wasn’t as if he’d been an open book to begin with. It wasn’t, Noelle reflected bitterly, as if he’d been open about anything at all. ‘I still feel like I don’t understand anything,’ she said, her voice caught between exasperation and something darker and far more alarming. It shouldn’t even matter now, the reasons why, and yet Noelle knew from the misery swamping her, the heartache that felt as if it were rending her right in two, that it did. It mattered far too much.
‘I realised I’d been fooling myself,’ Ammar said flatly, ‘all along. It wouldn’t work between us and I didn’t want to drag you down. That’s why I walked away.’
His words fell into the taut stillness. ‘And you just happened to decide that, right after we got married?’ Noelle struggled to hold onto her anger instead of giving into the desolation that threatened to sweep right through her. ‘You couldn’t have figured that out before? You couldn’t have told me, talked to me—’
‘What’s done is done,’ Ammar said flatly, and Noelle let out a choked cry that sounded far too like a sob.
‘But it isn’t done for me, Ammar. It’s never been done. Why else would I be here demanding answers? Why would you even want me to be here? And how has it changed now? How have you changed?’ His jaw tightened. He said nothing. ‘Is it different?’ she demanded. ‘Why do you think a marriage between us could work now, when you didn’t think it could before?’ She took a step towards him, her fists clenched. She felt so angry, ridiculously angry, considering what ancient history this was. Should be. ‘You’re not telling me the truth, are you? Not the whole truth.’
‘I’m telling you enough.’
‘By whose say-so? All I know is that you changed your mind and so you abandoned me. Well, guess what, Ammar. I knew that before.’
‘It wasn’t like that, Noelle.’ For the first time he raised his voice and anger flashed in his eyes like lightning.
‘It felt like that.’ She let out a ragged breath, felt tears sting her eyes. ‘It took me years to get over our marriage, Ammar, to get over you, and all because you couldn’t bother to tell me what was really going on. You still can’t.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He took a breath, let it out slowly. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again, and even though his voice was flat and hard she knew he meant it.
‘Why?’ she whispered. ‘Why, really?’
‘I was living in a dream world, those days with you,’ Ammar said quietly. ‘And on our wedding night, I woke up.’
‘How?’
He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
It did matter, of course it did, but this time Noelle didn’t press. Her anger had deserted her, leaving her as emotionally exposed as she’d been that horrible night in the hotel, when he’d thrust her away from him.
Ammar still looked completely expressionless, stony and blank, and belatedly she realised she had tears running down her face. Perfect. So much for being strong and independent, needing no one. Twenty-four hours with Ammar and she was a pathetic mess. He still hadn’t spoken, hadn’t even moved, and Noelle had no idea what he was thinking. She felt more confused than ever before. With a revealingly loud sniff, she turned on her heel and walked quickly out of the garden.
Unfortunately there wasn’t anywhere to go except back up to her bedroom. She couldn’t exactly take a stroll through the Sahara. She paced the room, alternating between anger and desolation, until finally, exhausted, she fell onto her bed and cried in earnest, her tears muffled by the pillow. It felt good to cry, a needed release, and yet she still hated that she was crying about Ammar, a decade after their marriage had ended. Did you ever really move on? Time was supposed to heal all wounds, but the ones on her heart felt as red and raw as the scar on Ammar’s face.
Eventually she fell into a restless doze and when she woke the setting sun was casting long shadows on the floor of her room and someone was knocking on her door.
She struggled up, swiping her tangled hair away from her face. ‘Yes?’ she called, her voice sounding croaky.
‘Dinner is served, mademoiselle.’
Noelle didn’t recognise the woman’s voice, but she assumed she was some kind of household staff. So she and Ammar weren’t alone here. ‘Thank you,’ she called, and rose from the bed.
What now? she wondered dully. What would she say to Ammar when she saw him again? How would she even manage to keep herself together? She still had forty-eight hours to endure in this desert prison. Two days left with Ammar.
As she changed into a pale blue linen sheath—again too big, so she cinched it with a wide belt—his words, his tone, even the sombre expression on his face all came back in a heart-rending wave of anguish.
I wasn’t giving up on you. I was giving up on me. I knew I couldn’t be the husband you deserved.
Noelle sank onto a cushioned stool in front of the dressing table and dropped her face into her hands. She wasn’t angry any more, she realised with a pang of regret. Anger was easier, but now she felt only an overwhelming sadness for what had been … and what hadn’t been. What could have been, if only Ammar had been honest with her back when they’d been married.
Are you sure about that? a voice in her head, sly and insidious, mocked. Do you really want to know why he thought he couldn’t be a husband to you, the kind of husband you deserved?
Did