There were mumbles of agreement and a couple of members went on to share their experiences of juggling relationships with their late partners’ families, but once the subject had reached its natural conclusion, Tara turned to April and Nick.
‘And how have you both been since the last meeting?’
Of the two, Faith expected Nick to speak up, but he simply nodded for April to go first. To Faith’s surprise, his encouragement worked.
‘I’ve been better,’ April replied. ‘I’m still trying to work out how I feel and how I want to feel, if that makes sense?’
‘That’s the one thing you learn fast here,’ Nadiya said. ‘What you’re going through might sound confusing, alarming or downright weird to other people, but to us it’s normal. You’re not alone.’
‘I’m starting to realise that,’ April said. She glanced across to Faith when she added, ‘It’s a relief to know I don’t have to keep all my thoughts locked away, although I’m not quite ready to tell everyone everything.’
‘You can be selective,’ Faith said. ‘We all are.’
April pulled at her T-shirt. ‘It’s like when people ask if I’ve watched the final season of Game of Thrones yet and I feel stupid explaining why I can’t. Jason and I always watched it together, and I’m so angry that he died before the finale aired. I can’t watch it without him.’
The chair next to Faith squeaked as Justine straightened up. ‘Anger is perfectly natural, April,’ she said. ‘It’s one of the five stages of grief that we all process over time.’
‘Oh, please, not this,’ Faith muttered.
‘Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance,’ Justine recited.
‘Not that everyone experiences grief in such nice, neat stages,’ Tara said diplomatically. Like Faith, she questioned the efficacy of applying that particular grief model like a Band-Aid.
‘Of course not,’ Justine said. ‘Some people don’t experience every stage, or not necessarily in that order, and it’s perfectly normal to go back and forth between the stages.’
‘Or to put it another way,’ Faith said, ‘you’ll experience a lot of different emotions to greater or lesser degrees and at random times. Some days you might go through all five stages at once, or is it seven now, I lose track?’
‘The stages are helpful to some people,’ Justine insisted.
‘I’m sure they are,’ Faith said through gritted teeth, ‘but for others it can be downright distressing, especially when someone with all the best intentions tells them that they should be at this particular stage or another. We are where we are. There’s no road map.’
‘Some of us seem to have become stuck on the anger stage,’ Justine said, jutting out her chin.
‘I have a lot to be angry about, Justine. Derek didn’t need to die.’
‘But at some point you have to move past that stage.’
‘And move on to bargaining? Give me a break.’
Unlike Justine, Faith’s understanding of the psychology of grief hadn’t come from a Sunday magazine supplement; in fact, she had read extensively on the subject. Returning to April, she said, ‘Did you know that the five-stage grief model was originally developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross after observing terminally ill patients? She expanded it later to include other types of loss but even she noted that popular culture had misunderstood her theory. The stages aren’t supposed to be linear or predictable, if they exist at all.’
‘I have heard quite a few people mention the stages I’m supposed to go through.’
‘Yeah, Mrs Do-goody down the road and the bloke who delivers the newspapers,’ Faith said.
She turned her head and was about to give Justine her best withering look when Nick caught her eye. She couldn’t tell if the spark in his eyes was fear or admiration. After taking a breath, Faith released it with a sigh. ‘Maybe I am holding on to my anger, but sometimes that’s what gets me through the day. All I’m saying is that theories are made to be disproved and there are scientists better qualified than me to offer alternative grief models.’
‘There’s one based on continuing bonds,’ Tara said, her soft voice adding balm to the discussion. ‘It’s where we redefine our relationship with our loved one, finding ways to keep them with us by allowing their influences to play a part in our new lives. There’s no end stage, no point where we have to find closure and put the past behind us. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, wondering if there’s a way for Lily and Molly to keep Joanna and Mike as a part of our new family.’
‘I can understand how Lily must feel having to move home,’ said Faith. ‘My beautiful house is the strongest connection I have with Derek, but if we’re talking about continuing bonds, his legacy goes far beyond the materialistic trappings of life. It broke my heart when I took the decision to withdraw his life support, but I made the right choice when I agreed to donate his organs. It comforts me to know four people are alive today because of him.’
‘I talk to my wife’s photo all the time and ask her advice,’ Steve said. ‘I can feel her pushing me out the door when all I want to do is lock myself away. It’s why I managed to drag myself here in the first place.’
‘And Justine and I would never have set up the group if it wasn’t for Mike and Lisa,’ Tara added. ‘Our paths have all taken a turn we never expected, but when we do something to challenge ourselves, it’s nice to be able to glance over our shoulders and say thank you, I did that because of you.’
‘Erin’s death devastated me.’ Nick was staring at the floor so he didn’t see every face turn in his direction. ‘After she died, I completely shut down,’ he continued. ‘I lost everything and that might have been her legacy, but she deserved better from me. She always did.’ He tried to continue but his voice caught in his throat. ‘Sorry.’
Justine reached over to touch his hand. ‘I’m sure Erin would be proud of you for being here.’
Nick straightened up as Justine pulled her hand away. ‘Actually, she’d probably tell me to man up. She said that a lot.’
‘That won’t do you any good here, mate,’ Steve told him. ‘It’s the one place where you don’t have to hide your feelings.’
‘I think that was part of the problem, but I’m happy to report I’ve been turning things around,’ Nick replied. ‘After losing my job, I put on loads of weight to the point where people stopped recognising me. Then I realised it was the one part of my life I could control, so I hit the gym and literally worked out my frustrations.’
‘I’ve tried working out,’ April said, ‘but I can’t say it made me feel any better.’
‘Give it time,’ Nick said. ‘I was lifting weights when I had this lightbulb moment about starting a limo business. I invested every last penny into it and, touch wood, it’s going well.’
‘As are you,’ Jodie said.
‘I have my moments. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to pull over so I can bawl my eyes out. But just in case anyone’s thinking of using my services, I don’t usually break down when I have passengers in the back.’
‘Letting loose my emotions while driving is my speciality,’ Steve admitted. ‘I have two teenage lads and the last thing they want to see is me snivelling.’
‘Thankfully, I don’t have kids,’ replied Nick, ‘but respect to those who have to deal with someone else’s grief as well as their own.’
When