But it was all there, right in front of them. The acknowledgment of paternity, the DNA test and the agreement that April would have full custody along with a certain amount of financial support from Leon.
“I know what we agreed,” April said, speaking slowly. “But I find that I’m unable to take care of her. More than that, I don’t want to. I thought it would be worth it. Especially with all the money you are paying me, but I just can’t. I waited for some...maternal instinct to kick in. Something that would overwhelm me and change me. I’m not changed,” she said, sounding sad. Flat. “I could hire nannies, you’ve given me enough money for that but... I wanted better for her. I’m going to give her up for adoption. But I felt like I needed to speak to you first. I’m willing to sign over all of my parental rights to you.”
“She will of course continue to collect a stipend,” the lawyer added.
“Of course,” Rose said, her tone brittle.
“Yes,” Leon said, his tone slightly more sincere, “of course.”
“If everything is in order then, Mr. Carides, we are happy to relinquish baby Isabella into your custody.”
For a moment, Rose wanted to stand up and shout. She wanted to say no. To send the child out somewhere else, anywhere else but into her home. It wasn’t fair. They were making a life together, her and Leon. They were trying to make their marriage work. She was the one that was supposed to have his children. Not someone else. His DNA wasn’t supposed to combine with another woman’s to make something so beautiful. It should be with hers. This should be her baby.
She wanted to rail against him. To rail against all of this.
And yet when she looked at the sleeping little girl all she could feel was sadness. It wasn’t Isabella’s fault that her mother couldn’t take care of her. It wasn’t her fault that her father had been careless. It wasn’t her fault that her father had a wife who felt personally wounded by this indiscretion.
All of the adults in the room had made choices. Rose had chosen to marry Leon. Leon had chosen to sleep with April. April had chosen Leon even knowing he was married. Only Isabella had made no choices.
And no matter how angry she felt, she could feel no anger at the baby. Not really.
“Of course I want her,” Leon said, his voice breaking.
He didn’t ask Rose what she wanted. But then, she could hardly blame him. This was his child. His flesh and blood. How could she ask him to do anything but take her into his home? And how could he ever leave the decision up to anyone else? He couldn’t. She understood that.
She was still angry.
But she said nothing. She said nothing at all while Leon and April signed the paperwork. Paperwork that didn’t include Rose, because why would it? She wasn’t a parent to this child. She was only Leon’s wife. Why would she matter at all?
“Thank you,” April said, her tone hushed. “This isn’t my proudest moment.”
Rose didn’t care at all about the other woman’s pride. She found herself short on sympathy.
Leon did not seem to suffer a similar affliction. “You’re doing what you think is best,” he said. “You should be proud of that.”
The other woman tilted her head. “You seem different,” April said. “Not that we know each other all that well.”
“I stopped drinking,” he said, his tone grave.
“Maybe that’s it.”
Then April turned her focus to Rose. And Rose really wished she hadn’t. Rose would rather disappear into the ornate wood paneling on the wall. She wanted to hate the other woman. But when she saw the exhaustion in her eyes, a deep sadness that her flippant I don’t want this tried to disguise, she simply couldn’t. “I’m sorry,” April said, her words directed at Rose.
“There isn’t anything to be sorry for,” Rose said, surprised by the fact that she meant them at least a little bit. “Leon has to answer for his own actions—you don’t. You didn’t make vows to me.”
“Well, I think he was trying to keep all of this away from you. But I didn’t feel right about putting her up for adoption without...”
“I understand. I’m glad that you came to us.” She wasn’t sure it was true. But it was the right thing to say.
Without another word, April and her lawyer walked out of the office. April didn’t look back again, not at Leon, not at Rose, and not at the child that was still safely buckled up in her car seat.
Rose felt like a small pink bomb had been detonated in the middle of them. They had been making things work. Things had been changing. Things had been different. But the simple fact was that no matter whether or not Leon could remember the past, the past existed. It was so tempting to believe that a clean slate was possible. That because his memories were changed, his actions had, as well. But this was incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.
“We don’t have any supplies for a baby,” Leon said finally, breaking the silence between them.
“That’s what you’re going to lead with?” Rose asked, hearing in her tone the fragile nature of her mental state.
“What do you want me to say? I have no memory of any of this. Obviously I knew about the child, Rose—I signed those documents. That is my signature. I signed away the rights to my child.”
“A child you had with another woman during our marriage.”
“Yes,” he said, his tone fierce. “Though it is no surprise to you that I was sleeping with other women.”
“It does surprise me,” she said, her voice rising along with the hysteria in her breast, “that you had a child with someone else. That’s quite the secret to keep.”
“I find I am more distressed by the fact that I clearly wanted nothing to do with Isabella.”
“Well, I imagine you wanted to avoid this scenario.”
“What kind of man does that?” Leon asked. “What kind of man pays a woman off to keep a child out of his life?”
“You,” Rose said, not caring if she was cruel. Not caring if her words cut. “Apparently you do.”
“I’m starting to think I know nothing about myself at all,” he said, his voice hollow.
But she didn’t feel sorry for him. She refused.
“The feeling is mutual,” she said.
Rose turned on her heel and stormed out of the office, doing what she knew was about the cruelest thing she could. She left Leon alone with his thoughts. And with his child.
* * *
Leon stared down at the sleeping baby in the car seat, emotions rolling through him like storm clouds, pressure building inside him. Who was he? What sort of man kept his wife ensconced in a manor house in the country, leaving her a virgin for two years while he lived his life as though she didn’t exist?
What sort of man brought a baby into the world and wrote an agreement making it completely clear he never wanted to see her?
He gathered from the paperwork that he had never set eyes on his daughter. He gathered he hadn’t even known the gender of the child.
Weariness stole through him, and a darkness rolled through him like clouds covering the sky.
What did you do when you found out you were a monster? Because he had to be a monster. There was no other explanation. Real men did not abandon their children like this.