6th February.
Hadn’t heard from Katie since last week so I rang to make sure she was all right. Almost wish I hadn’t bothered. Ended up feeling even more guilty than normal about not being there for her.
She did nothing but moan at me for five minutes about living in the same house as Samantha. Hates it. Told her it’s Ben she needs to talk to, not me, as there’s nothing I can do from down here. Can’t even tell her it will get better because the chances are it won’t. Weeks will turn into months, life will go on but whether the situation will improve is debatable.
‘Perhaps you ought to see if you can find a place of your own,’ I suggested. ‘Just until the end of the year when I return. I’ll be getting somewhere big enough for the two of us then.’
‘That’s ten months away,’ Katie snapped. ‘You should be here now.’
Before I could respond, she’d hung up. Hadn’t even asked me how I was.
In dire need of talking to somebody who might care the teeniest bit about me, I phoned Bella. Another mistake. Unlike Katie she was bubbly and cheerful – but couldn’t stop telling me about how well her new job was going, all the contacts she was making and how much fun her new life was.
It was a good ten minutes before she finally asked, ‘How’s life down on the Riviera then? Met any sexy Frenchmen? How’s Jacques?’
‘Oh you know. Life’s a beach down here. Jacques is still in lust. Asks about you every time I see him. Me? I’m still looking to meet that sexy Frenchman,’ I said, not wanting to admit to Bella how miserable I felt when she obviously didn’t really care. Couldn’t believe how insensitive she was being, gloating about her life to me when I don’t have one.
8th February.
Couldn’t stop crying today for some reason. Must pull myself together. Just got to get on with things. After all, I’m not the first woman to have been dumped for a newer model. Or to have family problems. Going to take the camera and go out for a walk along the bord de mer. Breathe in some sea air. Take a few photos.
10th February.
Saw Eliosa today. She’s arranging aperitifs for the twenty-sixth so that’s something to look forward to.
15th February.
Seem to have got into the habit of popping into Jacques’ bar in the early evening and having a glass or two of rosé with him. Helps to pass the time.
25th February.
Wish I knew what people wear to aperitif parties in France. Dressy? Casual? Come as you are? No, definitely not the last. I don’t know Eliosa very well but I do recognise her as someone who always makes an effort to look her best. Remembering her offer of finding me a French lover, I’m more than a little apprehensive about tomorrow evening. I just hope none of her male friends have been primed to offer their services. At least the invitation is for seven o’clock not five o’clock.
26th February.
Thankfully all the men, with one exception, at Eliosa’s tonight had their femmes firmly attached to their sides like limpets, determined to keep them from so much as clinking glasses with this strange, on her own, English woman. This, despite the fact that they were all, with the one exception, well into their seventies. Alone I might be, but desperate I’m not.
The lone exception made no effort to socialise with me and stood clutching his pink champagne, staring moodily out to sea.
‘Zat is my nephew Nino,’ Eliosa said. ‘The family ask him to look out for me when he is here.’ She shook her head. ‘He is not good dictionary for you. He is all at sea.’
Nino clearly had the ears of a hawk because he turned at her words and made his way over to us. ‘Merci for the champagne Tante Eliosa. Duty calls. Look after yourself.’ He kissed her goodbye, gave me a brief smile and left. Shame really. At least he was in the right age group.
‘All at sea?’ I asked Eliosa.
‘He is the capitane of a yacht. At sea more than ashore,’ she said.
I’d asked Jacques what the etiquette was with aperitif parties and he’d reckoned one should stay no longer than an hour, so at eight I said goodbye to everyone, thanked Eliosa and returned to my own apartment across the landing.
Standing out on my tiny balcony watching the rest of the world living their lives, it hit me again how completely alone I am in a foreign country. The evenings are the loneliest. It’s fine to do daytime activities like shopping or going to a conversation class alone – but evenings are different.
Evenings are for couples to stroll along hand-in-hand, enjoying each other’s company, pointing out things of interest, relaxing, meeting up with other couples.
What the hell am I doing down here? I could be back home planning a spa weekend away with Bella. Enjoying some retail therapy with Katie. I’d probably have found myself a new job and a new home by now and be busy settling in and getting it to my liking. Instead I’m down here… “Mrs Bertha No Mates”. A life with no real purpose.
I watched the lights twinkling along the shoreline as traffic wove its way along the bord de mer, to-ing and fro-ing between Cannes or Cap d’Antibes. It might only be February but the pavement restaurants had plenty of customers enjoying meals and wine under the warmth of industrial gas heaters. People were out there living their lives. People with friends. People with a purpose.
I grabbed my jacket and went out, determined to lose myself in all that action. Become a part of the scene to another casual onlooker.
27th February.
Usually the only bar or cafe I go to is Jacques’, but last night I wasn’t up to being continually questioned about Bella. Honestly, he’s obsessed. Even got me to post a Valentine’s card for him. He wanted her address really but I wasn’t sure about that, so I offered to post it for him. I won’t think about the fact that La Poste didn’t deliver any Valentine’s cards for me this year. Can’t think why.
I walked past Jacques’ cafe and made for the other end of Juan. Found an empty table at a bistro opposite the Casino entrance, treated myself to a carafe of house red and settled down to watch the comings and goings of the glamorous twenty-first century Gatsby set. And boy, weren’t they glamorous.
Luxury cars, designer clad women – well girls mainly – clutching the arms of tuxedo wearing men. Didn’t spot any celebrities – maybe need to go to Cannes or Monaco for that, but it was a fun people-watching session.
Walking back to the apartment an hour or so later I felt better. More energised and focused on making my life down here work. Window shopping in the various designer boutiques that line the main street of Juan-les-Pins, I saw an advert for a part-time assistant for the season in one of them. Part-time would be fine for me so I’m thinking of applying. Working would put some routine and purpose into my life.
Worrying about Katie and the Ben situation isn’t going to solve anything. She’s twenty, currently at college and living her own life. Once she’s finished college this summer and gets a job she’ll want her own place anyway. She’s very unlikely to want to live with me when I get back and buy somewhere.
Haven’t done any of the exploring I promised myself I would do yet, so Friday I’m going to take a train ride along the coast to Italy and go to the market in Ventimiglia. I’m told it’s the market to go to down here. Might even indulge in some proper retail therapy, rather than just window shopping.
Thank God February is a short month. With a bit of luck things will start to perk up during March, especially when we get to Easter.
Whatever you call it – having a gap year, or doing a Shirley Valentine – it’s turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. But then Shirley Valentine was fiction and