His face is white.
‘You’ve got a postcard,’ he says. ‘From Chloe Brown.’
The peanut butter jar drops from my hand.
‘Josh, let me see.’
He hands me the postcard, wide-eyed.
Yes, there’s the name. Chloe Brown. Printed clearly, so there’s no mistaking it. The message just says: ‘See you soon.’
I turn over to the picture. It’s a small boy, on a bike. My stomach twists. I flip back to the name again. And that’s when I see. There’s a stamp, but no postmark. Where the postmark should be, it’s written: ‘By hand.’
‘Mum, I don’t think it was really the postman. I think it was …’ He trails off.
We both know who it was. And that Josh isn’t safe.
TWO WEEKS EARLIER
This is me. I should probably stop telling myself this now. But those old habits, they’re tricky to shake, right?
Brush brush brush. This is me. Brush brush brush. Jen Sutton. Maybe I should focus on my teeth a bit more, less on the life reminders. Perhaps that would stop the hygienist telling me off – ‘You must brush near the gum, Ms Sutton. See how easily I can make your teeth bleed.’ If she knew how much trouble it had taken to register for that surgery, the time I had to wait, the rigmarole … Well, perhaps she wouldn’t be so gleeful when the blood oozes out. Just give me and Josh a sticker and get on with it.
‘Mum!’ There’s a yell from outside the bathroom. ‘Where’s my swimming stuff?’
Oh shit. Of course. Tuesday. Swimming.
Spit the toothpaste into the sink and jam my toothbrush into the jar next to Josh’s. Another win for the plaque.
‘I’ll just get it, sweetie!’
Quickly spritz on some scent. Then: swimming stuff, swimming stuff … I could berate Josh, tell him he should have reminded me, that he’s old enough now to sort it out for himself. But no. I’m not being that mother. Josh will feel secure and loved and nurtured always. And him being ten now, all it means is, ten years since … Well obviously. Then.
The woman I try not to think about.
Deep breath. It’s OK. She can’t get us here.
‘Mum! Are you coming?’
OK. Focus on the now. I think I washed the swim kit. Pretty sure I washed it.
‘Mum, you have got it, haven’t you? We’re going to be late. I’ve got to see Chris about the trains before the bell.’
‘It’s OK, I’ll give you a lift.’ Maybe he can explain what he means about trains when we’re in the car. Probably something else I’ve got to make. Sorry – help him make.
I take the opportunity to ruffle his hair as I come level with him – it looks so adorably curly this morning. Josh rolls his eyes at me and ducks slightly. ‘You always give me a lift. I don’t know why you pretend I might cycle there one day – on my own, shock horror!’
The search for the swimming trunks and towel (and oh, crap – goggles!) stops momentarily. Since when were ten-year-olds so wise? Does he see right through me? That every day there is some kind of excuse why I have to run him to school, not let him walk or ride the fifteen minutes with his friends?
But he doesn’t know why. It’s fine. That’s key. If he thinks I’m mad or overprotective or scatty, I’m OK with that. Normal boring-mum annoyance. Nothing more. And I love the routine. Every second spent with my son, at home, in the car. Why would I give that up? Even if spending time with him were the only factor.
I poke my head into Josh’s room, hoping (dreading) I might see a still-festering swim kit curled up on the floor.
Nope.
‘Mum, if I’m not there he’ll give the trains to someone else! Come on!’
Ah, sounds like I don’t need to make the trains then. Good.
‘It’s all right, Josh. Don’t panic.’
Living room/kitchen – sorry, studio area. No sign of towels or trunks.
Oh, hold on – there. What’s that on the radiator behind the sofa?
Trunks. Half off the radiator. Half dry. And therefore half wet. Damn it.
‘Right, here we go, Josh; there are your trunks. Let’s find the rest.’
‘But they’re wet!’
‘And so will you be when you get into the pool. Try not to worry. Three, two, one – goggles search!’
And we run round the flat waving our arms above our heads shouting, ‘Goggles, goggles, goggles!’ I’ve taught him that the best way to look for something that’s hiding in plain sight is just to shout as loud as you can. It’s sure to lure it out. Plus we have fun.
It works. A giggling Josh returns with goggles. I find a bag and a slightly damp towel hanging off the bike in the hall. Not perfect, but it will do.
We’re out the door, into the car, on our way. Josh gushes about why getting the spare Lego train that his friend has will be so life-changing. I didn’t even know spare Lego was a thing. But then, Josh at ten is so different from me at ten. Thank God. As often as I dare, I flick a glance at him in the rear-view mirror. His face is so beautiful. The cutest little freckle – just one – on his cheek. And how did his eyes get so brown? Like two lovely shiny conkers, when he’s happy. Which is most of the time.
I give what I hope is an imperceptible sigh of relief. I’ve done it for another morning. I’ve created an environment where the biggest crisis is some damp trunks, and I’m now ferrying him to a safe place where he has friends. With spare Lego. It must be within me, this mothering. Because I sure as hell didn’t get a good example. Examples. All those ‘mothers’. Just not the one I needed.
Anyway, look – school gates.
‘Look, look, there’s Chris, and he’s got the train!’
‘Have a nice day, Joshy!’
‘Mum, it’s Josh at school, OK – I’m ten, you know!’
But he returns my kiss before he jumps out of the car. I watch him as he runs up to a similarly aged boy, and they stand in serious, private conversation, like a couple of dealers. The goods swap hands. Someone honks a horn behind me. I’m double-parked again. But let them honk. If they knew, they would understand.
And now, to work. Again, a blessing. Because really, who’d have thought it?
There’s a little car park in the courtyard behind our office. I was so pleased when I found that out. I didn’t know, when I came to interview. I had to get the bus. I couldn’t stand it. Waiting at the bus stop, I felt so vulnerable. Had I really left Chloe behind? What if one of Mick’s men spotted me?
Once the bus arrived, I would head straight for the back so that no one could sit behind me. Then I’d worry it would mean I couldn’t get off the bus quickly if someone saw me (proper me). So I’d dart from seat to seat. Bus driver must have thought I was mad. I thought I was mad. That it was all too much. They did tell me, when it all started, ‘You might find this a struggle.’ Masters of understatement.
So, yeah, it’s good there’s a car park. Good I was able to negotiate a car (not from work, from the other lot).
I check my make-up in the flip-down mirror. Good.