Laurel grimaced at the hopeful surprise in Alexa’s voice. Even though she often called Russ a devil to work for, she didn’t like hearing someone else label him. Above everything, he was a very dedicated and wonderful doctor.
“You must not know anything about Russ going to work for the Chaparral,” Laurel replied.
“What?”
“Dr. Hollister is taking a position on the Chaparral. You haven’t talked with Quint about this?”
“We’ve discussed the issue of getting a resident vet for the ranch for some time now. And I was in total agreement with my brother when he said Russ was a candidate. But I left the details of hiring up to him. He’s the expert and I trust him implicitly to pick the right person for the job.”
“Oh. Well, that right person appears to be Russ.”
“Hmm. That’s great news.”
“Great news?” Laurel quickly blurted the question. “You just called the man a taskmaster.”
“Yes. But I couldn’t count the times you’ve told me how wonderful he is with animals. That’s the kind of vet the Chaparral needs, and clearly my brother thinks so, too.” After a thoughtful pause, she went on, “Oh, I see where you’re going with this now. The clinic. He’ll no longer be running it.”
Laurel felt sick with uncertainty. “He’s selling the place. A new vet is taking over soon—a Dr. Brennan from Alamogordo.”
“So you’ll be working for this new person?”
Closing her eyes, Laurel stuttered, “I—uh—no. I don’t think so. Russ seems to think the man is bringing his own staff with him.”
“Oh, Laurel,” Alexa groaned. “I’m so sorry about this. I know how much you’ve poured your heart and soul into that place. Dear God, you must be devastated over this development. But surely you can get hired on at another veterinary office somewhere in or near Ruidoso.”
Laurel swallowed. “Actually, I already have a job offer. Russ wants me to accompany him to the Chaparral. He says that Quint is willing to hire me, too. When Russ first told me this I thought you’d done some finagling to get me a job. But now it’s clear that you’re not involved.”
Her friend was quiet for so long that Laurel finally asked, “Are you still there, Alexa?”
“Sorry. I was just thinking what a smart brother I have.”
“But Alexa, I’m not sure about any of this! Russ says the ranch will supply my housing. Can you imagine me living all the way out there? In the wilds?”
Alexa chuckled. “Why not? It’s where I lived for years, and I turned out to be a reasonably sane person. Although Jonas might disagree about that sometimes,” she added jokingly of her husband.
As if on cue, Laurel could hear a child’s loud squeal in the background and then the tap, tap of running footsteps followed by more shouts and squeals.
“Hang on, Laurel. I’ve got to put down the phone.”
While Alexa was away from the phone, Laurel imagined her disciplining her small son and daughter with a firm but loving hand. Just the way a child should be handled, she thought, as loss and regret stabbed her deep.
Years ago, she and her twin had both dreamed and planned, like most young girls their age, of growing up and having babies of their own. But that had been before Lainey came down with a blood disease. That had been before she and her twin had been deserted by their mother and neglected by a weak-willed father. Now Lainey was dead and Laurel’s dreams of having a family of her own had died along with her.
“Sorry, Laurel,” Alexa said when she finally returned to the phone. “The kids were playing tag in the house. I shooed them outside.”
“Don’t apologize. I need to let you go.”
“Not before you tell me what you plan to do about your job.”
Laurel sighed. “I’m not sure—oh, God, Alexa, maybe I should use this opportunity to move on and work for someone else.”
After a long pause, Alexa said thoughtfully, “I couldn’t count the times you’ve told me that you’d like to wring Dr. Hollister’s neck. On the other hand, you clearly admire him. If not, you wouldn’t have worked for him this long.”
“Five years and counting,” Laurel said dully. “And now—it’s either follow him or end everything.”
Silent moments passed before Alexa finally said, “Sounds to me like you’re talking about a personal relationship instead of a working one.”
A hot flush swept over Laurel’s face and she thanked God that her friend couldn’t see her. “Look, Alexa, outside of work, Russ doesn’t know I exist.”
“You’re young and attractive,” Alexa argued. “You could change that if you wanted to.”
“That’s just the point. I don’t want to change anything. I want things to stay just as they are.”
“You have all the ingredients to be a good wife and mother. Instead you want to cling to the past, to believe you’re unworthy of anyone’s love.”
“I don’t expect you to understand what I’ve gone through with my family. And it’s too complicated to explain. But when Lainey became ill, I lost everything—even my childhood. I can’t deal with more losing. If I move on to another job, I’ll forget Russ. And in the end that would be better for both of us.”
“Would it?”
Laurel closed her eyes. “At least I’ll never be hurt.”
“You’ll never really live, either.”
“If I didn’t love you, I’d slam this phone down and never speak to you again,” Laurel said in a low, strained voice. “But I do love you. Even though you don’t understand me.”
“Okay, Laurel, let’s make this simple. Do you like working with Russ and believe your job is worthwhile?”
Laurel groaned as the conflicting emotions inside her continued to battle back and forth. “I need to decide if I’m going to move on or simply hang on?”
“Why bother?” Alexa asked with annoyance. “You’re not going to let yourself get involved, so working with Dr. Hollister is the safest place you can be.”
Safe? Laurel never felt safe when she was around Russ. He was a constant pull on her heartstrings, a constant reminder of how lonely she’d become. “That’s so crazy it almost makes sense.”
Alexa chuckled. “Grandfather Abe gave me my brains. But don’t tell him I said so.”
Later, after the two women had said goodbye, Laurel walked to her bedroom where a photo of her and Lainey sat on a dressing table. The two girls were standing in front of the family Christmas tree, dressed identically in jeans and red sweaters, with reindeer antlers on their heads. They were hugging each other close, their smiles full of childish, ten-year-olds’ giggles.
At that time, the two girls had been happy, normal sisters, swapping clothes and whispering about boys. Four years later, Lainey’s death had shattered Laurel’s world, and for years afterward, she’d believed she would never feel much about anything or anyone. She’d finished high school, gone through college and even tried to date and pretend to have all the basic needs and wants of a normal young woman. But she’d only been going through the motions. Then she’d gone to work for Russ, and slowly everything began to change. She’d began to feel again, to want and dream again. But along with those wonderful feelings had come doubts and fears.
Oh, Lainey. If you were here now, maybe I would be a stronger woman. Maybe I’d have the courage and confidence to reach out for the things my heart really longs for.