Almost three weeks had passed since Rosa’s death. Rosa, who’d been so full of life and joy and excitement, who had been just a mere twenty-three years old, and who had died suddenly, tragically, in her apartment, three doors down from Laurie.
Many an enjoyable evening had been spent in Rosa’s company. Until she’d grown to know Rosa as a friend, Laurie had always wondered how such a young girl could afford to live in the expensive selection of apartments. It turned out that Rosa had taken up a position nannying the two young children of a very wealthy family, working full-time and even being called upon over the weekends. It was clear to see that Rosa was comfortable in her life, and loved what she did for a living, and that the wages, despite Laurie having never asked as she thought it rude, were apparently enough to keep her living in the apartment down the hall.
Laurie had lost count of the nights she’d assumed she’d be spending alone, when Neil had stayed late at work, only to be jolted from her miserable thoughts, while sprawled out on the sofa, by the sound of Rosa knocking at the door. ‘Alone again?’ Rosa would ask with her pretty face tilted to the side sweetly. ‘Why don’t you come round? I have wine. We can order pizza from Mama Jo’s?’ It never took much to persuade Laurie to agree. Within minutes, she’d have her phone and purse at hand, and would be following Rosa down the hall, chatting and laughing as if she herself were still a happy, carefree twenty-something. In reality, she’d just stepped into her thirties, but Rosa always managed to make her feel like she, too, could be excitable and bubbly. Stress would disappear immediately, along with any worries and troubles that Laurie had accumulated throughout the day, as soon as she found herself in Rosa’s company. The young woman had been a splash of violet in an otherwise grey world without even realising it.
So, it had been a severe shock to Laurie’s system when she’d hurried into the lobby of the apartment block and found members of Rosa’s family crowding around, sniffing into tissues and comforting each other. What had been even more disturbing were the numerous policemen and paramedics moving amid the family, taking notes, asking questions, serious expressions telling Laurie that something bad had happened to her friend.
She’d wanted to ask, but the lobby had been absolutely heaving with sorrow and grief, suffocating almost, so much so that she’d felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She’d hurried along and kept her head down, then thrown herself through her apartment door. She’d been notified later on, by one of the officers who’d been called to the scene, that Rosa had been the victim of a hidden heart defect, one that hadn’t been picked up on previously. Neil had been working late, yet again, and so she’d spent the night crying into the kitchen table by herself, grieving for the death of a beautiful young woman who’d had no idea how much she’d brightened Laurie’s life, how much fresh air she’d breathed into it. They’d talked often, or rather Laurie had listened often, of Rosa’s plans for the future. With twinkly eyes, she’d told Laurie of how she would fall in love, marry the man of her dreams, have three children and a big, beautiful home in the countryside. She’d also been full of excitement when she’d pulled Laurie into her apartment one night and shown her the text messages she’d been receiving from a guy she’d met on a night out. ‘He’s so dreamy, Laurie!’ Rosa had enthused with jewel-like, blue eyes. ‘I catch him staring at me and I … Well, I can’t help staring back.’
Laurie smiled sadly at the memory then sagged against the seat. A heavy sigh escaped despite her best efforts to hold it in. She was mentally and physically exhausted, had been since the funeral, and for some odd reason, she couldn’t shake the sensation of feeling out of place.
Afternoon rainfall pattered against the window rhythmically, and through the glass a grey sky glared back at her. She thought about the day she’d had, how she’d left work early, complaining she hadn’t felt well. Brian, her boss, had believed her, as she very rarely took time off. He’d agreed right away, preferring her to get herself sorted and back to work sooner rather than later.
The truth was, she was fine physically, and a GP wouldn’t have been able to pick up on the way she was feeling inside with his doctor apparatus anyway. She needed a psychologist or a therapist perhaps, someone who dealt well with emotions and expertly understood them. Someone she could talk to and who would help her splay her thoughts and feelings out, like photographs across a table, so that she could then reassemble them in a coherent order rather than the jumbled, confusing mess they were in now.
A restlessness had overcome her and it was a feeling that went far beyond anything physical, so much more than a few aches and pains. It was a restlessness that had settled deep within her bones. It was making it increasingly difficult, near impossible as each day dragged by, to be passionate about the life that she was living.
Laurie was questioning everything about herself and her life. Was it worth it any more? Was driving herself into the ground to make everyone else happy worth the tiredness and the stress? She hadn’t minded it before now, going through the motions just for the sake of it. She had an easy life really, one which she knew like the back of her hand. But now? After seeing Rosa be laid to rest in the ground, along with all her hopes and plans and dreams for the future she’d wanted so desperately? Well, life was too short, wasn’t it? It was too short to just settle.
It was surprising nobody had noticed she was faking the passion for her job before now, including herself, considering she’d never actually wanted to become a solicitor. After much pushing and pressuring from her mother, a young Laurie had felt like she’d had no choice in the matter. As soon as she’d reached that point where making choices about her future had come into focus, she’d had absolutely no idea of which direction she wanted to go in, which was when her mother had helpfully stepped in and completely taken over, bombarding her with option after option. She supposed she should have been grateful really, her mother making all of those tough decisions for her, and she had been at the time.
There was nothing about the profession that appealed to her. When Laurie looked back now, she realised what a monumental mistake she’d made in handing over her future to her mother. Nowadays, Laurie caught up with Marnie Chapman only when it was necessary. In the spaces between their conversations, her mother had a grand old time boasting to all of her flower-arranging friends about her eldest daughter, who worked in the city as a bigshot solicitor and who was living the dream.
With a twist to her gut, Laurie conceded that she was living a life she didn’t even want, and with everything that had happened with Rosa, it made her sick to the stomach to think of all of the time, all of the years, which she’d wasted. And this was the root of the problem which she now faced. She wasn’t happy. She supposed she’d always been aware of her unhappiness, but it had taken Rosa’s death to give her that much-needed kick. Over the years, her discomfort had been inching its way to the surface, gradually making its presence known. Perhaps she was just feeling restless because of what had happened to Rosa, paranoid now that she wasn’t making the most of life, in case the same sudden and tragic circumstances were to befall her? Would she be happy with how she’d spent her days? Was this all she had to show for thirty years of life?
She wasn’t sure of how long she’d be able to keep up the impression that she did such a good job of maintaining. Everybody thought she was wonderful, one of the best in the team at Howard & Bowe. Her heart wasn’t in the job, not even slightly, but still, people said she was one of the most passionate in the field. It turned out that she was just a very good liar, nothing more, which was something she wasn’t proud of but something that she supposed she’d been doing for years now. She had a ton of experience in it and was becoming a professional of pretences, but she didn’t want it to be that way. She wanted to be a person who lived and thrived through every single day that she was blessed with. Someone who leapt out of bed in the morning, danced down the street with a spring in their step and a vigour that nothing else matched. All Laurie knew was that she needed something. She just wasn’t sure what that something was. It was the same something that Rosa had always