She paused to peek into the boys’ room and nodded with satisfaction when she saw that both Jake and Josh were still soundly asleep. That little tug thing happened in her heart again, and she sighed. The boys had been a gift to her for such a short time.
‘I’ll get over it.’ But she didn’t feel particularly reconciled. In fact, the more she thought about this whole day, and the previous evening, too, the angrier she became all over again.
‘The man doesn’t want me here,’ she muttered, stalking determinedly away from the bedroom with the two sleeping forms in it. ‘He doesn’t trust me to do a good job, yet he leaves me alone with his sons all day and doesn’t even tell me where he’s going. As if I wouldn’t start to fall for them when he leaves the field clear for me like that.’
It was Max’s fault that she was struggling not to care. All his! Phoebe hurried on towards the kitchen and the promise of a cup of soothing tea before she turned in to bed. Today would doubtless be her last in the role of nanny here. After that, all these inner turmoils would be a moot point, anyway.
A light shone at the end of the kitchen. Max sat at the table, eating the meal she had set aside for him and poring over a batch of documents. He must have got back while she’d been showering.
‘Where’s the new nanny? I thought you’d have brought her with you.’ Phoebe paused in the doorway, her bare feet braced on the vinyl flooring. The room was cool, the large windows over the sink reflecting the inky blackness outside.
Max wasn’t quite as cool. His expression reflected both weariness and heat. The latter set her senses on alert, and she pulled an irritated face at herself. Not now, okay? As if she didn’t have enough on her mind.
She couldn’t help thinking that Max was affected too, though, which only made it tougher for her to distance herself from her reactions to him. It amazed her that Max could want her, even on the most basic of levels. Things had changed. She didn’t quite know why, but something told her there would never be any going back to the way they used to be.
What did that leave, though? She certainly wasn’t interested in becoming one of his many fly-by-night involvements. Fortunately, she could control these random reactions to him. Provided she kept her distance, she was under no threat.
‘Thanks for leaving me a meal.’ Max glanced back down at his plate, then up again. ‘I didn’t expect you to go to any trouble.’
‘Believe it or not, I can be quite organised when I try.’ Phoebe relaxed somewhat, confident in her ability to hold her foolish reactions to him at bay. ‘I didn’t actually find it too dramatic to cook enough food for four dinners instead of three, even with such limited resources to choose from.’
It seemed best to try not to dwell on the fact that her skin was tingling simply because Max was near.
She came further into the room, noticing for the first time the clutter of bulging shopping bags at the far end. Max had apparently, at some point during his day-long absence, found time to stock up on grocery supplies. ‘You haven’t answered my question. Do you have a new nanny organised?’
He pushed his plate and the documents aside and gestured for her to join him.
She did. Reluctantly. Nobody liked to be fired, after all, and that was what Max was bound to do to her any moment now.
Up close, Max looked even more tired, and she acknowledged that her presence here hadn’t helped him, much as she had believed it could. Even though she still believed she could assist him a great deal with his sons, it wasn’t going to happen.
Phoebe decided that she would rather bow out of her own accord than have Max push her. Given their propensity towards wanting to kill each other on sight, she supposed it was no surprise that Max didn’t want her here.
The inexplicable heat they seemed to be generating between them was simply another complication to pile on to the rest. Max didn’t like complications. Phoebe didn’t either, really.
Still, something in the region of her heart ached at the thought of leaving. She told herself to ignore it. Just so long as Max had made acceptable arrangements. The boys had to come first, no matter what.
‘I can be out of here any time you want, Max.’ There. She had made it easy for him, and it barely felt like cutting out a piece of herself at all. Phoebe was used to taking care of herself. This time would be no different. ‘I only came to help you because I thought you wanted me and were in a bad way.’
‘I was in a bad way.’ The admission was gruff.
‘Yes, you were in a mess.’ She smiled to let him know she meant no malice by the comment. ‘For what it’s worth, Jake and Josh have had a reasonable day. I did my best to keep them busy.’
‘And cleaned up most of the house while you were at it.’ He shook his head. ‘You didn’t have to—’
‘I know.’ Even so, it had been kind of fun, playing house for a while in something larger than a shoe box. Dangerous, too, though, because playing house was too close to playing happy families. To falling in love with the boys. To wanting Max, and aching for things she could never have.
Argh! Phoebe suppressed the aggravated screech building up inside her. She must need to get out in the sunshine more or something. Build up the happy vibes inside her head and put a stop to these underrated, overdramatised, ridiculous yearnings.
‘Sometimes it’s better for little children to get the feeling that you’re simply going about your business,’ she said, pulling herself back to the conversation with some difficulty, ‘with them tagging along. It takes the pressure off them a bit. Anyway, it was just for the day.’
Now that the time had come to bow out she found it difficult to come up with the right words, but she promised herself she would get there somehow. No way would she allow Max to even suspect that she didn’t want to move on. ‘So, when does the new nanny arrive? Tonight? Is she from Sydney? Travelling out by car? I can be out of your hair in no time.’ Once I check her over and decide she’s okay. ‘You’ll barely notice I’ve been here.’
This seemed to amuse Max, for he glanced at her in a rather comprehensive way and shook his head. ‘You’re a lot of things, Phoebe, but unnoticeable isn’t one of them. Everything about you draws attention, whether you intend it to or not.’
‘I don’t see how that can be true.’ Or at least not in a positive way. Basically, she considered herself to be a mere blob on the greater canvas of life. If she were to be abducted by aliens tomorrow, who would even care? Katherine, she supposed, but that was about it. Max would probably send the aliens a sympathy card.
Max’s rich laugh rang out. ‘Don’t you? What about the way you dress, for starters?’
‘Dress?’ Oh, that. She chose her clothing from second-hand shops mostly, or bought cheap from warehouses when she got the chance. ‘I admit I don’t dress like a business executive, but then—’ she shrugged ‘—I’m not one.’
‘The guitar and the emblem? Those are not attention-getters?’
For a moment she didn’t understand what he was talking about. She certainly wasn’t any kind of musician. Then she glanced down at her T-shirt. Although faded now, it sported a screen print of an electric guitar, with the words Bite Me emblazoned across the front.
‘This thing?’ She shrugged. ‘It was, um, a gift from a band member I knew once. I could hardly refuse to wear it.’
With Max examining the article so thoroughly, she felt very aware of her bareness underneath.
To distract herself, she peered across the kitchen at the groceries and noticed a bag overflowing with bananas. ‘Are you sure you haven’t overdone it on the fruit? I hope half of that doesn’t go to waste.’
Max followed the direction of her gaze. ‘I bought them for the banana-smoothie freak.’