His words were spoken in a jesting tone, but they touched an alarm in Rebecca. She knew his cynical joke came from a deep, frightening place, and she knew with almost utter certainty that Grant Berringer had considered ending his life, perhaps in that very manner. Still, she managed to answer him in a joking tone.
“I’ve rarely been known to push a patient off a balcony. On purpose, I mean,” she said casually. “And I certainly wouldn’t choose such a low one,” she added, peering over the edge to the beach below. “I’d definitely take you up to the second or third floor for something like that.”
“Thanks, I feel much better now,” he said. Rebecca restrained herself from laughing. “That still doesn’t answer my question, though. Why are we out here, Ms. Calloway?”
“For the view, of course,” she replied, as if he should have guessed. “It’s breathtaking, isn’t it?”
Rebecca stood straight and took a deep breath. The ocean air was wonderful. And the view of the water and the blue sky above… Well, they reminded her of how great it was just to be alive. Couldn’t he feel that, too?
“Oh, that.” He dismissed her enthusiasm with a sarcastic laugh. “You get used to it. Believe me.”
“I never would,” she countered. She moved around his chair and stood beside him.
He glanced at her, then at the horizon. “Yes, you’re the type who probably wouldn’t,” he said quietly. “But most people do. Besides, you still haven’t given me a reason to give you the job.”
Rebecca felt suddenly nervous, anxious. This wasn’t working out as she had expected. He was tough. Maybe too tough for her?
She stood behind him again, and on impulse covered his eyes with her hands. His skin felt warm to her touch, and she could feel his entire body grow tense and alert. Yet he didn’t roar a protest, as she expected. Or try to pull away. She felt his brow furrow in a puzzled frown. Then his large hands came up to cover hers.
“What are you doing now, playing peekaboo? The woman is mad, definitely,” he murmured to himself.
Rebecca ignored his complaint. “I know you’re used to the view, take it for granted, in fact. But what if you couldn’t see the ocean ever again. How would you feel about that?”
“It wouldn’t matter to me one bit. I don’t really see it now,” he confessed in a flat voice. “I don’t deserve to see it at any rate.”
Her heart clenched at his words. Yes, it all came down to his guilt. He wouldn’t allow himself to reach out for life again. He believed he didn’t deserve it. He was trying to punish himself—and scare off anyone who tried to stop him from punishing himself.
She took her hands off his eyes, yet for some inexplicable reason, her hands floated down to trace the line of his lightly bearded cheeks. With the fingertips of her right hand, she felt the thin ridge of his scar, and a wave of emotion for him washed through her as she lifted her hands.
His hands did not prevent her from moving, but they held her, transmitting a sense that he was reluctant to feel her break contact.
But she did break contact and stood behind his chair with her arms dangling at her sides, her body feeling subtly charged from the brief touch.
“I’d like to say I understand,” she said quietly. “But I’m sure you believe that nobody really can.”
“Very wise. I don’t see how anyone could.”
Standing behind Grant Berringer, she couldn’t see his face. But his voice was filled with emotion, the most she’d heard from him so far.
She paused and took a deep breath. She was losing him. Not just losing her chance at getting the job. But losing her chance to help this man who had mysteriously touched something within her. She suddenly wanted to be the one to help him. She suddenly believed she could succeed where all the others had failed.
She moved to face him. “I took you out here because I thought that the sight of this beautiful day would remind you it’s simply great to be alive. And that’s the best reason to want to recover.”
“Spare me, Ms. Calloway. I’ve heard all these little sermons before.”
“Yes, I’m sure you have. But maybe we’re both right. It doesn’t have to be one way or the other, you know.”
“I don’t quite get your meaning.”
“Well, if what I’m saying is true, maybe you think that means your loss is without value. That what you’ve been through isn’t truly important. But that’s not what I mean at all,” she assured him. “If you allow yourself to look at the ocean, Mr. Berringer, and truly see it again and wonder at the sheer power and beauty of it…well, that’s okay,” she said quietly. “It doesn’t diminish your loss or make your pain meaningless. If you choose to go on with your life and build yourself up again, physically and emotionally, it doesn’t erase the past or make you disloyal to the memory of your fiancée.”
He held her gaze for a moment, then looked away, smoothing his hair with his hand. He seemed disturbed by her speech, and Rebecca braced herself for a tirade. Then he appeared to settle into his own thoughts as he stared at the sea. She wondered what those thoughts were. She couldn’t begin to guess.
He had a strong profile, she noticed, one that spoke of determination, even a stubborn streak. If looks were any indication, maybe he’d make it, after all.
“I’ll take you back in now,” she offered after a few moments. “Unless of course you’d like to stay out here alone for a while?”
“I can get myself back in, when I’m damned good and ready,” he replied curtly. “But is the interview over, Ms. Calloway?” he asked, his tone mockingly polite. “I thought that small formality was the employer’s prerogative.”
Rebecca suppressed a laugh. “My mistake…once again.”
“Yes, that’s two. But who’s counting? Frankly, I’m amazed that I’m still interested in hiring you at all.”
“Yes, so am I,” she replied honestly, feeling her heartbeat quicken at his words.
“So…do you want the job or not?” he asked impatiently.
Her immediate impulse was to answer “Yes.” But she restrained herself.
“I’m glad you want to hire me, Mr. Berringer. But I do need to think it over for a day or so. I hope that’s acceptable to you.”
“As you wish. You can call Matthew with your decision,” he instructed.
“All right, I’ll do that,” she replied. Had she hurt his feelings when she didn’t accept right away? He was pouting like a small boy. Well, she couldn’t help that.
“Did I scare you?” he asked suddenly. His black eyes were narrowed in a brooding look that had already become familiar to her. “You hardly seem the timid type.”
“No, not at all,” she called over her shoulder. “You’ll have to try much harder if I come back.”
“Yes, I will try harder. I’ll be absolutely impossible,” he promised. “See, you’ve motivated me already.”
Rebecca met his glance quickly then continued on her way. His brief smile was heart-stopping. Both a good sign…and bad, she thought with dismay. She kept going, through the glass door, through Grant’s messy bedroom to the outer room, where she found Matthew waiting for her.
“How did it go?” Matthew asked eagerly, rising from his chair.
“All right, I suppose. He offered me the job.”
“That’s great!” Matthew smiled, and his blue eyes lit with pleasure. “When can you start?” he asked eagerly.
“Well,