The day before, with so many people there, I had done my best not to look at him. Or not to be seen looking at him. Now I did, and was astonished to see the shadows of deep sadness around his eyes, the unease of his mouth and the sagging tiredness of his shoulders that leaned against the doorframe into the study. Like me, he had kept his coat on, a long buff-coloured caped affair that barely cleared the floor, hanging loose over charcoal-grey riding coat and breeches, black waistcoat with a row of gold-figured buttons and watch-chain. His neckcloth, as always, was immaculate. His hair, as always, needed cutting.
I am ashamed to say that, in my own grief at the loss of my lover, I had spared too little thought for how he must be feeling at the loss of his twin, having to watch him fade away like a candle flame, burn low and finally extinguish. I had no cause to grumble that I was excluded, for Winterson sent a carriage for me at the end so that I too could be there for Linas’s last moments when it seemed, perhaps for the first and last time, that the three of us had shared a special tenderness and compassion, putting aside the complexities of our relationship. He had even allowed me some time alone with Linas at the end, which was remarkable when his parents were waiting to do the same. I was grateful to him for that. Returning home afterwards, my life seemed to be suspended and without cause, except for little Jamie. The funeral had upset me and I had slept badly, and I suppose it must have showed in my manner.
‘Miss Follet?’ he said. ‘Could you spare me a moment of your time?’
‘I told Jamie I would not be long.’
‘Please? Just a moment?’ He moved to one side, holding his hand out as if he was sure I would comply.
I left my hood up. And I left Mr Brierley in no doubt about my reticence as I swept past them both into the green book-lined study that had been Linas’s retreat during his last, most painful year. The once cosy room, always littered with books and papers, was now unnaturally tidy and distressingly naked. Incomplete. I turned the wick up in the oil lamp on his desk before going to stand by the white marble fireplace, putting some distance between us, hitching up my woolly scarf against a sudden chill. ‘My lord?’ I said, to convince him of my impatience.
‘Miss Follet…Helene…’ he said, wearily. ‘Brierley and I had…’ he sighed and looked away as if the room was affecting him too ‘…had hoped to have the will read here at Stonegate tomorrow. But, as you see, that may be prevented by the weather. If it carries on like this, those who ought to be here will be unable to manage it, or even get home again. I think we shall have to postpone it till it clears. I don’t know how you’re fixed for funds, to put it bluntly, but since Linas’s accounts are frozen for the time being, I wondered if you might need some help until we discover what arrangements have been made for you.’
‘How kind,’ I said. ‘If I had not chanced to see you here today, you might still be wondering.’
‘It was not chance. I know you still visit daily. Such habits are hard to break. I called at your home, but you were not there, so I came here to meet Brierley and to wait for you.’
‘You called…home? You saw Jamie?’
‘Yes,’ he said, raising an eyebrow at my tone. ‘Is there some reason why I should not? He’s grown in the last few weeks.’
‘I should have been there. He’s already missing his father.’
Unthinking, I stepped straight into the bag of worms. There was a crackling silence broken by the loud ticking of the bracket clock.
‘Then this may be the best time to remind you, Miss Follet, that his father has just made contact with him, which you have so far been at pains to prevent by every means known to you. I could hardly have said so while Linas was with us, but now we must both try to accept the truth of the matter and do whatever is best for the child. You surely cannot be too surprised that Linas wished me to be Jamie’s legal guardian?’
‘That is probably the one thing that will not surprise me, my lord. It’s well known that a child’s guardian must always be male, you being the obvious choice, but that does not alter the fact that I am Jamie’s mother and, as such, it is I who will decide where he will go and what he will do. And who he’ll do it with.’
‘Which is why I want you to hear Linas’s will at first hand.’
‘So you know the details of it, do you?’
‘Yes, I know more details than you. That’s only natural. We discussed it as brothers do.’
All too eager to display my wounds while I had the chance, I could not resist putting another slant on it. ‘Oh you did, didn’t you? Four years ago you discussed it. In some detail. Linas wanted an heir. You obliged. And I fell for it like an idiot. Like a resentful birthday-gift-starved fool. I paid for it, too.’
‘You got Jamie. He was what you wanted. Don’t deny it.’
‘But one does like to have a say, nowadays, in who the father is to be. Even mistresses appreciate some warning of that event.’
‘Think about it,’ he snapped. ‘Had you been warned, as you put it, there’d have been no Jamie, would there?’
‘No, my lord. There most certainly would not.’ I had to admit defeat on that brief skirmish, and I had no stomach for a prolonged argument on the topic. I closed my eyes with a sigh, holding a gloved hand to my forehead. ‘This will not do,’ I whispered. ‘It’s too soon for recriminations. Or too late. I’m tired. It’s time I went home.’
He watched me, saying nothing as I recovered.
‘I know there will be changes,’ I said. ‘I’ve had time to prepare for them, whatever they are. And thank you for your offer of a loan, but I think we shall manage for the time being. I also owe you thanks for allowing me access to Linas at the end. That was generous too, and…and appreciated…’ My voice wavered and caught at the back of my throat, dissolving the last word. I took some deep breaths to steady it.
‘It was no more than you deserve. It was your careful nursing that kept him alive longer than his doctors had predicted.’
‘I think it’s more likely to be Jamie who did that.’
‘Yes, that too. Jamie was your other gift to him. Linas was a very fortunate man. He told me so more than once.’
‘Did he?’ I remarked, tonelessly, wistfully.
‘Did he never tell you so?’
‘No. Not even at the end. I think the pain made him forgetful. Or perhaps he thought I was the fortunate one. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter now, does it? But I mean what I say about not hearing the will read, my lord. I would be out of place. I am not family and I have few expectations, except for Jamie, having fulfilled the role I was employed to do, to everyone’s satisfaction.’
‘You were not employed in any capacity, Miss Follet. You were my brother’s partner. It was his decision not to marry when he discovered he had so few years to live, and our family agreed that for him to do so would serve no useful purpose.’
‘Rather like good farm management, I suppose. You see, I am well able to think it out for myself, Lord Winterson. Having a mistress to support for just a few years was safer than taking on a wife. Linas preferred an illegitimate heir able to legally inherit and keep his estate intact, to a widow who would remarry and siphon it off into another man’s pockets. But don’t tell me that I was not employed, for that is certainly what I was, and I shall not sit with you round a table to be told that my golden goose has gone