He frowns. ‘She’s got a diary? When did you find it?’
‘This morning,’ I lie.
Brian sits up straighter in his chair. If he is somehow responsible for Charlotte’s accident he doesn’t look worried by the fact I may have had an insight in our daughter’s most private thoughts.
‘Does it …’ He leans forward, ‘Does it reveal why she might have wanted to …’
He can’t bring himself to say the words ‘tried to kill herself’. He refuses to entertain the thought that our daughter may have been so unhappy she chose to end her life rather than share her unhappiness with us. I can understand why he’d feel that way, completely understand.
‘No,’ I say and he visibly deflates with relief.
It’s another lie of course but I can’t share the truth about the diary until I know for sure if he played any part in ‘the secret’ that weighed so heavily on her. Right now I don’t know what – or who – to believe.
‘Can I see it?’ he asks.
When I raise my eyebrows, he shakes his head.
‘No, you’re right, of course you are. She still deserves her privacy. But …’ his eyes flick back to Oliver who’s observing the two of us with a curious expression on his face. This is the first time we’ve been open about Charlotte’s accident in front of him. The ‘everything is fine’ façade has finally dropped.
Brian shakes his head and slumps back in his seat. We lapse into silence and I find myself staring at the pile of crumbs in front of Oli. I wasn’t surprised to read the entry in Charlotte’s diary about how much she wanted to lose her virginity to Liam and how excited and scared she was. I didn’t think much to it. I certainly didn’t wonder whether it might be connected to ‘the secret’ Charlotte mentions on her final entry – I assumed that was to do with Brian – but now that Oliver has brought up this hotel business …
I tear my eyes away from the biscuit crumbs and glance at Milly who’s half asleep at my feet. We need to take a walk – to Liam’s house.
James told me he loved me last night – four weeks to the day after our first date.
He took me to a fabulous Mexican restaurant in Camden – all low lighting, intimate tables, flickering candles and not a cactus in sight. I was trying to eat my fajita without it flopping all over the place but the harder I tried to angle it into my mouth the more food fell out the end and the more I laughed. When I looked across the table at James he had a terribly serious look on his face. I glanced behind me to see if he was reacting to some terrible accident out in the street but cars and people were streaming past as normal.
I put down my fajita. I suddenly didn’t feel very hungry any more. ‘What is it, James?’
He shifted in his chair. ‘You.’
‘What about me?’
‘You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met in my life.’
His eyes were fixed and unblinking, his mouth set in a straight line, his hands folded neatly in his lap. It was like he was looking beyond my flowery red dress, black beads and curled hair and peering straight into my head.
‘I love you, Suzy,’ he said. ‘I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you and it terrifies me, loving someone this much. I can’t sleep, eat or think because of you. I can barely act. I’ve lost control of who I am and that scares the shit out of me but I can’t run away because I love you so much. I can’t ever be without you.’
He searched my eyes, looking for a reaction. I’d never seen him look so worried. I smiled, desperate to relieve his discomfort, and reached across the table for his hands. He unfolded them from his lap and held my fingers.
‘I love you too, James but I’ve never felt more scared or vulnerable in my life. I’ve got no defences left, nothing to stop you from hurting me if you wanted to.’
‘I’d never hurt you Suzy-Sue.’ He let go of one of my hands and reached across the table so he could cup the side of my face. ‘Never. I’d rather hurt myself than see you in pain.’
There were tears in his tears but he brushed them away brusquely.
‘Let’s just go.’ He took a handful of notes out of his wallet and threw them down on the table. ‘Let’s go back to yours, put on a record, crawl into bed and block out the world.’
I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do.
I didn’t go to Liam’s house last night. Just as I was about to announce my intention to take the dog for a walk Brian shot out of his seat and disappeared into the hallway. When he returned a couple of minutes later he was wearing his jacket with Milly’s lead dangling from his hand. He said the briefest of goodbyes to Oliver and then he was gone, out of the porch door like a shot.
Oli raised an eyebrow. ‘Not like Dad to take Milly for a walk.’
I said nothing. Instead I offered him another cup of tea and more biscuits but Oli shook his head, said it was getting late and he needed to get back to Leicester.
I glance at the kitchen clock. Brian left for work ages ago and it’s still only 8.50 a.m. If Liam is anything like Oliver was as a teenager there’s no way he’ll be awake at this time during half term. I should visit Charlotte first and then go and see him. I put down my cup of coffee and stand up. But what if he goes out for some reason and I miss him? Better to try and get hold of him first and then go and see Charlotte. Maybe if I take the long route to his house he’ll be awake by the time I get there. It’ll be at least 9.30 a.m. if I go through the park.
No, I change my mind again as I step into the cloakroom and reach for my coat. I should ring first. Or maybe I should text. That way I won’t disturb his family. But I don’t have a mobile number for him, just a landline.
Charlotte would though.
I fly up the stairs and head for her room, then pause in the doorway. Where’s her mobile? I haven’t seen it since before her accident.
I didn’t touch Charlotte’s room for two weeks after she was hospitalised, not one thing – not the mascara-stained makeup removal pads strewn across the dressing table, the dirty bras and knickers kicked under the bed or the magazines scattered across the floor – nothing. I thought that if I tidied up I’d regret wiping all traces of her personality from her room if she never woke up. It sounds ridiculous but I was in shock. How else could I have failed to notice that her phone wasn’t in the clear plastic bag of her things that the nurse handed me? It contained all the normal things she’d take out with her – purse, keys, makeup and hairbrush – but no phone. Why? Like most teenagers she was umbilically attached to her mobile.
Three weeks after her accident, my shock finally dissipated and with it my insistence that Charlotte’s room remain untouched. Instead of seeing the mess as a sign of normality it became a morbid shrine. My daughter wasn’t dead – she was just ill – so I tidied up, ready for her return. And that’s when I found the diary.
I throw open the wardrobe doors and root around in the pockets of some of her clothes. There are several items I’ve never seen before – a jacket that