“You agreed that adoption seemed like the best solution.”
“I was seventeen, pregnant and dead broke. I wasn’t in a great position to argue.”
Nate’s brows swooped low. A muscle tensed in his jaw. “Are you saying you didn’t want to put the baby up for adoption?”
Her mind began to race like a machine that was out of control—couldn’t slow down, couldn’t stop.
“You agreed we were both too young to be good parents,” he said, glancing at a car that whizzed by. “I don’t want to discuss this on the street. Why don’t you come up—”
“I don’t want to discuss this at all.” She made a show of looking at her watch. “I have to go.” When she tried to push the bike forward, however, Nate held on.
A sharp burning sensation rose behind Izzy’s eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry, not after all this time. But she remembered one occasion—just the one—when Nate had stopped being logical and reasonable about how they were too young and too uneducated and not financially able to raise a baby properly. On that single occasion, before he’d left for college, his brow had hitched in the middle like it was right now, worry muddying the usually clear and confident expression in his eyes, and he’d said, “Do you think it’ll be a boy or a girl?”
In that one moment, they had felt like parents, not two kids who had made a colossal mistake.
She swallowed hard.
“You know what I remember, Nate? I remember what your mother and father said—that our relationship was ‘a lapse in good judgment.’ And that we’d be crazy to throw our futures away.” They had meant their son’s future, of course. There hadn’t been many people around at that time who’d held out much hope for her future. “We shouldn’t blame each other for anything. It might have been different if we’d loved each other, right? But we were just kids.” Her sad smile was the genuine article. “You’re lucky you had parents who were looking out for you.”
“Izzy—”
“I really do have to go now.”
Using the heel of her running shoe to flip the kickstand, Izzy climbed aboard her bike and pushed forward toward Latke, urging her to fall into step. Nate watched her every move but didn’t try to stop her this time as she checked for traffic and made a U-turn on Vista Road.
Traveling downhill, Izzy went as fast as she dared push her trotting dog, desperate to outrun worry and the tears that, finally, would not be denied. She swiped the back of her hand across her nose and used her palm to wipe her eyes. Determined to keep the details of her home life private when she was younger, she’d kept to herself in middle and high school, flying as far under the radar as possible and even earning the nickname “Loner Chick.” After a while, she’d been largely ignored, which had been fine by her. She’d never traded one word with Nate Thayer until the summer after he’d graduated.
What a tangled web she had woven when she, a girl from as far over the wrong side of the tracks as you could get, fell in love with the golden boy of Thunder Ridge. And got pregnant.
That hadn’t been her biggest sin, though. No, not by a long shot. Her biggest sin had been believing Nate loved her back, that he would change his mind about the baby and that they would live happily ever after. Her biggest sin had been telling herself the lie that when you loved hard enough, all your dreams would come true.
For Izzy, “home” was the one-word description of the blood, sweat and tears she had put into constructing not just a building but a family. The deli had been her first real home, and she had happily painted its aged walls, twisted new washers onto leaking faucets and waxed its linoleum tiles until the memory of their former luster glinted through the wear and tear.
It was the same with the cottage in which she and Eli made their home. When she’d first laid eyes on the 860-square-foot space, her heart had sunk. The tiny house was all she’d been able to afford and even then she’d had to borrow the down payment (paid back in full) from her boss Henry, who by that time had become more of a surrogate father to her.
The prospect of owning her own home, a place she and her son could call theirs forever, had pushed her to overlook the dark wood walls, the ugly threadbare carpets and the cracked enamel in the ancient claw-foot tub, not to mention the spaces in the roof shingles through which she could actually see the sky. Izzy and Eli, who by then had turned seven, dubbed the little house Lambert Cottage, and she’d learned all she could about repairs and improvements.
Today their home was a sunny, whitewashed space with a scrubbed pine floor she’d discovered beneath the carpets, and pale pear-green furniture she’d reupholstered on her own. She made Thanksgiving dinners in her tiny kitchen and hosted birthday parties in a garden filled with azalea, honeysuckle and lydia broom. It was no longer possible to see sky through the roof, but there were times late at night as Izzy lay in bed saying her prayers that she gazed into the darkness above her head and was sure she could see heaven. Coming home never, ever failed to soothe and reassure her.
Except this afternoon.
Unleashing Latke, she set out a bowl of fresh water, chugged a tumbler of iced tea, rinsed her glass and set it upside down on the wooden drain rack, just as she would have done on any normal day. The difference was that today her hands shook the entire time, and she thought she might throw up.
Since she’d pedaled away from Nate, memories had been buffeting her so hard she felt like a tiny dinghy on a storm-ridden sea. Some of the memories were good. So good that yearning squeezed her heart like a sponge. Others were more bittersweet. But there was one memory that rose above the others, whipping up a giant wall of emotion that threatened to capsize her: the recollection of the day she’d accepted that the boy she loved was never going to love her back, not the same way, and that she’d rather be alone the rest of her life than beg for a love that wasn’t going to come...
Fifteen years earlier...
Nate ran his fingers through his hair—that famously thick black hair—then remained head down, elbows on knees, hands cradling his forehead. “Damn it.”
Izzy winced at the frustration in his tone, wondering if he was directing it at her, at the news she’d just given him or at both. Probably both. What hurt the most, she thought, was that the best summer of her life was now quite clearly the worst of his. “I’m sorry.”
What a stupid thing to say! Plus, she’d whispered the words, which made the fact that she’d apologized even worse.
She was no wimp. But sitting next to Nate on a bench in Portland’s Washington Park, exhausted and freaking terrified, she figured that if I’m sorry was the best she could do, then so be it. Seventeen had felt so much older and more mature just a week ago. Tonight she felt like a little girl afraid of the dark and of the unknown.
“You’re positive?” Nate demanded. His voice, which had always made her think of soft, dark velvet, tonight sounded more like a rusty rake scraping cement.
Izzy nodded. She was “positive,” all right. She’d bought four early-pregnancy tests, which had sucked up three hours’ worth of income from her job waiting tables at The Pickle Jar deli. Every single test had turned up a thin pink line. She’d never liked pink.
“I’m pregnant,” she confirmed. May as well get used to saying it out loud.
“How?” Raising his head, Nate looked at the evening skyline beyond the Rose Test Garden, where they sat, rather than at her.
How? How was obvious, right? They’d been having sex since May. Nearly four full months of his waiting for her when she got