Love Islands: Summer Kisses. Joanna Neil

legs wobbled underneath her and she collapsed back down onto the blanket, putting her head in her hands. Everything was going so wrong.

      Minutes ago she’d been in Nathan’s arms—the place she truly wanted to be. Minutes ago he’d been kissing her and now, with one sweep of his fingertips and the touch of a scar, there was just a world of recriminations. Exactly what she’d dreaded.

      She’d expected Nathan to storm off and not talk to her any more. But he hadn’t.

      He stepped forward and took her hands in his. Pain was etched on his face. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had renal cancer. I’m sorry you thought you had to go to the other side of the world alone to be treated. But you should have never done that, Rachel. You should have never walked away—no matter how well-intentioned you thought it was. This was about trust. This was about you and me. You didn’t trust me enough to stay.’ He dropped her hands. ‘I just don’t think I can get past this.’

      He stepped back and she felt a wave of panic come over her. ‘I did love you, Nathan. Really, I did.’ Her voice dropped as she realised how painful it must be to hear those words.

      He spun back around and glared at her. ‘Really? Well, you replaced me as soon as you got to Australia. With Darius.’ He almost spat the words at her.

      It was pure frustration and she knew it. ‘You decided you trusted him enough to help you through your surgery and treatment. Someone you barely even knew. So don’t give me that, Rachel. Don’t lie to me. I’ve had just about as much as I can take.’

      He turned on his heel and strode across the beach, never once looking back.

      She crumpled to the ground and started to sob. The night was ruined. Everything about this was wrong. She’d always been sure about her decision—so sure that she’d done the right thing. Now, her brain was spinning. Her thoughts were jumbled. For the first time in her life she wondered if she might have been wrong.

      It was pathetic. She was pathetic. But all she’d wanted to do was kiss him. So she had. No rational thought behind it. She’d acted purely on selfish instinct.

      It was just too hard. It was too hard to be this close to him again and not touch him. In the past when she’d been with Nathan she’d spent most of her time in his arms. He’d completed her. He’d given her confidence when she’d doubted her abilities and strength when she’d struggled with the long hours of being a junior doctor.

      She’d loved being with him. She’d loved being part of his family. Her own mother and father had split years before, her father staying in England and her mother settling in Australia. And although they loved her and she loved them, it had been a disjointed kind of upbringing.

      When Nathan and Charlie’s parents had died it had broken her. She’d wanted to be strong for them both. And she’d managed it right up until she’d found out about her diagnosis.

      It had been the final straw.

      And all of this was flooding back. For too long she’d kept it in a box—far out of reach, somewhere it couldn’t affect her emotions. She couldn’t concentrate on what her leaving had done to Nathan and Charlie. She’d been so focused on getting well and getting through her treatment that she hadn’t allowed herself space to think about any of this. When her treatment was over, she’d focused on her career, trying to get things back on track after taking a year out.

      But she’d never got over the guilt attached to leaving Nathan. She’d never got over the fact she didn’t have the guts to say goodbye to Charlie; one tear from him would have been the end of her and she would never have made it onto that plane.

      She was lucky. She’d had a good outcome and for that she was so grateful. But it hadn’t been guaranteed. The prospect of deteriorating and forcing Nathan and Charlie to be by her side had been unthinkable.

      And, even though she had a barrel-load of regrets, if she had her time over she would still get on that plane. She would still walk away to face the cancer on her own.

      Except she hadn’t really been on her own. She’d had her mum in Australia and then, even though it wasn’t what people thought, she’d had Darius too.

      It could barely be called a romance. There might have been a few kisses exchanged but it had been entirely different from the relationship she’d had with Nathan. There had never been the passion, the deep underlying attraction. It had almost been like a mutual support society. At times he had been a shoulder to cry on. And during her surgery and renal cancer treatment that was exactly what she’d needed.

      Nathan hated her. It didn’t matter that he’d kissed her back. Every time he looked at her she could see it in his eyes. If only she could have just five minutes when he looked at her like he’d used to. Just five minutes.

      But the world was full of people with ‘if only’s. It was too late to be one of those. She wasn’t here to re-examine her faulty love life. She’d never managed to sustain a decent relationship since the break-up with Nathan. At first she’d had no time or energy for it. No one quite seemed to live up to the man she’d left behind.

      But this Nathan was different. He wasn’t the same person she’d loved. She could see the changes behind his eyes. In the weathered lines on his face—textured in the eight years she hadn’t known him. Who had he loved in that time?

      What had she just done? If she’d thought this island was claustrophobic before, she’d just made the situation ten times worse.

      She’d been so careful. After her initial exchange of words with Nathan she’d tried to be so cool about things. She understood his resentment. Nathan must hate her.

      But it couldn’t stop all the feelings he was reviving in her—all the memories. She’d dealt with her renal cancer the best way she felt she could. But it didn’t stop her regretting her actions every time she looked at him.

      Part of her was resentful too. How would life have turned out if the renal cancer hadn’t happened? Would they have come to Australia together and settled here? Would they both have stuck at their chosen specialities? She already knew that Nathan had changed his plans—would that have happened if they’d still been together?

      Something coiled inside her. Her life could have been so different.

      His life could have been so different.

      Their lives could have been so different.